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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The perfect infertility song

Alright! There should be absolutely in no way be a "perfect" infertility song, but this song explains exactly how I feel about this disease that plagues my life.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My answer to question #6

Thank you to everyone who has asked me a question.

Jamie from Week by Week asked me:
“Alright Lisa I have a 3-parter for you.

1) In what way do you feel you changed the most since Jasper? How do you compare to the pre-Jasper's-pregnancy Lisa?

2) If you could be any animal what would it be and why

3) finally, do you dig purses or shoes more... or :gasp: both!”
1) The way I changed to most since Jasper is that I’m more open with my grief. I concealed the grief I felt when I had the three miscarriages. I didn’t tell anybody that I even had the last two I just kept it to myself. I realize now how unbelievably unhealthy that was.
Pre-Jasper’s-pregnancy Lisa was very willing to go through anything in order to get pregnant. I did countless tests (HSG, Uterine Biopsy, blood work, HSC, ultrasounds) the list continues.
Now, I’m so afraid at the thought of losing another baby that I figure if I get pregnant then so be it. I’m still trying, but the thought of going through all those tests again just saddens me.

2) I would be an Orca. I love them. I would love to be free to swim through the oceans without a care in the world.

3) I would always pick bags over shoes in a micro-second.

My answer to question #5

Lisette from Learning To Breathe Again Asked:

“Being a loss parent is not easy, how have you and Jonathan grown from this experience?”
This is by far the hardest question I have to answer. I honestly never gave it much thought before. We have grown in many different ways. One of the biggest ways we have grown is that we are closer then we ever where before. We have learned to deal with our grief separate as well as together. I’m sure the more I think about this question the more I will be able to come up with.

My answer to question #4

Erin from FF asked me:
“Hi Lisa, I was wondering how you are doing? I lost my subscription to FF and wanted to say hello to you. Erin (otee)”
Erin I’m go glad you are stopping by my blog. I have since answered your question on FF since you reenacted your subscription to FF. I have since put my subscription on hold because it is all just becoming too much for me at this time. It just seems like every time I turn around more and more people on there are getting their BFP’s and I keep getting BFN’s. I know! It is silly or just plain stupid of me to even think something like that because it is in fact a fertility sight. It just gets even harder when I see someone that was in my June 2009 DD group already on their 2nd. Other then that I’m doing fine I’m finally down to my pregnancy weight. It only took 19 months. We are still trying for baby number 2, but I’m definitely not all gung-ho like I was before Jasper. I hope to soon get over myself and take my account off hold because even after just two days I feel like I’m missing so much.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My answer to question #3

First, I would like to say Thank you to Sarita for asking me a question. I’m sorry I forgot to thank you in the post that I answered your question in.

Holly from Caring for Carleigh asked me:
“Do you and your hubby have any big plans for this next year?”
The only big plans that I have absolutely made so far is to take a road trip up to Chicago to see my family. The only other plans that I do have is to hopefully get pregnant and bring home a live and healthy baby, but I guess that is more of a goal. I almost forgot I do have another plan and that is to start cosmetology school. I did plan on starting this year, but I was too late for the class and it was already full.

Thank you, Holly for asking me a question.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My answer to question #2

I didn’t forget to answer the rest of the questions. I guess I’m just hoping that the longer I stall then maybe I will get more questions to answer. If you would still like to ask me a question you still can. You can put you question in the comment section below.

Sarita from One Perfect Rose asked me:

“Has Jasper sent you any signs? I know some people see butterflies, ladybugs, etc, that remind them of their babies. Some people find pennies that they believe are sent by their loved ones.”
Yes, I did get what I believe on some kind of level to be a sign from Jasper. I’m sure everyone or most of you know that I am an Atheist and don’t believe in spirits or an afterlife, but I did have a very interesting experience with a cardinal that makes me want to believe it was Jasper stopping by to say hello to his mommy.
It was not too soon after I started going back to work after my 6 weeks of leave to recover from my C-section. On this day I got to work early so I decided to sit in my car and read until it was time to go in. As I was reading I noticed some movement right in front of me and looked up to see a female Cardinal standing on my windshield wiper and just looking at me. I kept watching her and all of a sudden she was pecking at my window and I just let her do it. I didn’t have the heart to make her go away and it wasn’t like she was hurting the window or in danger of breaking it. This continued for a couple of minutes and then she just flew off. I was just so happy for the rest of that day. You can read the original post I made about it here.
I know there are probably a dozen logical explanations as to why she was pecking at my windshield. A heart believes what it wants to believe and I want to believe that it was my Jasper coming to say “Hi, Mommy.”

Sunday, October 10, 2010

My answer to question #1

I will be answering each question one by one in separate posts. If you still want to ask me a question please feel free to ask away. You can post your question in the comment section of this post or on the original post here.

Sarah from My thoughts, my world asked me:

“Hey Sweetie I hope this question doesn’t make you upset or anything, though its one that I seem to ask a lot of baby lost mum's

If you could say one thing to another angel mum to help ease their pain what would if be and why?”

Sarah, I first wanted to say that this question did not upset me at all. This is a really good question and has left me thinking for days.

After days of thinking about this and thinking about what I would want said to me. I don’t think there is any one thing you can say to a baby lost mom to help ease their pain. The only thing that makes sense and that comes to mind is “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You are not alone.”

After losing Jasper I have known two people that I worked with that have lost a baby later in pregnancy and both of them where very different then most of the other baby lost mothers I have ever met. These women were very personal in their tragedy and didn’t want to talk about their babies or the grief they felt so I respected that. I just let them know if they ever needed to talk I was there to listen whenever they needed.

Thank you Sarah for asking me a question.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Questions and Answers

It has been a while since I have done a questions and answers post so here it goes. You can ask me any type of question that you want. It can be personal, about Jasper or baby loss, or Infertility and I will answer them. Just type your question or questions in the comment section below.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Everything happens for a reason...

I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.

Monday, September 6, 2010

18 months...

First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.

I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born.

I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.

A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.

Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Broken Record

I know I haven't been blogging that much, but I just hate sounding like a broken record all the time. It seems like every time I blog it is always the same stuff. Once I would just like to come here and blog about some good news. I wish that time is now, but unfortunately it's not.

I thought for sure last cycle was it. I was so sure that I was going to get a BFP that when I tested and got a BFN I was in shock. I really thought it was a bunk test so I retested two days later and it was a BFN. I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen soon that it will be next cycle, but how many cycles do I have to go through already. I'm not a patient person never have never will be.

It has been almost 18 months since this nightmare started and I still wonder if I had refused to let them take Jasper when they did. What would have happened? They claim I would have died if they didn't get him out when they did, but I will never know if that is true or not. I'm still very skeptical about it and I guess I always will be. I wonder if the doctors where just trying to avoid a law suit or where they really acting in my best interest.

I hope to one day post something positive.

Friday, July 23, 2010


The guilt that I have from losing Jasper never really goes away, but sometimes it gets to the point where it takes over my life and it is all I can think about. It is one of those times and this time seems to be worse then the others. It has been almost 17 months since this nightmare began. So this feeling of guilt should be getting better not worse. I keep replaying every aspect of my pregnancy wondering and looking to see if there was something I did wrong; something I did to cause what happened. I don't know how many doctors have told me that I did not cause the blood clot that formed in Jasper's placenta, but I just can't stop wondering if I did do something to cause it. Why did I get Pre-eclampsia and HELLP? Would I have gotten it if that blood clot wasn't in Jasper's placenta? I wonder if I had stopped working sooner would things be different. Would Jasper be here right now safe in my arms? The hardest part is I know I should have left work sooner. My job at the time was very stressful and my co-workers treated me like shit. So why didn't I just leave? Why did I wait so long to go on FMLA? These are questions I will be asking myself until the day I die.

I am also feeling guilty about not being pregnant yet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like it should have happened already. I know for a fact that we have “did the deed” on the right days because I do temperature charting and everything was done on the right days. I just recently started temping every day again because my OB wants to see at least 5 charts so that he can tell that I am ovulating. I’m just so ready to be pregnant again. *Sigh*

Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Journey to see a Specialist

I finally got to see the specialist in North Carolina, but before I write about what was said in that appointment we had lots of fun that I want to write about first. We started our journey on Thursday afternoon. We first started driving to Ohio to go to a youtube Atheist gathering. We started our journey in the afternoon because I was sick for a few days before hand and wasn’t able to pack until I woke up in the morning. We drove for 10 hours before we decided to get a hotel for the night in Statesville, North Carolina. We got up about six in the morning and were back on the road around seven. The drive from Statesville to Columbus was absolutely beautiful. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains and there are no words to describe the beauty. I have so many wonderful pictures, but I will have to Photoshop them because there was no way Jonathan would stop every 5 minutes for me to get a picture so I had to take them from the car and driving in the summer equals bugs on windshield.

We had a blast in Ohio. We stayed there for two nights Friday and Saturday and left to Durham on Sunday morning. The two nights in Ohio was the best two nights I have had since losing Jasper. I can’t even explain it, but I will try. During those two nights I got drunk and I think the best thing about it is that nobody knew about Jasper. I did tell one women about him because she asked about my charms on my necklace. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to talk about him, I did. It’s just I took a step back and focused on having fun and not obsessing about everything that I have lost, but just decided to have fun. I didn’t even realize just how much time I spend obsessing about losing Jasper and trying to conceive Jasper’s sister or brother that I forget to have fun. I almost forgot about one of the greatest parts of being in Ohio. We went to the science museum and went to the Titanic Exhibition. I absolutely never thought I would ever see it and I did. It was amazing! Seeing those artifacts that were lying on the ocean floor for 60+ years, well there are no words. We got to touch a piece of the Titanic and there was a room that was filled with stars, had a large piece of ice (iceberg), and it was freezing and eerily quiet. The atmosphere of the room was supposed to simulate how it was the night the Titanic sank. I have read a lot of books about the titanic, but to see it was, priceless.

Driving to Durham, North Carolina we went through the same mountain range we did on the way out and still breathtaking. We got to Durham and our next hotel at about six in the evening. We found the best Italian Restaurant and had dinner. We had a free day on Monday so we decided to go to The Streets at South Point mall and it was huge. We spent all day there looking around and of course shopping and spent our night swimming in the pool at the hotel.

Now, the major point of this trip was to see the high risk specialist that specializes in blood clotting disorders. It was Dr. J, and internist, and a Geneticist that where all in the room and it was a bit intimidating. We started off going through my history with miscarriages and the events that happened during the time I was pregnant with Jasper. She talked about my risks because of my Homozygous Factor V and was very surprised I never developed a blood clot when I was taking birth control or smoking. She said that because I had such a high risk for clotting and the fact that Jasper had such a large clot in his placenta that it would be a good idea for me to start Lovenox 40 mg a day pre-conception and then once we hear a viable heartbeat then I would start Lovenox twice a day based on my weight. We also talked about my risk for getting Pre-eclampsia and HELLP again and sadly we do not have good news there. She said based on the gestational age I was when I got it (24 weeks), the fact that I have an underlying condition, and the fact that Jasper had severe IUGR. My risks are elevated to 75% chance that it will happen again, but the chances are lowered due to the fact that I will be on Lovenox early enough. She even said with women who get pre-e the problem started when the placenta was implanting in the uterus. She said that with the early treatment of the Lovenox could help, but it is still a roll of the dice and you never know what could happen. She also went through my other options such as surrogacy and adoption, but I told her we are not ready to go that route yet. She did say that she would tell me if it was in fact to dangerous to get pregnant and she has told people that they should not even try or if they got pregnant that they should abort the baby due to such high risk to the mother, but she did not say that about me and she said that. She said my risks where manageable with Lovenox. I did talk to her about my job and she couldn’t tell me to quit my job and get a new one, but she did stress that having a high stress job like mine lots of waking, pushing, pulling, lifting, and bending could be harmful in pregnancy and could impact the blood flow to the placenta. She couldn’t legally tell me that it would be a good idea to switch jobs, but I understand what she was saying. When I was pregnant with Jasper I was working in an out-patient rehab at the time and it required me to be on my feet all day long and I was always cramping up which I thought to be normal. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing all that, but I never in a million years thought I was harming Jasper. That is pretty much it. I am still waiting to hear from my Hematologist about when I should start the Lovenox, but if he doesn’t call me by the end of next week I will call him.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Jealousy and Fear

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy." - Wikipedia
Jealousy is the next strongest emotion next to grief at least for me it is. Some people are lucky enough to be able to hide this emotion, but some like me can not. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let things get to me, that I shouldn't be jealous. These are all people who don't have the first clue what it is like to live with years of infertility, failed pregnancies, and the loss of a child. I also don't understand why people get so offended when someone is jealous of them? I mean someone being jealous of you is kind of flattering in a way, right? They say that living your life being jealous of everyone that has a kid, and can get pregnant easily and by easily I mean it doesn't take a year or more to get pregnant is bad for you. Why? Why is it bad for you exactly? For me it makes me try harder to get what I want. To have a child that is my goal. I will do it, I will one day have a child, a living child. The truth is even when I do get what I want the jealousy will still be there. I will always be jealous of women who get pregnant easily, can have a problem free pregnancy, and that get to have multiple children. The effects of infertility and infant loss will never go away. I will live with this forever.

I am having lots of fears about going to see this specialist in North Carolina. I'm so afraid about what she is going to be telling me. I go see her in 10 days and the fear is getting stronger with each passing day. The one thing I'm pretty sure she is going to tell me that I will have to go on Lovenox while we are trying. I'm ready for that and I'm prepared to hear that. I keep having these fears that she is going to tell me that I will need to quit my job and go on bed rest for the whole nine months. Personally, I wouldn't mind it I would do anything to bring home a full term live baby. The problem is we get our health insurance through my job without it we would be SCREWED. Jonathan works from home and if we were to get private insurance we would have absolutely no money to live on at all. I could talk to her about maybe taking a less stressful job, like a sit down clerical job during my pregnancy or something that doesn't require so much walking, lifting and bending. I guess I will just have to see what she says and take it from there.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

2nd Mother's Day and A Break

My 2nd Mother’s day started out pretty nice. Jonathan and I went to Rainbow Springs. When we got home from doing that I noticed that a special showing of Letters to Juliet was playing in a nearby town, so we decided to go see it. We got to Ocala and went to the mall and did some shopping and ate some lunch. Headed over the Best Buy to see the latest and greatest gadgets there are and then headed to the movie theatre. We got to the ticket counter and the movie was sold out. I was so disappointed. Honestly, in the 14 years Jonathan and I have ever been together we have never had this happen. Even for sneak previews. After that we just headed home and spent the rest of our day there. I was very surprised that I only had one major breakdown while having lunch.

Lately, my depression has kicked into overdrive. It pretty much all started since I got my last monthly. I was so disappointed we didn’t get pregnant last cycle even though I knew I shouldn’t and the fact that we are supposed to be on a forced break until I get out to North Carolina in June. I can’t do it, I just can’t.

I also need to take a break from my blog. It seems like everyday I read the blogs that I follow and everyday there is a new pregnancy announcement. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for everyone. I’m just at a point right now where I feel like I will never get to have that again and it is depressing. We started trying again in Sept and nothing. I hate that I feel this way, but when you suffer from Infertility for so long and then lose your child and then have to deal with the infertility part all over again. IT SUCKS!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I am very pleased that for my 100th post that I get to wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Jasper's name and a beautiful website

In just a few short months I have gotten so many pictures with Jasper's name that I have not been able to keep track of them all let alone post thank you’s to everyone. I can't even begin to tell you just how much I LOOOVE seeing his name, and to know that other people think of him is priceless. I will be making another video with all of them very soon. That will be my thank you to everyone.

I wanted to introduce you to an absolute beautiful website I stumbled upon on facebook. If you are friends with me there you probably have realized that I join a lot of groups and pages. I’m addicted! If it sounds interesting, has a subject that I can relate to, or has anything to do with baby loss I join. I recently joined a group called Treasure Beans by Casey Doiron and on there I found her website. She is an absolute treasure.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

March of Dimes

I have been trying to write this post now for almost a week now; I tried every single day that I was off work since the day that I walked for the March of Dimes. We did real good I had originally set my goal to raise $250, but after all was said and done I raised $300. I want to thank each and every person who was able to donate to Jasper’s walk for The March of Dimes. When we got there I was beside myself to see how many people where there. I have no idea what made me think that it was going to be smaller, but I did. When I signed up to walk I never even thought about the NICU Grads until a fellow blog member brought it up in one of her posts. Truthfully, I’m really glad she did otherwise I would have been freaking out when I got there. I had time to process it all and thought I would be ready for it, but actually you can never be ready for something like that. Ever!

There was one NICU Grad there that made me think about everything we went through with Jasper. The little guy was about the age Jasper should be right now. The team for him was wearing shirts with his age (1 year old), how early he was born (16 weeks early), and his weight (1 pound 1 ounce). What is upsetting to me in a huge way is the fact that he was only 4 ounces bigger then Jasper. Now, I don’t know how the doctors or nurses treated the parents or that little boy, but they treated us like Jasper would never survive. Even before I had to have the emergency c-section they kept telling me over and over that Jasper would not make it, it is too early. Blah! Blah! Blah! When Jasper was born it was like they didn’t even care what they where doing because they had it in their heads he would never survive anyway. I have convinced my self that they just didn’t care at all. I am and will always be grateful for the amount of time I did get to spend with Jasper.

The place where we walked was absolutely stunning. Click here to see the pictures.

Every month for the past year I have been getting a How do you feed your baby survey in the mail and I just usually just shred it. This month I didn’t I opened it to see if there was an email or number to call to get them to stop sending this to me, but there wasn’t. So, what I did was wrote in nice big letters on the front was “Please stop sending me these my baby passed away and getting these every month is a real nasty reminder.” I wonder what the person’s face looked like when he/she opened it and read it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Being blah can be dangerous

I'm feeling very blah today and that could be a dangerous thing. It leaves me to think and wonder. Jonathan had mentioned to me that he doesn't think we should wait until we see that OB in North Carolina. The way I see it we would probably only have to take a month or two off, but Jonathan has a point. He thinks that any month we take off is a waste and he is right. I don't want any wasted months, but if it ensures that maybe one day we could have a healthy pregnancy and our take home rainbow baby then why am I so upset about a month or two of wasted cycles? Well, I'm not getting any younger and neither are my eggs. A wasted month means my eggs are another month older.

It is very hard for me not to wonder what Jasper would be like right now. He would be 13 months right now or if he was born when he should have been he would be 10 months. I have been around babies enough to know milestones, but I do know babies develop at their own rate. I wonder what Jasper's milestones would be right now. Would he be crawling? I wonder about his weight, height, sleep habits. I want to know what his smile would've looked like and well just anything and everything about him. I hate the fact that I will never know these things.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Clothing drive and medical records

While I was in Gainesville we were finally able to drop off the donations from Jasper's clothing drive. The reason we didn't drop them off earlier like planned is because Jonathan knew we were going to be out there for my Appt and didn't want to make more then one trip out there because it is a long drive. I was able to give the NICU more than 30 pieces of clothing and I had gotten 15-20 blankets from Stephanie at Sweet pea project. I would consider the drive a success.

While I was at the hospital I went to Medical Records and got mine and Jasper's medical records. I have to admit I was a bit hesitant to look at them at first, but I did.

Mine had all my blood work which is really what I needed to see. I have always needed visual proof and now I got it. They are saying that I had Severe Pre-eclampsia with Class 3 HELLP. I think I was pretty lucky that I had class 3 and they are saying this because my Platelet counts stayed close to the normal range, but my liver enzymes were way high and they were the highest starting the day before I delivered and continued until after I delivered. That would explain the upper right quadrant pain! *sigh*

Jasper's was very good. I have to say that my little man was perfect in every way. Everything is where it should have been for his gestational age, well except for his weight of course. His Apgars were 8 and 8 at 1 and 5 minutes that is better then most babies born under normal circumstances. His PKU was perfect. I finally got to find out that Jasper was 11.2 inches. I have to tell you that I was absolutely mad that the hospital never gave me this information before.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Update on my appointment

I will start with the blood clot in Jasper's placenta. What Dr. L told me was that being on Lovenox doesn't necessarily keep you from getting blood clots. In my case what had happened is considered pretty rare. For some reason that we will never know a bleed happened in the placenta and being on the lovenox made it keep bleeding and getting bigger and bigger. The reason why it was never found is because it was actually inside the placenta. He said that the only ones you can really see with a ultrasound is the ones that are in between the placenta and the uterus. It was actually so nice to finally have someone tell me something about this. My old OB wouldn't say anything except that she had no idea and my new one said that my OB probably knew about it, but just didn't want to tell me. I really hope that he won't hold any info from me because I'm so proactive in my health care that I WILL find out.

So, next is Platelet counts. Dr. L pretty much told me that as long as they are still normal then he is not going to worry just yet. On a good note my counts today were 215,000. I still think they are low, but he thought they were good for someone with a blood clotting disorder. Normal range is between 150,000 - 500,000.

Dr. L was pretty worried that I was already trying again without seeing him first. He really wants to have a game plan in order for when I do get pregnant again. So, if I end up not getting pregnant this month then we will be on hold for a while until a game plan is in order. First order of business is to go to Duke university to see a High Risk OB. She specializes in blood clotting disorders in pregnancy and Dr. L says she comes highly recommended. He is wondering on whether or not I should either be on Lovenox while we are trying. He is also wondering on whether or not I should be on a treatment dose of Lovenox when I get pregnant which means it would be based on my weight and would be taken twice a day instead of once. I hope to be seeing the Dr. at Duke real soon; I just have to check insurance info and call Dr. L back up so that he can call her to set up the appointment.

Dr. L is testing me again for the Antiphospholipid syndrome because it is something that could be acquired and not considered genetic. I did talk to him about the Long chain acyl-coa dehydrogenase or LCHAD mutation gene (it is a test that may give a clue as to whether or not I would be more likely to get HELLP again and even if it comes out negative there is still a 15 -20% I will anyway). He pretty much said that we will have the Dr. at Duke decide if I should have it.

I will post about the rest of the day in another post.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hopefully, I will get some answers

Tomorrow is the day I finally go back to see my Hematologist and hopefully get some answers. I really need to know why I developed a blood clot in Jasper's placenta if I was on Lovenox (a blood thinning medication). I also need to know if he knew about the blood clot would I have been put on a higher dose of the Lovenox. I can't help still being so mad at the fact that I was having ultrasounds every two weeks and the blood clot was never caught. I can remember one ultrasound I had at about 21 weeks with my high risk doctor and she spent a lot of time looking at Jasper and was wondering why he was so small. All she kept telling me is that I needed to get an amnio to find out what was wrong and I kept telling her that I will not get an amnio because the risk of Pprom (preterm premature rupture of membranes) was way to high and I was not going to risk my sons life and was glad I didn't because they would have never found out I had a blood clot from an amnio and it turned out Jasper was perfectly healthy. I also need to have a plan in action for my next pregnancy. I already have lovenox for when I get my BFP and I'm hoping that will be soon.

It's hard to believe that I'm already on my 8th cycle. I'm really getting frustrated that this is taking so long, yet again. I have been trying to relax, but it is so very hard. I'm doing everything I did before I got pregnant with Jasper. Except for temping I'm not doing that as well as I should. I'm on Fertility Friend and I haven't even been charting all my symptoms either. I think I did it once since I started again and it just gets my hopes up. Fertility Friend has what they call Early pregnancy signs and what that does is based on your symptoms it gives you a percentage on you probability of being pregnant. The one month I did it I got like between 80-90% chance of being pregnant based on my symptoms and I wasn't.

The other day I met an older woman and we got to talking. She asked me if I had any kids and I told her about Jasper. She then began to tell me about the son she lost to a placental abruption on April 1st 57 years ago. We talked for a long time. She told me about that day and the things people said to her. That is the one thing that doesn't change, peoples inability to understand what we go through when we lose a child. She told me that every year on April 1st even though it has been 57 years she still has a hard time. She said that in time the pain lessens, but it never really goes away. It was just so bittersweet to talk to someone who understands what I feel and understands what I have been through.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Video's, dreams, and anger

I can't believe I never posted the video's I made for Jasper here. I swear these days I would probably forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.
This one is the story of Jasper's life:

This is the slide show of Jasper's name:

I work in a hospital and more often then not I get patients asking me if I have any children. I tell them yes I have one son, but sadly he passed away and leave it at that unless they ask me anything else. Anyway, there has been a few patients within the last couple of months that asked me and I told them and each time when I went in to do their 3 A.M. vital signs they told me that they had a dream that I was going to have twins. Now, normally I would be super happy to hear this, but the first thing that goes through my head is I would be at a greater risk for getting Pre-e and HELLP again. I would be the happiest person in the world if I got pregnant again and it was twins under normal circumstances and I didn't have that extra risk.

Which brings me to the anger portion of the post. The past year I have told a lot of people what has happened to me and sadly most don't even know what Pre-e or HELLP is, so I have to explain in short detail about them. The ones that I have told and have some knowledge on these conditions always take a look at me (by look I mean look me up and down) and say "HMMMMM! I thought only big women only get that?" WHAT? Seriously, Why would you say this to me? I just simply tell them that I have seen pictures of quite a lot of women that have had this and they are not "BIG" either. I just don't understand how someone could say something like that. It just pisses me off. I was going to write this a bit ago, but decided not to; until I saw on a comment on facebook of another baby lost mama that she was told that as well. It just brought back all those feelings and had to get it out.

Friday, March 26, 2010

It's been a while

First, I want to thank everyone who has donated to Jasper's walk for the March of Dimes so far. Thank you so very much.
My walk is in 29 days and I really want to reach my goal of $250. I really need your help.

It has been way to long since my last post. I have been so super busy that I didn’t have any time to write. Since my last post I have worked three 12 hour shifts in a row twice. If you ever worked 12 hour shift you know that the 12 hours that you are off in between shifts you don’t want to do much of anything, but sleep. In between that my dad came to Florida for a week and that was nice. We did a lot of fun stuff.

On the second day that my dad was here we went to dinner to pizza hut. Everything was going great until the waitress puts a family in the table next to us. When they were walking to the table I heard the baby crying and I froze. They put the baby practically right next to me, with him facing me and that is when I started to cry. It was so hard to even look at the baby, but when I did he stopped crying and he just kept starring at me. I didn’t think anything of this at first, but the whole time we were there he would not take his eyes off of me. Another baby lost mama had a similar experience and it got me thinking if babies do have some kind of sixth sense about things? Since that day I have been paying a lot more attention to this and I have noticed that whenever there is a baby close to me they tend to watch me.

There has been something that has been bugging me and it is about my job. I got a call from my boss on I think it was Feb 25th and she was told by some of my co-workers that on the 24th I was moody and crying. Yes, the weeks and days leading up to Jasper’s birthday and Angelversary left me a bit moody, but this particular day my patients were lets just say hard to handle. I was getting admissions left and right and a lot of my patience where incontinent. Anyway, I was in with a patient and she started flipping out on me. Just one of the joys of working the midnight shift with sun-downing patients. I walked out to the nurse’s station crying because I just get very emotional and the charge nurse asked me if I was OK. Being emotional I said “That I will never be OK.” I went to go help the patient after a few seconds and one of my co-workers came in and made me leave the room after I told her I would be OK, but she would not take no for an answer so I left and cried some more. To the point my boss calls me and tells me “I need to take time off.” I told her that I am (I had already put in to take the first week of March off). I told her I had one more day to work before that, but she wanted to give me that day off so I took it. She then continues to tell me that yelling at the patients is never good. I was like hold up, I never yelled at the patient and told her everything that really happened, but she didn’t believe me. She continued to tell me that I need to get help and talk to someone and that I need to just somehow “get over it.” Oh, how I hate those words! I wish people could understand that I will never get over the loss of my son. Someone who has never lost a child before will never get it.
I did try and talk to her again in person, but it was no use. She told me that some to my co-workers told her that I cry too much and she told me that if I need to cry I need to go into the bathroom and not cry at the nurse’s station. I’m at a loss about this. I’m just so flipping pissed off about this. If any of my co-workers are reading this that have a problem with me crying about the loss of my son. You need to grow the fuck up and grow a heart and if you have a damn problem with me grieving for my loss you come to me not our boss. COWARDS!

The other day at work I was tried a couple of different time and I have to say I did very well. I was working again in the ER again and two different cases with pg women and I didn’t cry. I almost did, but managed to stop myself. One of them I even had to take to OB and that was so hard to do, but I did it. Yay me!

A couple of thank you's I forgot to mention in Jasper's birthday and angelversary post is I recieved two beautiful pics of candles for Jasper.

Thank you susan:

Thank you Sandie:

And a few more thank you's to a few wonderful women who wrote my Jasper's name.

Thank you Laura for doing this for me.

Thank you Jaime for writing Jasper's name in the ice.

and thank you to Michelle who wrote Jasper's name in the snow and put it on my Waterfall Angels facebook page.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

March of Dimes walk

Hi everyone, I'm doing a walk for the March of Dimes in April for my Jasper. I'm asking for any size donation, anything even if it is a dollar would be wonderful. Thank you all so very much.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

And the winner of the frame is....

Using Random.org I got #3 and that is Michelle from Missing Juanito. Congrats Michelle. Please send me your Address to jasperthomas@live.com and if there is anything more that you would like to add that reminds you of your precious Juanito.

Thank you to all that entered. I liked reading what reminds you of your precious angels. Sorry I haven't been around to much lately things have been hectic around here. I will be writing again soon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

One year

First, I would like to thank everyone who entered My first blog giveaway. I have decided to keep it up another week so that more people can enter in the chance to get the frame. Everone who has not entered you may do so by following the link: My first blog giveaway

It has been one year since Jasper was born and passed away. I can't even believe I made it through last week. As it approached I felt like I would crumble to a million pieces and fly away and part of me wishes that I had. I never wanted this year mark to come. Well, I never wanted to to come without Jasper. I hate the fact that he is gone, I hate the fact that I have to go on without him, I just hate everything about this. The truth of the matter is, if my sister wasn't down here I probably would have went insane. Somehow her being down here, keeping me busy doing things kept me from going insane for sure.

On March 4th we went to Silver Springs state park to celebrate Jasper's birthday. We spent the day talking about Jasper, taking boat rides hearing about the history, and taking lots of pictures. My sister and I did buy Jasper some presents and put them on Jasper's Dresser.

On March 6th we did a lot on Jasper's Angelversary. We started out by going over to Rainbow Springs so that I can honor Jasper by taking photos of some Angel rocks by the waterfalls. We then went to the beach and did the balloon release and I wrote Jasper's name in the sand.

I just wish so bad that I would be writing how Jasper made a mess of his first birthday cake and how he reacted to his presents and there would have been way more then two. I know I will always wonder about the what-if's, what Jasper would be doing, and what he would look like. I wish people could understand that I didn't loose someone that I knew for a lifetime. I lost my child who I never got to know, and who I never got to see grow up.

Monday, March 1, 2010

My first blog giveaway

I really wanted to do this as a 100th post type thing, but I couldn't wait. So, I'm doing this because I have reached over 50 followers. When I started this blog I never thought that I would have so many people reading about Jasper's story and it was never my intention when I started this blog. I do want to say that I appreciate every single one of you for reading my story and helping me through my grief it means the world to me.

So getting to the point the giveaway. It is open to all baby lost mommy's and daddy's, if you follow my blog or not. So here it is: It is a collectable case frame.

Of course, the one I have for this giveaway has nothing on it. I just wanted to show off what I did with mine.

So, what I would like to know is three things animals, words, pretty much anything that remind you of your angel babie(s). I will be using those three things to get some stickers for the frame, not including the letters for your angels name(s). So leave me a comment on this post to enter.
I will be keeping this giveaway open until Monday March 8th.


This month has brought on a whole new meaning for me. Last year if someone would have asked me what does March mean to me? I would have said nothing. Oh, how I still wish that was the case. Now, if I was asked that same question. I would say that March means the birth and death of one of the most important person in my life and alway will be. I know associate March as one of the saddest months of the year. It will alway be the month when I celebrate the birth of my first born son and mourn his death.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

One year ago today...

I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I was in denial about the whole situation. I had no idea how sick I really was. The only way I can sum it up is that when you are faced with a problem you always go into some sort of denial. I went to the doctor that day thinking it was just going to be a routine visit, but instead my B/P was sky high. My doctor told me that my Platlet counts were really low and that he really thought it would be best for me to go to the hospital and be observed. I was refusing to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want anything to be wrong with me and I guess going to the hospital would have been admitting there was something wrong. My Dr. eventually talked me into going and it scared me so very much and when I walked into that hospital I never thought I would walk out without Jasper.

The last picture of Jasper safe in mommy's tummy. It was taken just before I was told to go to the hospital for observation.

Lately, I have been having nervous breakdowns two of them have been at work. The first time I was standing at the nurses station when I thought I heard a patient call for help. I didn't rush off because no one else was getting up and going so I figured I heard wrong. It happened again the patient called for help when one of my other co-workers that was close to the room screamed out "someone is calling for help" and he did nothing about it; he just stood there. I got pissed off. I walked passed everyone and said "It is really nice that no one goes to see what is wrong with a patient when they call for help." My co-worker then said to me " I was busy cleaning this vital sign machine." WHAT? Seriously, cleaning a stupid machine is more important then a patient calling for help? So, I screamed out "The patients come first." Then went into the patients room and the miserable old man started yelling at me. At first I was very calm and told him that he didn't have to yell at me I was there to help him, but he just kept going on and on; so, I broke. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I started crying and I yelled at the poor sick miserable old man. I know I didn't say anything bad to him, but still I felt really bad. The second time it wasn't as bad. A patient just started freaking out thinking I spilled some pee from the badpan on her bed and I kept telling her I didn't when she kept saying I did. I just said I would change her pad and I don't even know why, but I started bawling. My charge nurse asked if I was alright and I freaked on her saying I will never be all right. Yikes, I'm just more embarressed about these situations more then anything.

So, My boss called me today. She heard about the first incident and told me I needed to take some time off. Well, that is nice seeing that I will be off till March 8th already all she had to do is give me Sunday off. I told her that I'm sure it is just the build up until my son's birthday and Angelversary, but she continued to lecture me anyway. I told her I know that it was wrong and that I will be OK. She did tell me that I have to start talking to someone and saving the best for last. She told me that it is time that I get over this and move on. I would have said something or educated her that, that will never happen, but I didn't want to stir the pot that was already troubled. I thought she was the only one in real life that understood, but I guess I was wrong.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Well, My last chance to be pregnant before Jasper's birthday is gone. I didn't get AF yet, but I tested. I'm 11 DPO and got a BFN. I hate this. I was really hoping to be pregnant so that it would make Jasper's birthday a bit more bearable. I know the pain wouldn't be any less, but being pregnant with Jasper's sister or brother would have made it more bearable.

I can't believe Jasper's birthday is in 12 days. Where did the time go. Did I go through some time warp? It sure feels like it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just a quick thank you...

to Franchesca for my new blog design. I LOOOOOVVEE it SOOOOOO much! I can't stop going to my blog to look at it. Jonathan loves it as well. Thank you so very much!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Some Thank you's and some rambelings

I would like to say thanks to Megan for writing Jasper's name in the snow. I sure do love to see his name and that other people think of him...

...and Birni for making this beautiful Valentine for Jasper.

Not much going on here. I am still trying to figure out where to have Jasper's Birthday party. I'm thinking Rainbow Springs State Park. I plan on doing a balloon release. I would like to ask a favor if you would on March 4th light a candle or release a balloon and take a pic and send it to me at jasperthomas@live.com. I would be forever grateful. These next few weeks are going to be hard to say the least.

I'm so hoping that the clomid worked this month, I do not want to endure another month of this stuff. I'm so glad I finally ovulated and that I'm no longer the crazy lady. Now, I'm a crazy lady in a different way. I am in the two week wait and that in a sence will drive you crazy. I'm over analyzing every twinge in my body. Symptoms so far are tender breasts, bloated, and that is about it. I think that is pretty good for only being 3dpo (days past ovulation).

I finally made my appts with my doctors. I see my new OB next Thursday and my Hematologist next month on the 21st. I think I overwhelmed the nurse for my new OB with everthing that has happened to me. It will also be interesting to see what my Hematologist says when he finds out that Jasper had a clot in his placenta and why it was never caught by a high risk doctor or my OB. If it had infact been caught early enough I would have been on a higher dose of Lovenox and on strict bed rest. The blood clot had been there a month before I had my emergency c-section, so maybe Jasper would have been close to where he should have been.

I know I have to stop thinking about the what if's? and What should have beens? I just don't know how I can. This is probably the most difficult part of being a baby lost mama.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anger, Fear all wrapped in my stomach

I wanted to thank all of you for such wonderful support you gave me about my last post. I have to admit that I was a bit scared to post it. I have been treated poorly about my belief or lack there of in the past, but it was something I had to get off my chest. I'm so glad and grateful that I have this blog and all of you to help me through these rough times.

I can not believe it has been a full 11 months since this nightmare began. I was so nieve getting admitted into the hospital, being told that if my "condition" gets worse I will have to have an emergency c-setion and that my son may not live. For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with all of those things in this title. I get to the point where I can't function, I can't even sleep. How has it been almost a full year without my son and through all this I remembered yesterday that I completely forgot about Feb 1st. It marks the day that two years ago I lost my first baby and I only noticed it because I scrolled down to the bottom of my blog and saw my tickers. How could I have forgotten about my first precious lost baby? I feel like such a horrible mom.

The fear is driving my insane. It is a fear that stems from almost 4 and a half years of infertility. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant ever again or if I do, will I lose him/her? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I develop Pre-e and HELLP again? These are all the questions that go through my head on a daily basis. I hate the fact that I feel like this, I hate the fact that I even have to worry about those questions, and most of all I hate the fact that I can't just be a normal women who gets pregnant and has a baby. I just feel like such a failure.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Upset and distraught

I have been wanting to write this for some time now and just was not sure if I should. I just can not hold this in any longer it is eating me alive and I have to write it out.

I need to get this part out first because it has to deal with the main part of the story. I don't know how else to say this, so I will just get on with it.

This has been eating at me since we went to Chicago in November. Jonathan and I went to dinner with his brother and wife, so my brother-in-law and sister-and-law. Like always the conversation started about god and religion. Jonathan and I are both Agnostic, we are unsure that there is a god or an intelligent creator. We are just a couple of people who accept everyone for who they are and expect the same. Well, not with them. My brother-in-law especially. He finds every exuse to argue the subjet. In this case he went to far or he put his foot and his mouth and their is absolutely no way I could ever forgive him for this. The discussion came up about loosing a child and my brother-in-law said pretty much that we lost Jasper because we are godless and evil. I was dumb founded and pissed to say the least. He soon after tried to take this statement back and say something different, but the damage is done with me. I know on some level he meant it when he said it, even if he doesn't know. The people in my life know I'm not an evil person. I am a person who will bend over backwards to help them. I treat EVERYONE with respect and dignity as I expect to be treated and this is what I get and from my own family.

I'm usually a very forgiving person, but I don't know how I can forgive my Brother-in-law for saying what he said.

The way I think of things is that if there is a god. I would hope that he would understand why I didn't believe he exsisted. If a god exsists and he is just like he is in the bible, all mean and unforgiving of people like me who are unsure then so be it. Then it is for me to live with. I don't understand why people get so offended by me being agnostic, it's not like I want to change anyone.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Empty arms and a heavy heart

I had a pretty tough night two nights ago. I was at work (I work as a CNA at a hospital) and I was sent to the ER to work. I can't even count how many pregnant women came into the ER last night. I did not even want to know what they where there for. The worst part was about 2:30 in the morning when in walks a new mom with her new baby. The baby had a cold. I couldn't even go near the baby without wanting cry and I did. I was cleaning the bed in the next station over and listening to her making baby talk, just making all the sounds that a baby makes. I felt my heart sink and suddenly my arms became so heavy. I want my baby back with me and in my arms.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Another month and Waterfall Angels

Well, yet another month and nothing. I thought for sure I had a shadow of a line about 5 days ago, but I guess not. Now, it is back to clomid time. I wish it didn't have to come to this because I hate myself when I'm on clomid. Oh well, it's all for the greater good.

I also want to introduce my newest blog Waterfall Angels. I'm still working on some of the details of the blog, but I have already put the names I have already done. I can not wait to get started on writing some more names. It makes me happy to do something so special for angel mommies. I have also made a facebook page as well Waterfall Angels

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Thank you

I wanted to give a special thank you to Katy for making Jasper this beautiful plaque. I already have it hanging next to my desk. I absolutely love the scripture as well. Thank you so very much.

Monday, January 18, 2010

My project

Just a quick post. I stared working on my not so little project. So far I have written and taken pictures of 15 angel's names for 12 different mommies. This is just a small portion of the names that I have written down and ready to go. I know first hand how we all love to see our angels names written in different ways. I did cry while working on them, it is just so sad. I will be posting the pics on a different blog or some other way. I don't want to take away from my precious Jasper's blog.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

My poor husband

Today we went to the mall to do a little bit of shopping and we where in Kmart checking out when I told him I had to use the ladies room and I will be right back. I got up to the front of the store where he was watching a little girl, she was not listening to her mom at all. Jonathan and I walked out and he started laughing and said "That little girl just didn't want to listen to her mama." I snapped at him and didn't mean to. I said "you know what I just don't fucking care." The poor look on his face. I felt so bad. I just don't want to talk about any kids. I told him that and he said "That one day we will have a child either on our own or through adoption." Well, I started bawling. We should not be saying this in future tense. It should be the present. We should be parent's to Jasper. We are parents to Jasper, just not in the way we want to be. It is just not fair.

Friday, January 15, 2010

99 things

A couple of other fellow blogger's Kristy and Rikki did this and thought I would join in the fun.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog! I am changing what I have done to black as the bold doesn't show up well with the colour scheme on my blog.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A song, and a couple of udates

I can't believe I forgot about this song. I used to sing it all the time when I was pregnant with Jasper. I heard it again just a little bit ago and had a meltdown. I miss him so much.

Well, I finally got my pos OPK and officially in the two week wait. I hate the fact that my cycles are so off, the fact that if I don't do those stupid OPK's and temp I will never know when I ovulate. As far as taking a HPT I have know idea when I will. I tested very early with Jasper about a week before I missed my period, so it is just a matter of not letting my obsession with peeing on a stick get to me.

UPDATE: my little project to write everyone's angel's name is still in the works. Due to the recent very cold weather here in Florida. It has been down in the 40's here during the day and 20's at night for the past two weeks and will continue for at least the next week. I have to put it on hold at least until it get's warmer because I have to go to the springs to do my project. That is the only hint I will spill.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I keep forgetting that this blog is also for my tireless journey through Infertility and hopes for a living Rainbow baby.

*Disclaimer I will be using harsh language*

I'm so sick and fucking tired of OPK's. I really don't even know why I continue to use them. I'm currently on cd 20 and the fucking ovulation test will be almost pos one day, then fucking full fledge negative the next. I mean come on I know I have fucked up cycles, but this is getting ridiculous. This was never like this before Jasper. They would gradually get darker until it was postitve. I hope this in not some start to a new fucking problem, because right now I can not handle any new fucking problems. I can not help to wonder why I can not just be normal in the sense that I can get pregnant, have a trouble free pregnancy, and a happy healthy baby? Nope, instead I am to watch everyone else get their dreams while I sit back and watch. It's like the universe is saying on big fuck you to me. I will not sit back and watch quietly, I will do everything in my power to be able to give the universe my middle finger back and say. HA! I fucking beat you. AAAAAAAAHH! Much better at least for now.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I found this and thought I would share. I just changed it with Jasper's name.

I wish Jasper hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. Jasper lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Jasper, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Jasper's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Jasper; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my Jasper's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of Jasper until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss Jasper and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When Jasper died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before Jasper died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I hope that you will never understand.