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Monday, September 6, 2010

18 months...

First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.

I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born.

I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.

A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.

Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.


  1. You have missed Jasper for 18 months and from my experience, you will always miss him. He will always be your baby boy.Yes, the extreme grief gets better, but Jasper will always be a part of your life. I agree -people who have not lost a child have no clue and shouldn't be giving advice to people who have lost children. I hope this month is the magic one for you and Jonathan. (((HUGS)))

  2. wow 18 months already (((HUGS)))

    on another note have you tried drinking cranberry juice or taking a cranberry supplement, its supposed to help with UTI's. I drink alot of the juice after i had one UTI as a teen and i haven't had one since.

    Sending lots of baby dust.

  3. I can't believe it's been 18 months either. I am so sorry that your co-workers are just not understanding. I often wonder if my work situation contributed to Jenna's death too, in a different way. I hate even going there, because I feel so helpless.

    I really hope that a baby is on the horizon for you and your hubby. xxxx

  4. You are so right...there is no wrong way to grieve or get through it. It is your child, your future hopes and dreams ~ all gone in an instant. Grief is heavy and real...I am only 6 month from my loss and there are days that I feel that no time has passed.

    I am so sorry that work is such a difficult place, that you don't get the support you need. So many just don't get it.

  5. I was goin to suggest the cranberry juice, too, but you could also try a yogurt with probiotics. I don't get UTI's, but recently read an article about them helping with that, anmong other things.
    And you're right, pther ppls ignorance regarding baby loss is astounding.
    Hang in there.

  6. I hate UTI's. But, I started drinking cranberry juice, not cocktail, and that has helped. I did also buy the supplement. I hope that helps some.

    Talk about stress related to work. I have that going on right now and everyone is trying to help me get through it. They keep telling me how it isn't good for my pregnancy. But, like you said about the co-workers. What can you do when you work with those kind of people?

    18 months have gone by and I can't believe it has been that long already. You are on my mind all the time and I keep hoping that you get your Rainbow soon.

  7. Do any of the dr's know why you are getting the UTI's? Seems strange it happens every time.

    I think it is hard for a lot of people to know and understand what it is like to lose a child. Some people (and I think they are few and far between) can reach out to us and share in our pain.

  8. I know this is so not a representative comparison, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't make it. With 9/11 memorials just recently happening, I watched so many different things with so many people just heartbroken still (justifiably so!!!!!) over the precious and tragic loss of their loved ones. All any commentator ever said was how poignant it was that their grief was still so tangible and so palpable...and with every right to be so because it's a loss that can't ever be healed completely.

    And though I know us losing our babies is apples and oranges....I just wonder why the rest of the world can't understand that ours were tragic and heartbreaking and won't ever be healed completely either?

    Thinking of you and hoping this is a calm, peaceful and successful cycle!