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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Jasper's life in the NICU

Jonathan was waiting just outside the doors that they wheeled me into for the c-section. He felt the need to be as close as he possible could to both of us. Shortly after Jasper was born the Dr’s where wheeling Jasper to the NICU and on the way Jonathan was able to see his son for the first time. The Dr’s stopped so that Jonathan could see Jasper; of course he couldn’t touch or hold him because Jasper was in an incubator. They told Jonathan he would be able to see Jasper in the NICU very soon.

Daddy holding Jasper's hand:

I don’t remember much about the first 24 hours after Jasper was born because I was coming out of anesthesia and on some heavy pain medication that kept knocking me out, so mostly all I remember is what Jonathan has told me. Also, I was not aloud up for the first 24 hours after my c-section because I was on that medication called Mag to prevent seizures. I woke up in the recovery room to Jonathan and the Doctor talking and that is when I asked how my son was doing. I remember hearing that he was stable at the moment, but that he would never leave the hospital. At first I didn’t believe I heard that right because I was in fact out of it. I did learn later that is what the Doctor said and I couldn’t believe that a Doctor would say such a horrible thing. I remember just after Jonathan and the Doctor was finished talking, Jonathan kissed me and told me he was going to see Jasper and that he would be back in a little while. When Jonathan got back he woke me up to look at the pictures of Jasper that he took and to show me the foot print that they took for us. He was also telling me how active Jasper was, kicking around and waving his arms and trying to cry, but couldn’t because he was on a ventilator. I remember looking at the pictures and thinking how beautiful he was, but I couldn’t keep my eye’s open and fell right back to sleep.

The next thing I remember was waking up in my room. I don’t remember what time it was, but I was determined to be ready to get up when I was aloud to go see my son. I spent all the time I wasn’t past out trying to eat graham crackers, drink Gatorade to get my strength back, and use my button that gave me my pain medicine to keep the pain away so that it would be some what easier to get up when I could. During this time Jonathan went to visit Jasper as much as he could, he was so afraid to leave me alone just in case something happened to me because my nurses were hardly ever in my room and he knew that Jasper always had his nurse close by.

It was now time for me to get up to see my son. The Mag to prevent seizures was gone and now taking my pain medicine by mouth. It took forever for the nurse to come in and help me up I was so mad. She knew how much I wanted to see my son. When she finally came in to help me up I made it to sitting at the side of the bed, but got really dizzy so I was forced to sit there for a while until I felt I was ready. I used that time for Jonathan to go get me a wheelchair because the nurse couldn’t find one on the floor. Ten minutes later I’m off to see my son.

Mommy rubbing Jasper's arm:

When I got to The NICU and saw Jasper for the first time I was scared because of how small he was. I didn’t realize going by the pictures that I’ve seen, well they were misleading. Jasper was so small there was practically no fat on him at all. From the looks of him you would have thought I was starving him, but I ate like a pig. His skin was still red and very thin. They had to put him on a special mat of sorts and not on a blanket because they said that his skin would tear if they did. We stayed there for about an hour because it was almost dinner and well I had to keep my strength up, but when where there that was the most precious time. I was able to put my hand in the incubator and rub his arm and his foot. He wasn’t really active when I was there he just slept. I didn’t think anything of it because when he was in me he would sleep all day and then up all night (takes after his dad there).

When I got back to my room I was greeted by the nurse that helps the new mom’s with pumping. She told me I should start right away so that Jasper would have my breast milk. I was more then willing to start and she went over the instructions and was there to guide me though the first time. After I was done eating and taking a little nap it was time to pump again (I was supposed to do it every 2 hours) once I was done with that I headed back to the NICU. It started out as a great visit. Jonathan and I were standing by Jasper’s incubator, I was holding Jasper’s hand and Jon and I were talking about what we thought Jasper would be like as a child. Doing what most parents would do when the happy killing nurse that overheard us came by and said that we needed to get our heads in the right place. I didn’t know what to think at the time, but Jonathan told me later that the day before she told him that they were only keeping Jasper alive so that we would have as much time to spend with him as possible. I did not know about that until we were home because I would have said something to her. What ever happened to letting the parent’s have some hope that there baby may make it out of there alive? I know they were trying to prepare us for the worst, but they didn’t have to be so damn mean about it. After about an hour of dealing with the happy killing nurse we went back to my room to wait for the next nurse to come in to go back.

Jonathan and I were sitting in my room and at about 10:30 p.m. when the NICU Dr. came in to talk to us about Jasper’s care. I don’t remember everything she said, but she did give us that glimmer of hope. She did tell us though that due to the fact that he was so small the odds was not very good. She was in there for about 45 minutes answering our questions when the happy killing nurse rushes in my room and says that we should get to the NICU right now. At that moment I broke. I was screaming No, this is not happening and Jonathan told me I was moaning all the way to the NICU. When we got there they were working on Jasper. His Oxygen saturation was very low as was his heart rate. I stood up not caring about how much pain I was in and for the next five or so minutes they were working on him and I kept telling Jasper to come back to stay with us, but they gave up on him and stopped. They asked if I wanted to hold him and I was hesitant thinking that they should not give up on my son. Eventually, we said yes to holding him. We held him for a long time while he was still on the ventilator and we were talking to him telling him how much we love him and how much he was wanted. Telling him how I was sorry about the pre-e that caused him to be born early and he would just look at me and I hope that he knew it was his mommy and daddy. Jasper passed away some time after midnight on 3/6/09 in his mommy and daddy’s arms. We spent the next couple of hours with him, holding him, crying and taking pictures to remember him by.

Mommy and Daddy saying goodbye:


  1. im so sorry hun for you loss, i know jsut how hard it is to have a little one and then to loose them i am here any time that you need to talk to someone ok, my email is satkinson01@optusnet.com.au email me any time you like ok hun

  2. Jasper was a beautiful baby!

  3. I am very sorry for your loss..I wish you peace. Jasper was a beautiful baby...

  4. I just found your blog and I want to express how sorry I am about your loss. Jasper was a very handsome little guy.
    I, too, lost my firstborn. He was born at 26 weeks because of my severe pre-e. I know how difficult the grieving process is.
    Take care - and your son was absolutely beautiful!

  5. I also just found your blog and gosh, I'm so sorry that PE took Jasper. Words aren't enough. I lost my son to PE too, he was a 25 weeker. Your blog is a beautiful tribute to Jasper - a beautiful little boy.

  6. My first baby was born sleeping @ 35wks & tho I didn't have PE I am sorry that this awful condition took your beautiful little boy. I am sorry for this and your other losses, I hope that all of your angels are playing happily together and that you and your husband find peace despite your pain. A tiny flower lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in heaven.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story of your precious Jasper. I'm so sorry you lost your baby boy. My cousin also lost her little girl to undiagnosed pre-e at 34 weeks. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  8. My little boy is named jasper thomas too! thats how i found your blog. what a horrible story but im so proud you are sharing it. i cant imagine the strength it must hsve taken to get through this. god bless you both!

  9. our only child, Caleb Michael, was stillborn June 1 of this year. We are not sure why yet but I did have pre- e and was on bed rest since week 20. He was born at 25 weeks and was only 14 ounces so I suspect IUGR as well. It is so hard.