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Our rainbow Samuel Thomas Goldthorpe

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

2nd Mother's Day and A Break

My 2nd Mother’s day started out pretty nice. Jonathan and I went to Rainbow Springs. When we got home from doing that I noticed that a special showing of Letters to Juliet was playing in a nearby town, so we decided to go see it. We got to Ocala and went to the mall and did some shopping and ate some lunch. Headed over the Best Buy to see the latest and greatest gadgets there are and then headed to the movie theatre. We got to the ticket counter and the movie was sold out. I was so disappointed. Honestly, in the 14 years Jonathan and I have ever been together we have never had this happen. Even for sneak previews. After that we just headed home and spent the rest of our day there. I was very surprised that I only had one major breakdown while having lunch.

Lately, my depression has kicked into overdrive. It pretty much all started since I got my last monthly. I was so disappointed we didn’t get pregnant last cycle even though I knew I shouldn’t and the fact that we are supposed to be on a forced break until I get out to North Carolina in June. I can’t do it, I just can’t.

I also need to take a break from my blog. It seems like everyday I read the blogs that I follow and everyday there is a new pregnancy announcement. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for everyone. I’m just at a point right now where I feel like I will never get to have that again and it is depressing. We started trying again in Sept and nothing. I hate that I feel this way, but when you suffer from Infertility for so long and then lose your child and then have to deal with the infertility part all over again. IT SUCKS!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I am very pleased that for my 100th post that I get to wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Jasper's name and a beautiful website

In just a few short months I have gotten so many pictures with Jasper's name that I have not been able to keep track of them all let alone post thank you’s to everyone. I can't even begin to tell you just how much I LOOOVE seeing his name, and to know that other people think of him is priceless. I will be making another video with all of them very soon. That will be my thank you to everyone.

I wanted to introduce you to an absolute beautiful website I stumbled upon on facebook. If you are friends with me there you probably have realized that I join a lot of groups and pages. I’m addicted! If it sounds interesting, has a subject that I can relate to, or has anything to do with baby loss I join. I recently joined a group called Treasure Beans by Casey Doiron and on there I found her website. She is an absolute treasure.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

March of Dimes

I have been trying to write this post now for almost a week now; I tried every single day that I was off work since the day that I walked for the March of Dimes. We did real good I had originally set my goal to raise $250, but after all was said and done I raised $300. I want to thank each and every person who was able to donate to Jasper’s walk for The March of Dimes. When we got there I was beside myself to see how many people where there. I have no idea what made me think that it was going to be smaller, but I did. When I signed up to walk I never even thought about the NICU Grads until a fellow blog member brought it up in one of her posts. Truthfully, I’m really glad she did otherwise I would have been freaking out when I got there. I had time to process it all and thought I would be ready for it, but actually you can never be ready for something like that. Ever!

There was one NICU Grad there that made me think about everything we went through with Jasper. The little guy was about the age Jasper should be right now. The team for him was wearing shirts with his age (1 year old), how early he was born (16 weeks early), and his weight (1 pound 1 ounce). What is upsetting to me in a huge way is the fact that he was only 4 ounces bigger then Jasper. Now, I don’t know how the doctors or nurses treated the parents or that little boy, but they treated us like Jasper would never survive. Even before I had to have the emergency c-section they kept telling me over and over that Jasper would not make it, it is too early. Blah! Blah! Blah! When Jasper was born it was like they didn’t even care what they where doing because they had it in their heads he would never survive anyway. I have convinced my self that they just didn’t care at all. I am and will always be grateful for the amount of time I did get to spend with Jasper.

The place where we walked was absolutely stunning. Click here to see the pictures.

Every month for the past year I have been getting a How do you feed your baby survey in the mail and I just usually just shred it. This month I didn’t I opened it to see if there was an email or number to call to get them to stop sending this to me, but there wasn’t. So, what I did was wrote in nice big letters on the front was “Please stop sending me these my baby passed away and getting these every month is a real nasty reminder.” I wonder what the person’s face looked like when he/she opened it and read it.