Waterfall Angels on Facebook

Our rainbow Samuel Thomas Goldthorpe

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Video's, dreams, and anger

I can't believe I never posted the video's I made for Jasper here. I swear these days I would probably forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.
This one is the story of Jasper's life:

This is the slide show of Jasper's name:

I work in a hospital and more often then not I get patients asking me if I have any children. I tell them yes I have one son, but sadly he passed away and leave it at that unless they ask me anything else. Anyway, there has been a few patients within the last couple of months that asked me and I told them and each time when I went in to do their 3 A.M. vital signs they told me that they had a dream that I was going to have twins. Now, normally I would be super happy to hear this, but the first thing that goes through my head is I would be at a greater risk for getting Pre-e and HELLP again. I would be the happiest person in the world if I got pregnant again and it was twins under normal circumstances and I didn't have that extra risk.

Which brings me to the anger portion of the post. The past year I have told a lot of people what has happened to me and sadly most don't even know what Pre-e or HELLP is, so I have to explain in short detail about them. The ones that I have told and have some knowledge on these conditions always take a look at me (by look I mean look me up and down) and say "HMMMMM! I thought only big women only get that?" WHAT? Seriously, Why would you say this to me? I just simply tell them that I have seen pictures of quite a lot of women that have had this and they are not "BIG" either. I just don't understand how someone could say something like that. It just pisses me off. I was going to write this a bit ago, but decided not to; until I saw on a comment on facebook of another baby lost mama that she was told that as well. It just brought back all those feelings and had to get it out.

Friday, March 26, 2010

It's been a while

First, I want to thank everyone who has donated to Jasper's walk for the March of Dimes so far. Thank you so very much.
My walk is in 29 days and I really want to reach my goal of $250. I really need your help.

It has been way to long since my last post. I have been so super busy that I didn’t have any time to write. Since my last post I have worked three 12 hour shifts in a row twice. If you ever worked 12 hour shift you know that the 12 hours that you are off in between shifts you don’t want to do much of anything, but sleep. In between that my dad came to Florida for a week and that was nice. We did a lot of fun stuff.

On the second day that my dad was here we went to dinner to pizza hut. Everything was going great until the waitress puts a family in the table next to us. When they were walking to the table I heard the baby crying and I froze. They put the baby practically right next to me, with him facing me and that is when I started to cry. It was so hard to even look at the baby, but when I did he stopped crying and he just kept starring at me. I didn’t think anything of this at first, but the whole time we were there he would not take his eyes off of me. Another baby lost mama had a similar experience and it got me thinking if babies do have some kind of sixth sense about things? Since that day I have been paying a lot more attention to this and I have noticed that whenever there is a baby close to me they tend to watch me.

There has been something that has been bugging me and it is about my job. I got a call from my boss on I think it was Feb 25th and she was told by some of my co-workers that on the 24th I was moody and crying. Yes, the weeks and days leading up to Jasper’s birthday and Angelversary left me a bit moody, but this particular day my patients were lets just say hard to handle. I was getting admissions left and right and a lot of my patience where incontinent. Anyway, I was in with a patient and she started flipping out on me. Just one of the joys of working the midnight shift with sun-downing patients. I walked out to the nurse’s station crying because I just get very emotional and the charge nurse asked me if I was OK. Being emotional I said “That I will never be OK.” I went to go help the patient after a few seconds and one of my co-workers came in and made me leave the room after I told her I would be OK, but she would not take no for an answer so I left and cried some more. To the point my boss calls me and tells me “I need to take time off.” I told her that I am (I had already put in to take the first week of March off). I told her I had one more day to work before that, but she wanted to give me that day off so I took it. She then continues to tell me that yelling at the patients is never good. I was like hold up, I never yelled at the patient and told her everything that really happened, but she didn’t believe me. She continued to tell me that I need to get help and talk to someone and that I need to just somehow “get over it.” Oh, how I hate those words! I wish people could understand that I will never get over the loss of my son. Someone who has never lost a child before will never get it.
I did try and talk to her again in person, but it was no use. She told me that some to my co-workers told her that I cry too much and she told me that if I need to cry I need to go into the bathroom and not cry at the nurse’s station. I’m at a loss about this. I’m just so flipping pissed off about this. If any of my co-workers are reading this that have a problem with me crying about the loss of my son. You need to grow the fuck up and grow a heart and if you have a damn problem with me grieving for my loss you come to me not our boss. COWARDS!

The other day at work I was tried a couple of different time and I have to say I did very well. I was working again in the ER again and two different cases with pg women and I didn’t cry. I almost did, but managed to stop myself. One of them I even had to take to OB and that was so hard to do, but I did it. Yay me!

A couple of thank you's I forgot to mention in Jasper's birthday and angelversary post is I recieved two beautiful pics of candles for Jasper.

Thank you susan:

Thank you Sandie:

And a few more thank you's to a few wonderful women who wrote my Jasper's name.

Thank you Laura for doing this for me.

Thank you Jaime for writing Jasper's name in the ice.

and thank you to Michelle who wrote Jasper's name in the snow and put it on my Waterfall Angels facebook page.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

March of Dimes walk

Hi everyone, I'm doing a walk for the March of Dimes in April for my Jasper. I'm asking for any size donation, anything even if it is a dollar would be wonderful. Thank you all so very much.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

And the winner of the frame is....

Using Random.org I got #3 and that is Michelle from Missing Juanito. Congrats Michelle. Please send me your Address to jasperthomas@live.com and if there is anything more that you would like to add that reminds you of your precious Juanito.

Thank you to all that entered. I liked reading what reminds you of your precious angels. Sorry I haven't been around to much lately things have been hectic around here. I will be writing again soon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

One year

First, I would like to thank everyone who entered My first blog giveaway. I have decided to keep it up another week so that more people can enter in the chance to get the frame. Everone who has not entered you may do so by following the link: My first blog giveaway

It has been one year since Jasper was born and passed away. I can't even believe I made it through last week. As it approached I felt like I would crumble to a million pieces and fly away and part of me wishes that I had. I never wanted this year mark to come. Well, I never wanted to to come without Jasper. I hate the fact that he is gone, I hate the fact that I have to go on without him, I just hate everything about this. The truth of the matter is, if my sister wasn't down here I probably would have went insane. Somehow her being down here, keeping me busy doing things kept me from going insane for sure.

On March 4th we went to Silver Springs state park to celebrate Jasper's birthday. We spent the day talking about Jasper, taking boat rides hearing about the history, and taking lots of pictures. My sister and I did buy Jasper some presents and put them on Jasper's Dresser.

On March 6th we did a lot on Jasper's Angelversary. We started out by going over to Rainbow Springs so that I can honor Jasper by taking photos of some Angel rocks by the waterfalls. We then went to the beach and did the balloon release and I wrote Jasper's name in the sand.

I just wish so bad that I would be writing how Jasper made a mess of his first birthday cake and how he reacted to his presents and there would have been way more then two. I know I will always wonder about the what-if's, what Jasper would be doing, and what he would look like. I wish people could understand that I didn't loose someone that I knew for a lifetime. I lost my child who I never got to know, and who I never got to see grow up.

Monday, March 1, 2010

My first blog giveaway

I really wanted to do this as a 100th post type thing, but I couldn't wait. So, I'm doing this because I have reached over 50 followers. When I started this blog I never thought that I would have so many people reading about Jasper's story and it was never my intention when I started this blog. I do want to say that I appreciate every single one of you for reading my story and helping me through my grief it means the world to me.

So getting to the point the giveaway. It is open to all baby lost mommy's and daddy's, if you follow my blog or not. So here it is: It is a collectable case frame.

Of course, the one I have for this giveaway has nothing on it. I just wanted to show off what I did with mine.

So, what I would like to know is three things animals, words, pretty much anything that remind you of your angel babie(s). I will be using those three things to get some stickers for the frame, not including the letters for your angels name(s). So leave me a comment on this post to enter.
I will be keeping this giveaway open until Monday March 8th.


This month has brought on a whole new meaning for me. Last year if someone would have asked me what does March mean to me? I would have said nothing. Oh, how I still wish that was the case. Now, if I was asked that same question. I would say that March means the birth and death of one of the most important person in my life and alway will be. I know associate March as one of the saddest months of the year. It will alway be the month when I celebrate the birth of my first born son and mourn his death.