It's been a while

First, I want to thank everyone who has donated to Jasper's walk for the March of Dimes so far. Thank you so very much.
My walk is in 29 days and I really want to reach my goal of $250. I really need your help.


It has been way to long since my last post. I have been so super busy that I didn’t have any time to write. Since my last post I have worked three 12 hour shifts in a row twice. If you ever worked 12 hour shift you know that the 12 hours that you are off in between shifts you don’t want to do much of anything, but sleep. In between that my dad came to Florida for a week and that was nice. We did a lot of fun stuff.

On the second day that my dad was here we went to dinner to pizza hut. Everything was going great until the waitress puts a family in the table next to us. When they were walking to the table I heard the baby crying and I froze. They put the baby practically right next to me, with him facing me and that is when I started to cry. It was so hard to even look at the baby, but when I did he stopped crying and he just kept starring at me. I didn’t think anything of this at first, but the whole time we were there he would not take his eyes off of me. Another baby lost mama had a similar experience and it got me thinking if babies do have some kind of sixth sense about things? Since that day I have been paying a lot more attention to this and I have noticed that whenever there is a baby close to me they tend to watch me.

There has been something that has been bugging me and it is about my job. I got a call from my boss on I think it was Feb 25th and she was told by some of my co-workers that on the 24th I was moody and crying. Yes, the weeks and days leading up to Jasper’s birthday and Angelversary left me a bit moody, but this particular day my patients were lets just say hard to handle. I was getting admissions left and right and a lot of my patience where incontinent. Anyway, I was in with a patient and she started flipping out on me. Just one of the joys of working the midnight shift with sun-downing patients. I walked out to the nurse’s station crying because I just get very emotional and the charge nurse asked me if I was OK. Being emotional I said “That I will never be OK.” I went to go help the patient after a few seconds and one of my co-workers came in and made me leave the room after I told her I would be OK, but she would not take no for an answer so I left and cried some more. To the point my boss calls me and tells me “I need to take time off.” I told her that I am (I had already put in to take the first week of March off). I told her I had one more day to work before that, but she wanted to give me that day off so I took it. She then continues to tell me that yelling at the patients is never good. I was like hold up, I never yelled at the patient and told her everything that really happened, but she didn’t believe me. She continued to tell me that I need to get help and talk to someone and that I need to just somehow “get over it.” Oh, how I hate those words! I wish people could understand that I will never get over the loss of my son. Someone who has never lost a child before will never get it.
I did try and talk to her again in person, but it was no use. She told me that some to my co-workers told her that I cry too much and she told me that if I need to cry I need to go into the bathroom and not cry at the nurse’s station. I’m at a loss about this. I’m just so flipping pissed off about this. If any of my co-workers are reading this that have a problem with me crying about the loss of my son. You need to grow the fuck up and grow a heart and if you have a damn problem with me grieving for my loss you come to me not our boss. COWARDS!

The other day at work I was tried a couple of different time and I have to say I did very well. I was working again in the ER again and two different cases with pg women and I didn’t cry. I almost did, but managed to stop myself. One of them I even had to take to OB and that was so hard to do, but I did it. Yay me!

A couple of thank you's I forgot to mention in Jasper's birthday and angelversary post is I recieved two beautiful pics of candles for Jasper.

Thank you susan:

Thank you Sandie:

And a few more thank you's to a few wonderful women who wrote my Jasper's name.

Thank you Laura for doing this for me.

Thank you Jaime for writing Jasper's name in the ice.

and thank you to Michelle who wrote Jasper's name in the snow and put it on my Waterfall Angels facebook page.