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Friday, November 27, 2009


I want to thank everyone for asking me questions. I really enjoyed doing this and hope to do it again sometime. Hopefully, one time getting Jonathan to answer some. I'm sure he will.

Anonymous asked
What made you choose the name Jasper Thomas?

Well, I have to be honest about the fact that I was reading the Twilight series at the time so part of it had to do with that, but I put alot of thought in what I would name my son or daughter. When we chose the name it was before we found out we where having a boy. I knew I didn't want to give him a common name I wanted it to be something special that 1,000's of other people have. I did some research and found out that Jasper was last common in the mid to late 1800's and that just about a few hundred people in the world right now is named Jasper. Thomas we got because Jonathan's dad my father in law is named Thomas and also my brother is named Thomas so it was a double plus. My father in law wanted to have a grandchild so bad and I just feel so terrible that I never had a chance to give him that and he passed away in Oct, 2007 so I thought it was fitting. If one day we get to have another son I will still give him the middle name Thomas for his Grandpa, his uncle, and for his big brother.

Bree asked
You and your hubby have been together almost as long as me and my hubby (14 years). We met in high school. Where did you two meet? What took you guys so long to get married? In our case, we were just young and waiting until we finished college. Sometimes I wish we would have started trying to have kids sooner. Heck, I'm gonna be 30 in two months. Also, if you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

We met on May 5, 1996. Earlier in the day my best friend at the time Lesely where leaving to go do something and when she realized she left something in the house she ran in to get it. When she came out she told me her ex-boyfriend called (not Jonathan) and wanted to come over later that night to catch up. She wanted me to meet him so I said I would be there. Anyway, Later that night we waited and waited when I decided to go home. I was about to walk out the door when her phone rang and it was him and said he would be there in less then 5 minutes. She begged me to wait so I did. He showed up and brought a friend and that friend is now my husband, but it was so funny how it all happened. You know Jonathan never even said one thing to me that night it wasn't til two days later that me and Les went to her ex's house and while they where doing "stuff" in another room Jonathan and I bonded while watching her baby. That's when he asked me out.

It took us so long to get married for several different reasons. We where so young. We didn't feel the need to rush into anything. We wanted to make sure that we could live together before getting married. We where also pretty scared, we broth grew up with divorced parents so we wanted to be absolutely sure. I wish we would have really tried to have a baby sooner as well, for the 14 years we have been together it's not like we played it safe the whole time though. When we where together for I think it was 4 or 5 years I went to get my annual done and I was concerned that we never got pregnant yet. We went over everthing and he said that I should go on Birth control for a while to regulate my periods. I was hesitant, but I did. He did tell me that I would get pregnant faster when I came off of them LOL! What a crock of S*#t. I have been off of them for 9 years. We "officially" stared ttc in Sept 2005 that is when I started temping, ovulation tests, pretty much the works. I was 27 when we started and now I'm 32. I thought for sure I would at least of had two babies by the time I was 30; was I ever wrong.

I would love to travel all over. first, starting in Greenland to Iceland, then going to the United Kingdom, from there going to Europe (all over), especially France, Italy, Then to Australia I would love to walk on Christian's beach.

Franchesca Cox asked
If you could be any place right now, where would it be? What things remind you of Jasper?

I really would like to be back in Chicago for good. I miss it there, it is where all my family is and I miss them so much. After losing Jasper it pains me to be away from my neice's and nephew's like I have missed out on being apart of their life and I will never get that back.

So many things remind me of Jasper. The ones nearest and dearest to my heart is His teddy bear, Butterflies, and Cardinals. I often get reminded of Jasper when I eat something like at this place called Charley's I would eat a chicken philly and while I would be eating it Jasper would kick so much I knew he loved what I was eating, or when I would listen to the Twilight soundtrack to and from work he would start moving around. Also, how he would start moving around the second I would fall asleep and wake me up. I miss that feeling of him alive and safe so much.

Mommato2miracles asked
I know this is so personal and i haven't been able to read your blog lately as my son has had MORE health issues (he is the one that I had SEVERE HELLP with) anyways what have you decided about the future and trying again to conceive? What research have you found about HELLP that leads you to those decisions? I am starting to think about a baby again, but it is so terrifying to think of, and to remember how sick I was, and how we both almost died, and how now my son has all these health issues. Just wondering what you are thinking about the future

Oh boy, have I ever thought about this. We are currently trying again because of my age we don't want to wait too long because it did take us 3 years to get Jasper, but I'm scared shitless. My experience with Pre-e and HELLP was touch and go. I did develop it early and was admitted to the hospital a week before I had my emergency c-section. During that week my B/P was up and down (mostly up), my labs where all over the place Liver enzymes going up and down, Platlet counts doing the same as well was the protein in my urine. When the pain started in my abdomen I didn't know what I should do because I had the pain before since about 17 weeks my pains started and all my levels where normal then so I was afraid that it was something like my gallbladder having attacks. Well, when the pain started my B/P was low, liver enzymes slightly elevated, and platlet counts where pretty close to normal, but the doctors where so afraid they kept telling me I could die so I agreed to the emergency c-section out of pure fear. The research I have done lead me to believe that there is a huge possibility of this happening again, but most likely occur later in the pregnancy. There is also a decent chance that it won't happen again at all. I wish you luck in what ever you decide. It is a hard choice.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Questions and Answers

I have been wanting to do this post for some time now. A post where everyone asks me questions it could be one, two, or five. You may ask any kind of question and I will answer all the questions in the next post.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Special thanks..

To Rikki for thinking of Jasper and writing his name on a precious rock and sending the picture to me. I can't express just how happy it makes me that so many think of my precious Jasper. Just know that I too think of all your angels and am trying to think of so special way to write all of your angels as well.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Special thank you..

To Holly at Caring for Carleigh for writing Jasper's name on a beautiful fall leaf.

I would also like to say sorry for being such an awful blogger and commenter. I am reading all of your blogs that I follow. I have been in such funk. My depression is back ten fold and am actually considering going on medication again. I'm going to wait until January to try see if I can get through thim myself and if not then everything goes on hold until I can "heal". I quoted the word heal because I'm not sure if anyone can ever trully heal from something like loosing a child.

I don't even know why I bother to get my hopes up each cycle. I thought for sure we timed it just right, but nope stupid witch showed up. I guess deep down inside I hoped everyone that told me that once you get pg it will be easier the next time where actually right for a change. Damn stupid infertility, YOU SUCK!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Grief and bitterness

I can't believe it has only been 8 months since Jasper was born and passed away it feels like it has been and eternity. My grief seems to keep getting worse as the time passes. Lately, I find myself getting so angry over the stuff I can't control. Like seeing pregnant women everywhere I go, it is really driving me insane and seeing babies that are around the age that Jasper should be right now. My latest is when I see Jasper's name, but someone elses baby I don't know I just feel like that is my son's name and no one else is aloud to use it. I know it is crazy, it just really hurts to see his name with a different babies face. I know this to shall pass
(I hope).

I just got back from Chicago, yet another trip I had to make without my son and it was the worst. I'm not saying it was a bad trip, but just my saddness that Jasper was not with us. I spent alot of time with my niece (Kimmy 7yo) and nephew (Andy 9yo). I always have fun when I am with them. I did learn though that my sister has never shown them a picture of Jasper and figured when I was ready I should show them. I did end up showing them a couple of pics of Jasper when he was still alive I figured they where to young to see the  ones when he was gone. I don't even think they really understood what they where looking at. I can't wait for the day that they can fully understand everything about there cousin Jasper.

While I was in Chicago I got my memorial tattoo for Jasper and I love how it turned out.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Another man's story

Thank you all who replied to my last post failure. I'm was in a bad way and still am. I thought this was supposed to get easier, but it's not. I wish my insurance never cut me off with counseling. For those who asked about Jasper's clothing drive the link is at the top of my blog. Just click on the pic of his little feet

Recently I met a man in his 60's and we got to talking. He asked me "if I was married?". My answer yes. "How long?" 6 years, but been together almost 14 years. Then for the dreaded question "Any kids?" Yes, but he is no longer with us. He asked me "How long has it been?" so I told him almost 8 months and here is where everyone starts saying "god has a plan" and "everything happens for a reason" bull shit. Nope, not him. He said "that he knows how I feel and the pain does get better." I told him that I hope so because this pain I feel hurts alot. Then he said "That he himself lost a son at 14 months old 40 years ago and continued to tell me his story about what happend to his son. His son was born with blue baby syndrome and at 12 months had the surgery and was getting better starting to get his normal color. Both he and his wife weren't paying attention for a couple of seconds and he fell out of his highchair ended up in the hospital because of it and passed away 6 days later. When he was telling me his story he started to cry so I grabbed his hand and we both cried. He told his story as if it happened yesterday. I guess the point of my story is the pain may lessen, but we will always remember.

I will be away in Chicago for the next week, so I won't be able to read.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Lately, I have been feeling like such a failure. It seems like I can't do anything right and I'm not talking about just having a baby that is just the biggest of all my failures. I mean that everything I seem to do I fail. Going back to school, I keep changing my mind and want to do something different. I also feel like I'm failing at even being a wife; even though my husband would disagree. I don't clean anymore, not since Jasper died. I keep the house free of garbage and all and tidy looking for the most part, but when it comes to dusting, vaccuuming, sweeping, mopping, Etc. well that is a loss cause. My recent failure is the clothing drive in memory of Jasper. I thought I did everything in my power to get the word out there, but it wasn't good enough. I still have not received one thing. I know there are a couple of people sending some stuff out soon and I know that I won't be giving the hospital the donations that I get until Jasper's first birthday, but I thought I would have gotten a couple of donations by now. I have posted signs where I was allowed, posted on numerous websites for baby loss, so I'm at a loss for words. I hate asking for help, but I think I need it. The hospital where Jasper was born knows there is a donation coming and I don't want to show up empty handed. The link for the clothing drive is on the top of my blog.

I made this for Jasper on facebook. In memory of Jasper Thomas