tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23863402423843165762024-03-14T00:53:34.023-04:00Jasper, Forever our First-BornTrying to live with Infertility
and the loss of our son.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.comBlogger129125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-23220267338050540382013-12-31T13:22:00.000-05:002013-12-31T13:22:32.366-05:00Poppy<span lang="EN">Imagine my surprise when Jon agreed to trying to have another baby. I mean how could he not? We make some beautiful babies, but that's besides the point. We just started trying in November and got the shock of our lives when we got pregnant on the first cycle. Yes, you read that right the first cycle! When it took us 4 years and 3 miscarriages to get Jasper and then another 2 years to get Samuel I would have been thrilled if we had another baby by the time I was 40. <br />
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At first I didn't even believe it. I didn't even miss my period yet and I was already so nauseated that I had to eat something almost all the time or had something to drink to try and keep it at bay. Some of my co-workers kept saying it, but I just thought they were crazy. There was absolutely no way that I could get pregnant so fast.<br />
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I finally got up enough courage to go get a test on December 13th. I went to the store to get the tests thinking what a waste of money it was because there was no way I was pregnant. I got home and peed on the darn stick and imagine my surprise when the line showed up right away. I was so beyond happy. I nicknamed my baby Poppy. <br />
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Everything was going great and I was eagerly waiting to see my Poppy's little heart beat. Little did I know that that would never happen. On the 21st I saw a very scant amount of blood. I got a little freaked out, but I had the very same thing with Samuel so I brushed it off. On the 22nd I had a little more and that is when I had some cramping on my left side and I even brushed that off until the 23rd when I had more blood. I called the OB's office told them about the cramping on my left side with the bleeding and they told me to get to the ER. I personally didn't believe it was ER worthy so I talked them into sending me to out patient diagnostics for an ultrasound and they agreed to it. <br />
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I got there and went in back with Jon and Samuel. I watched while she did the ultrasound on my belly knowing that it would be way to early to see anything that way. Next came the oh so pleasant dildo cam were I was unable to see anything and Jon was clueless as to what he was looking at. After all was said and done I was forced to wait in the lobby for someone to read the ultrasound to make sure Poppy was not ectopic. Minutes felt like hours until the tech came back out and said the Dr. that read the US wanted me to go to the ER for further tests because they found some free fluid in my left tube and they suspected an ectopic pregnancy. <br />
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As we walked to the ER for me to get signed in I was freaking out. My biggest fear was being rushed into an emergency surgery to remove my baby from my tube. A couple hours went by and it was time for Samuel to eat so I sent Jon home to feed him and hopefully let him get a nap. Soon after they left I was called back and put into a room. The nurse came in asked me some questions and left. I don't know how much time past when the Dr finally came in and told me one of the OB's came in to read the US and it was the corpus luteum cyst that burst and that I still had another one on my right side to sustain the pregnancy. I wanted to believe her and maybe some part of me tried to, but after I heard that the cyst burst I knew my little poppy was in danger. The corpus luteum cyst is what sustains the pregnancy with progesterone until the placenta can take over at about 8-9 weeks. I was only in week 5-6.<br />
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I left the ER and they told me to follow-up with my OB on Thursday the day after Christmas just to make sure everything was going alright. I had to switch days around at work so I could have Thursday off so I ended up having to work Christmas day. On Christmas eve I had a bit more bleeding and on Christmas day I started to miscarry my little poppy. It was confirmed with another blood test on Thursday. <br />
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I am just so damn mad that this happened. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? Not that I want it to happen to anyone else. Not that I want anyone else to have this pain. But I don't understand why my body has to fail me yet again! At least I can say now that I have moved from denial to the anger part of the grief process. </span>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-59574474703891898052013-04-24T22:48:00.000-04:002013-04-24T22:48:20.727-04:00Flashback to InnocenceTonight as I was giving Samuel a bath I gave myself a break from toddler radio and was listening to some 90's pop radio on Pandora. We where having a blast. I was singing and dancing around and Samuel was laughing. I was just happy that he was having so much fun, but then all of a sudden I was hit with a ton of emotion. There should be a 4 year old in the tub with Samuel. He should be laughing and getting up and dancing with me and maybe even trying to sing along.
I hate that it just hits me like this. In the most happy moments then....BAM! Slap across the face with the what should have beens. Then I start thinking back to the 90's when I was so innocent to this life. The life of a baby loss mommy and I miss those days. I am sad at the fact that for the rest of my life I will be plagued by the what should have beens. Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-87025184458770823972013-04-23T22:22:00.000-04:002013-04-23T22:23:34.996-04:00Worlds worst blogger....But you can't exactly blog when you have so much to say and just can't get it in writing. I am going to try and blog about one thing at a time instead of cramming it all into one post.
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The most important will come first and that is Samuel. Can you believe he is 15 months already? I sure can't. It feels like yesterday I had him. He is starting to get around pretty well now. Some of you may know, but for months now we have been struggling because he is so far behind his peers. We are now moving onto the next step which will be Early Intervention. We did go to occupational therapy, but our wonderful health care insurance (insert sarcasm here) only allowed 6 visits including the eval and if refusing to pay for any more. They wrote on his eval today that he is delayed in fine and gross motor skills and decreased motor planning skills so that is what we are working on. He passed vision and hearing. He just barely passed the speech so we will come back to that in 6 months to see how he is progressing with that. Our 6 month goals are for him to start crawling, pulling up to a standing position and hopefully take a few steps or I will be happy with 1 step, and for him to start using his hands to feed himself. It has also taken me some time and at times I still have to convince myself that his delay's are not my fault. I have done and am doing everything I can to get him back on the right track.
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I am trying to rely on the monkey see monkey do method and letting him go to daycare once a week to be around other babies. I am both excited and sad that he likes it so much that he doesn't even cry when I leave him with total strangers. I am hoping that it is not a red flag that he doesn't cry when I leave him and seems to be comfortable with strangers. I am also a little worried that he got so sick the first couple of times he went and it was to the point that I had to give him Antibiotics and I hated every last second I had to give it to him. Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-91224964299315133222012-09-24T19:30:00.001-04:002012-09-24T19:30:08.708-04:007 Months already?Seriously, How has it been 7 months? It feels like I had him yesterday. Adjusting to mommyhood to a baby here in my arms has been challenging to say the least. But no matter how hard and challenging these last 7 months have been it has been 100% worth it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel some sort of sadness that I never got to have any of this with Jasper or that Jasper and Samuel should be growing up together. What would their similarities be their differences be? These are just some of the questions that go through my mind on a daily basis and I guess over time it will get easier or at least less painful, but for now it is an on going battle.
Here is a couple of fun pics I took recently:
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7IsoPZYfOm0/UGDrpvcS-oI/AAAAAAAAB_k/i_tU3lembzo/s1600/36%2Bweeks%2Bin%2Band%2Bout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="381" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7IsoPZYfOm0/UGDrpvcS-oI/AAAAAAAAB_k/i_tU3lembzo/s400/36%2Bweeks%2Bin%2Band%2Bout.jpg" /></a>
2 days old and 7 months old
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QI1aTgfpBOs/UGDsPKGjezI/AAAAAAAAB_0/4fKQoDaVt3w/s1600/426266_10151147694434528_1949883786_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="400" width="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QI1aTgfpBOs/UGDsPKGjezI/AAAAAAAAB_0/4fKQoDaVt3w/s400/426266_10151147694434528_1949883786_n.jpg" /></a>
Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-19231175124801687022012-04-02T20:47:00.000-04:002012-04-02T20:47:50.553-04:00New and improved birth announcementFront:<br />
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Back:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qyRkgZUeuyw/T3pIaYA5cDI/AAAAAAAAB_Y/EUm-yBB9FpU/s1600/baback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="399" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qyRkgZUeuyw/T3pIaYA5cDI/AAAAAAAAB_Y/EUm-yBB9FpU/s400/baback.jpg" /></a></div>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-72476776364358563822012-03-20T22:11:00.001-04:002012-03-22T23:09:03.427-04:00Breastfeeding failureEver since I decided to start trying to have a baby I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to have that special kind of bond with my baby that you can't get when you feed with formula. I have absolutely nothing against formula feeding. I was formula fed, my sister and brother, my niece's and nephew's where all formula fed.<br />
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I have had over six years to fantasize about what I was going to do when I finally get that take home baby. For over six years I thought once I had my baby that he or she would be breastfed and when it doesn't work out the way you planned it doesn't only make you very sad, but depressed as well. <br />
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When they brought Samuel in for me to start breastfeeding I was very excited and ready to go for it. Samuel had other plans though and didn't want to eat, so we waited a little while longer to try again. A couple of hours passed he started fussing about so we took it as a que that he was getting hungry and wanted to eat. Again I put him to my breast and nothing except for crying. The nurse came over and was trying to help me latch Samuel on to my breast with no luck all he would do is scream bloody murder. We tried all types of techniques to try and get him to latch. Another couple of hours had passed and thought it was time to give it another shot, but the same thing happened he just screamed bloody murder and if he did manage to latch it was only for a few seconds before the screaming started. In the meantime between the feeding attempts the nurses where feeding him sugar water to keep his blood sugar up and kept telling me that he needs to feed. Yeah, like I didn't know that as if I was starving my poor child on purpose. The same routine played over and over throughout the night in the hospital and before I knew it 24 hours have passed and my poor baby still did not have any food. Between the stress of trying to get him to latch and the nurses constantly telling me he had to eat I had no choice and made the call to give him formula. <br />
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Over the next 6 weeks we kept trying and trying to get him to take the breast before he had the formula and every time with the same result of blood curtailing screams. I started to pump the day after I got home from the hospital. It took two days of pumping for my colostrum to start coming out and when it did I fed it to him with a syringe before he had his formula. I had tried everything from pumping until the milk started to come out then try and feed him to using a nipple shield to trick him into thinking it was a bottle. The nipple shield worked for five minutes once, so after all is said and done I got to feed my son for five wonderful minutes. There is not one minute of the day that I am not upset or even depressed that breastfeeding didn't work out. The what if's are constantly playing over and over in my head...What if he would have latched? What if I didn't give it enough time? I could go on and on. <br />
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The truth is I am happy that I gave breastfeeding a shot. I was able to give him all the colostrum and 2 ounces of breast milk a day until I ran dry. In the end it sucks that I couldn't do what I really wanted to do, but at least he is happy and healthy and in the end that is really all that matters.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-83529322541502192872012-03-06T18:56:00.000-05:002012-03-06T18:56:53.987-05:00Three years...It's been three years since Jasper passed away. I should have a three year old. Techinically he should be 3 in June because he was born 15 weeks early, but my body failed him and I'm still pissed about it. I miss him so much. It kills me every single day that he is not here, that he will never know his younger brother.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-67148463377565974612012-02-24T06:21:00.001-05:002012-02-24T06:21:39.911-05:00Stationery card<div class="sflyProductPreviewWidget" style="width:425px; height:494px;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetTop" style="height:6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/top.gif);"></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetCenter" style="height:482px; padding: 0 6px 0 6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/bg.gif); background-repeat:repeat-y;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewLogo" style="width: 105px; height: 34px; padding: 14px 0 0 14px;"><img src="http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/logo.gif" style="padding: 0; background: #ffffff; border: none; box-shadow: none;"></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewContainer" style="height:350px; text-align:center; padding: 0;"><a href="http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0UcuXDhm2aOYg&cid=SFLYOCWIDGET&eid=115"><img src="http://images-community.shutterfly.com/prs/v1/0UcuXDhm2aK/0UcuXDhm2aK5K/p/67b0de21b3127d902548/JPEG/1330082474000/0/" style="padding: 0; background: #ffffff; border: none; box-shadow: none;"></a></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewMessageContainer" style="height:55px; background-color:#f4f4e9; text-align:center; padding: 15px 0 15px 0; line-height: 19px;"><div class="sflyProductPreviewTitle" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 15px; color: #333333; font-weight: bold;"><span>Polka Dotted Boy Birth Announcement</span></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewSEOText" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 13px; color: #333333;"><span>Shutterfly has cute birth announcements and <a href="http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/valentines-day-cards-and-stationery" style="color: #6666cc;">Valentine's cards</a>.</span></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewViewCollection" style="font-family: arial, sans-seris; font-size: 13px; color: #333333;"><span>View the entire <a href="http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery" style="color: #6666cc;">collection</a> of cards.</span></div><img width="1" height="1" border="0" style="padding: 0; background: #ffffff; border: none; box-shadow: none;" src="https://os.shutterfly.com/b/ss/sflyshareprod/1/H.15/111?pageName=sharekey&c1=msc&c2=blogger" /></div></div><div class="sflyProductPreviewWidgetBottom" style="height:6px; background-image:url(http://cdn.staticsfly.com/img_/share/preview/msc/widget/bottom.gif);"></div></div>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-88796814954475515502012-02-05T17:25:00.001-05:002012-02-07T19:42:05.854-05:00A rainbow is bornOn Monday Jan 16th I went for my NST, Biophysical profile, and OB visit. The Biophysical profile went perfectly. The NST I was having some pretty strong contractions, but not regular which prompted my OB to check my cervix and it was 3cm and 90% effaced. I was told to get my butt straight over to L&D because I was only one day away from being 36 weeks. <br />
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Once I got to L&D I was hooked up to the monitor and continued to have irregular contractions some small some were pretty intense. After being there for about 4 hours and all the usual stuff was done IV, lab work, and being put on fluids to stop the contractions the OB checked my cervix again (oh my gosh I thought this guy was going to pull Samuel out the way he was digging up in there) and there was no change. But they decided to admit me overnight to observe Sammy and me because they wanted me to stay off my lovenox just in case I was in active labor and they had to do an emergency c-section. My Platelet counts where also down to 103 and they wanted to give my Brethine (Terb) to stop the contractions and it did for the most part. <br />
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At around 9 A.M. on Tuesday the OB came in and told me that he wasn’t comfortable sending me home unless he checked my cervix for any changes and asked if he (not the same one from the previous day) could check, so I said yes and it was 4 cm and still 90% effaced. That was it he made up his mind and said that we were going to have a baby today. <br />
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Everything happened so fast and I was scheduled for a noon time for my c-section. I was shaved, prepped and prepared for my spinal, and given that nasty medication. At noon they walked me to the OR my husband had to wait outside while I got my spinal. My poor husband heard me scream when he stuck the needle in for the spinal. When he got into the room everything was all set up and I was on the table. Shortly after I started to feel the pulling and tugging and it was super scary because I can only picture what they where doing because I knew what that was exactly. They told my husband to get his camera ready and at 12:22 we heard him start crying. My husband stood up and took a picture of Samuel coming out of me then they brought him around the curtain so I could see him and it brought tears to my eyes. That was the last thing I remember because the Anesthesiologist gave me something to knock me out. Samuel Thomas was born Jan 17th at 12:22 p.m. weighing 5 pounds 11 ounces and 19 ¼ inches long. <br />
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Just born<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LPmWl_BmZI0/Ty7x_Q2UeHI/AAAAAAAAB9s/C78EpYSBqLs/s1600/IMAG0329.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LPmWl_BmZI0/Ty7x_Q2UeHI/AAAAAAAAB9s/C78EpYSBqLs/s400/IMAG0329.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Going home outfit<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SHauXVQ8i5k/Ty7yNhxT7oI/AAAAAAAAB94/vnWPtm8wbxk/s1600/IMAG0351.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SHauXVQ8i5k/Ty7yNhxT7oI/AAAAAAAAB94/vnWPtm8wbxk/s400/IMAG0351.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<center><a href="http://www.widdlytinks.com/phototinks/"><img src="http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/2821/blackblue1171938870.jpg" border="0" height="450" width="400" alt="Birth Announcements"></a><br><a href="http://www.widdlytinks.com/phototinks/">Birth Announcements by WiddlyTinks.com</a></center>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-85612934790783217522012-02-05T17:18:00.000-05:002012-02-05T17:18:59.176-05:00Third trimester crazinessBefore I post Samuel's birth story I want to post a little more about my third trimester. Looking back on it now I would say that it wasn't all that bad, but I would be lying. Starting at around 30 weeks it all started. I was in L&D pretty much every two weeks for something. The first time was for some spotting which turned out to be nothing. The second time was for Samuel not passing his kick count. The third time was on Christmas night. I was at work and out of nowhere I started to feel very dizzy, lightheaded, and my heart was racing. I took my Blood pressure and it was 115/75 which is high for me. I sat down relaxed and the symptoms just got worse and so did my B/P it was 128/84 or something very close to that. I went down to the ER (I work in the hospital where I had Samuel) and yet again landed myself in L&D. Everything came back normal except my Platelet counts which dropped I can't remember the numbers, but I do remember they where below normal. The next time I landed myself in L&D was the day before I had Samuel. You can read about that when I post my birth story. <br />
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Here are a couple of pics from my 3D/4D ultrasound.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-teOLI_KJFvE/Ty73llg8ujI/AAAAAAAAB-E/gypiLz7s3SY/s1600/all%2Bsmiles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="318" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-teOLI_KJFvE/Ty73llg8ujI/AAAAAAAAB-E/gypiLz7s3SY/s400/all%2Bsmiles.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-spDRIZAnung/Ty73li2jeQI/AAAAAAAAB-Q/8udIaja66lc/s1600/eyes%2Band%2Bmouth%2Bopen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="324" width="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-spDRIZAnung/Ty73li2jeQI/AAAAAAAAB-Q/8udIaja66lc/s400/eyes%2Band%2Bmouth%2Bopen.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DSyfpHOaTt4/Ty73mGNlLdI/AAAAAAAAB-g/c-pHRaINH4I/s1600/foot%2Bhand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="347" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DSyfpHOaTt4/Ty73mGNlLdI/AAAAAAAAB-g/c-pHRaINH4I/s400/foot%2Bhand.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EIAZpL7_tOI/Ty73mu0QQAI/AAAAAAAAB-o/4SitsWLzYVM/s1600/Just%2Bleave%2Bme%2Balone%2BI%2Bwant%2Bto%2Bsleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="301" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EIAZpL7_tOI/Ty73mu0QQAI/AAAAAAAAB-o/4SitsWLzYVM/s400/Just%2Bleave%2Bme%2Balone%2BI%2Bwant%2Bto%2Bsleep.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UGeXwLIjdMU/Ty73m7kHE3I/AAAAAAAAB-w/wZhNsXnSLQE/s1600/Yep%2BI%2Bgot%2Bmy%2Bdaddies%2Bnose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="337" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UGeXwLIjdMU/Ty73m7kHE3I/AAAAAAAAB-w/wZhNsXnSLQE/s400/Yep%2BI%2Bgot%2Bmy%2Bdaddies%2Bnose.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I wanted to post the pics from my maternity shoot that I had done on Dec 17th, but for some reason I have not received them yet. Here is a picture that Jonathan took of me two days before I gave birth.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DFi-BOu4eEQ/Ty8AEQJbZfI/AAAAAAAAB_A/pkxtu9es3lk/s1600/IMAG0326.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="239" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DFi-BOu4eEQ/Ty8AEQJbZfI/AAAAAAAAB_A/pkxtu9es3lk/s400/IMAG0326.jpg" /></a></div>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-9372099249278209972011-11-29T04:34:00.000-05:002011-11-29T04:34:28.706-05:00Third TrimesterAnother amazing milestone! Well, I have been in the 3rd trimester for a week now and it's so surreal. Everything seems to be going great and still no symptoms of preeclampsia or HELLP. I am just so grateful for each day, for every kick/movement, and for each and every normal pregnancy pain even though people may think that my talking about each and every one is a complaint, it’s not. I just love being able to express every single moment.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-38529766911455514692011-11-16T23:04:00.000-05:002011-11-16T23:04:55.754-05:00Long time againIt has been such a long time I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know why I wait so long to update my blog. I love writing here it helps a lot with getting out everything that I keep bottled inside and that is something I tend to do very well. <br />
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I think I have been avoiding my blog because I have been so afraid to post something here in fear that I would upset someone. I know most of you can just guess what I am going to post next based on that statement. I found out on June 7th that I am expecting my rainbow baby on Feb 14, 2012. We where actually super surprised I honestly thought I would never get pregnant ever again, but after 22 months and 1 day of trying for our rainbow we finally got our BFP. <br />
<br />
We have had our ups and downs throughout the past 27 weeks. The first trimester consisted of fear of having a miscarriage, morning sickness or in my case 24/7 nausea, and just keeping my fingers crossed that my baby was growing as he should. The second trimester which will officially be over with on Nov 21st was a bit more nerve racking. Until I could feel movement I at least had my Doppler to keep my mind at ease. On Sept 21st we found out we where going to have another boy I was so happy I cried and still cry for hours. I would have been absolutely thrilled if I was having a girl, but just being able to give this baby Jasper’s middle name as my rainbow’s middle name makes me feel like Jasper is somehow looking out for his baby brother in some cosmic way. My rainbow’s name will be Samuel Thomas Goldthorpe. <br />
<br />
I do get a lot of moments where I am so sad that Jasper doesn’t get to share in this experience with us. I am sure he would have been so happy to be a big brother to his little brother. I would have loved to see his expression when he found out that he was going to have a little brother or being able to feel/see my belly move. I am only left to wonder with what should have been. <br />
<br />
I can’t help but to brag that Samuel has been doing so well. At his big/gender ultrasound at 19 weeks everything looked absolutely perfect and was measuring 11 ounces which was quit a bit more than his big brother at that time. He even took a little moment to laugh at me for being so worried. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dWw72R3JcTg/TsSEQKFxmbI/AAAAAAAAB70/RLjU8PB0sWw/s1600/19%2Bweeks%2B1%2Bday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dWw72R3JcTg/TsSEQKFxmbI/AAAAAAAAB70/RLjU8PB0sWw/s400/19%2Bweeks%2B1%2Bday.jpg" /></a></div><br />
His second growth ultrasound at 24 weeks was absolutely amazing. I was so worried going to this one because I was so afraid that he wasn’t gaining any weight. With Jasper he only gained about 2 ounces every two weeks, so of course I was freaked out. Samuel not only gained weight, but he surpassed his big brother’s weight by 11 ounces by weighing in at 1 pound 8 ounces and in the 44th percentile. Jasper only weighed 13.2 ounces when I had my emergency c-section at 25 weeks so this was a huge milestone.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nlj5GhjjUlI/TsSEoawLB3I/AAAAAAAAB8A/IKEpwo0r6KE/s1600/24%2Bweeks%2B1%2Bday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nlj5GhjjUlI/TsSEoawLB3I/AAAAAAAAB8A/IKEpwo0r6KE/s400/24%2Bweeks%2B1%2Bday.jpg" /></a></div><br />
The next milestone came a week later when I passed 25 weeks. I don’t even know how it happened, but I scheduled an appt with the exact same doctor on the exact same day gestation (24 weeks) that I was admitted into the hospital with Jasper. My wonderful husband Jonathan just had to get a picture just like we did with Jasper that day.<br />
This first picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Jasper at the Dr's appt.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4XYFgfaCEY4/TsSGLSmuruI/AAAAAAAAB8k/yntsybt99GI/s1600/24w.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4XYFgfaCEY4/TsSGLSmuruI/AAAAAAAAB8k/yntsybt99GI/s400/24w.jpg" /></a></div><br />
This second picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Samuel at the same Dr's office.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U2dEnTDBfg0/TsSGTl1EuhI/AAAAAAAAB8w/pQYIRk-cLEk/s1600/24%2Bweeks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U2dEnTDBfg0/TsSGTl1EuhI/AAAAAAAAB8w/pQYIRk-cLEk/s400/24%2Bweeks.jpg" /></a></div><br />
His third growth ultrasound was just today and I am pleased to announce that he is weighing in at a wonderful 2 pounds 8 ounces and in the 68th percentile. I am also happy to report that I passed my glucose test and have absolutely no signs or Pre-eclampsia or HELLP. I am one happy mommy. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s-HtfBCff_s/TsSGuDgfBDI/AAAAAAAAB88/GhgZBe9qsXY/s1600/27%2Bweeks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s-HtfBCff_s/TsSGuDgfBDI/AAAAAAAAB88/GhgZBe9qsXY/s400/27%2Bweeks.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SMxpSm0U6Gw/TsSGz45aL3I/AAAAAAAAB9I/GBIZXv61tcI/s1600/27%2Bweeks%2Bfoot%2Bon%2Bhead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="239" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SMxpSm0U6Gw/TsSGz45aL3I/AAAAAAAAB9I/GBIZXv61tcI/s400/27%2Bweeks%2Bfoot%2Bon%2Bhead.jpg" /></a></div>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-82229657515599333772011-05-27T23:10:00.000-04:002011-05-27T23:10:30.960-04:00Just a short version of catch-upIt didn't mean for it to be this long before I posted again, but I can't seem to write down what I am feeling. I'm still not sure if I can, so all I can do is try.<br />
<br />
I go through my days in a foggy haze of depression. I don't ever feel like doing anything except for reading and playing my facebook games. I do manage every once in a while to do other things besides going to work because I have to do that. I would go back or I need to go back on Prozac, but that would put an end to TTC a brother or sister for Jasper. Jonathan refuses to TTC while I am on that becasue of the potential risk of birth defects. I don't blame him I honestly thought we would have another baby by now. But we haven't even had so much of a glimmer of anything despite the perfect timing and all. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder why Jonathan even stays with me. He doesn't deserve having a wife that can't give him what he wants (a child). I have talked to him about it, but he gets all mad saying that I shouldn't say something so stupid that if "You can't have a child neither can I." If it where reversed and he was the one with the issue I would never be able to leave him over it. I just wish......I just wish I was "normal".<br />
<br />
I never did come here and write down about Jasper's birthday and Angelversary this year. We didn't really do to much this year. The only thing that made this year super special is that my mom got to come down to Florida this year and spent the first two weeks of March with us. I was able to make Jasper's bear this year at Build-A-Bear. I wasn't able to do it on his Birthday, but I was able to make his bear a few weeks ago. We live in a very small area and the nearest Build-A-Bear is 50 miles away.<br />
<br />
Well, my SIL and BIL had their daugher in March and I couldn't care less. Yes, this is the same SIL and BIL who said that we lost Jasper because we are not Christian or that he would have been evil. Ever since that day I have not spoken to them at all and truthfully never want to again. I told Jonathan it was up to him if he wanted to continue speaking to his brother I would never ever get in between them. But I do not want anything to do with either of them. Some people would say that I am being childish and maybe on some level I am, but I don't care. I will choose who I want in my life and I don't want them in it for many reasons not just the ones I have said and I won't bore you with the rest of the story.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-52026370134120735052011-02-14T01:13:00.000-05:002011-02-14T01:13:22.875-05:00For the love of vampire booksPeople are always asking me why I am always reading about vampires so I will do my best to try and explain my new found love of vampire stories. I used to read before I got pregnant with Jasper, but definitely not like I do now. Before Jasper I would only read maybe two or three books a year and it would be all types of books. Some love stories, murder mystery, and horror type like Stephen King novels. I can remember the day it all changed for me. It was about three weeks after Jasper died. I was still very sore from the c-section so my wonderful husband insisted on putting me in a wheelchair and carting me around Wal-Mart at 3 o’clock in the morning just so that I wouldn’t have to encounter any babies or pregnant women. That one particular night Jonathan wanted to look at the magazines so I decided to look at the books and that is where I found the books that in a sense changed and possibly saved my life. Those books where the Night World Series by L.J. Smith. When I say that these books saved my life I mean it literally. During those first weeks of losing my son I had thoughts of just ending my life and somehow these books helped me. When I began reading them it was like I was transported into another world as I was reading I became those characters. When I was reading I became so engrossed in the story that I stopped thinking about the pain and the sadness of losing my son. Vampires are the furthest thing from reality that you can possibly read about and that is what I need. I needed to find a way to escape the heartache and I found it. In the past 23 months 1 week and 1 day that Jasper has been gone I have read about 100 books. Yes! You read that right it is close to 100 books in almost 24 months.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-50443043676252368912010-11-16T03:39:00.000-05:002010-11-16T03:39:25.520-05:00The perfect infertility songAlright! There should be absolutely in no way be a "perfect" infertility song, but this song explains exactly how I feel about this disease that plagues my life. <br />
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<object style="background-image:url(http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/fq7alWhSs4Y/hqdefault.jpg)" width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fq7alWhSs4Y?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fq7alWhSs4Y?fs=1&hl=en_US" width="425" height="344" allowScriptAccess="never" allowFullScreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-9078505600382422832010-11-09T01:32:00.001-05:002010-11-09T01:35:25.297-05:00My answer to question #6Thank you to everyone who has asked me a question. <br />
<br />
<b>Jamie from <a href="http://definingme-ramblingsofaneurotic.blogspot.com/">Week by Week</a> asked me:<br />
</b><blockquote>“Alright Lisa I have a 3-parter for you.<br />
<br />
1) In what way do you feel you changed the most since Jasper? How do you compare to the pre-Jasper's-pregnancy Lisa?<br />
<br />
2) If you could be any animal what would it be and why<br />
<br />
3) finally, do you dig purses or shoes more... or :gasp: both!”<br />
</blockquote>1) The way I changed to most since Jasper is that I’m more open with my grief. I concealed the grief I felt when I had the three miscarriages. I didn’t tell anybody that I even had the last two I just kept it to myself. I realize now how unbelievably unhealthy that was. <br />
Pre-Jasper’s-pregnancy Lisa was very willing to go through anything in order to get pregnant. I did countless tests (HSG, Uterine Biopsy, blood work, HSC, ultrasounds) the list continues.<br />
Now, I’m so afraid at the thought of losing another baby that I figure if I get pregnant then so be it. I’m still trying, but the thought of going through all those tests again just saddens me. <br />
<br />
2) I would be an Orca. I love them. I would love to be free to swim through the oceans without a care in the world.<br />
<br />
3) I would always pick bags over shoes in a micro-second.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-81174269495242192332010-11-09T01:26:00.001-05:002010-11-09T01:35:06.365-05:00My answer to question #5<b>Lisette from <a href="http://lisette-samisblog.blogspot.com/">Learning To Breathe Again</a> Asked:<br />
</b><br />
<blockquote>“Being a loss parent is not easy, how have you and Jonathan grown from this experience?”<br />
</blockquote>This is by far the hardest question I have to answer. I honestly never gave it much thought before. We have grown in many different ways. One of the biggest ways we have grown is that we are closer then we ever where before. We have learned to deal with our grief separate as well as together. I’m sure the more I think about this question the more I will be able to come up with.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-78564083521819189282010-11-09T01:16:00.001-05:002010-11-09T01:34:42.121-05:00My answer to question #4<b>Erin from FF asked me:<br />
</b><blockquote>“Hi Lisa, I was wondering how you are doing? I lost my subscription to FF and wanted to say hello to you. Erin (otee)” <br />
</blockquote>Erin I’m go glad you are stopping by my blog. I have since answered your question on FF since you reenacted your subscription to FF. I have since put my subscription on hold because it is all just becoming too much for me at this time. It just seems like every time I turn around more and more people on there are getting their BFP’s and I keep getting BFN’s. I know! It is silly or just plain stupid of me to even think something like that because it is in fact a fertility sight. It just gets even harder when I see someone that was in my June 2009 DD group already on their 2nd. Other then that I’m doing fine I’m finally down to my pregnancy weight. It only took 19 months. We are still trying for baby number 2, but I’m definitely not all gung-ho like I was before Jasper. I hope to soon get over myself and take my account off hold because even after just two days I feel like I’m missing so much.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-49978059076345028052010-10-20T21:32:00.001-04:002010-11-08T23:39:14.611-05:00My answer to question #3First, I would like to say Thank you to Sarita for asking me a question. I’m sorry I forgot to thank you in the post that I answered your question in.<br />
<br />
<b>Holly from <a href="http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/">Caring for Carleigh</a> asked me:<br />
</b><blockquote>“Do you and your hubby have any big plans for this next year?” <br />
</blockquote>The only big plans that I have absolutely made so far is to take a road trip up to Chicago to see my family. The only other plans that I do have is to hopefully get pregnant and bring home a live and healthy baby, but I guess that is more of a goal. I almost forgot I do have another plan and that is to start cosmetology school. I did plan on starting this year, but I was too late for the class and it was already full.<br />
<br />
Thank you, Holly for asking me a question.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-30160114395203318982010-10-19T22:19:00.002-04:002010-11-08T23:36:17.964-05:00My answer to question #2I didn’t forget to answer the rest of the questions. I guess I’m just hoping that the longer I stall then maybe I will get more questions to answer. If you would still like to ask me a question you still can. You can put you question in the comment section below.<br />
<br />
<b>Sarita from <a href="http://ourperfectrose.blogspot.com/">One Perfect Rose</a> asked me:<br />
</b><blockquote><br />
“Has Jasper sent you any signs? I know some people see butterflies, ladybugs, etc, that remind them of their babies. Some people find pennies that they believe are sent by their loved ones.”<br />
</blockquote>Yes, I did get what I believe on some kind of level to be a sign from Jasper. I’m sure everyone or most of you know that I am an Atheist and don’t believe in spirits or an afterlife, but I did have a very interesting experience with a cardinal that makes me want to believe it was Jasper stopping by to say hello to his mommy.<br />
It was not too soon after I started going back to work after my 6 weeks of leave to recover from my C-section. On this day I got to work early so I decided to sit in my car and read until it was time to go in. As I was reading I noticed some movement right in front of me and looked up to see a female Cardinal standing on my windshield wiper and just looking at me. I kept watching her and all of a sudden she was pecking at my window and I just let her do it. I didn’t have the heart to make her go away and it wasn’t like she was hurting the window or in danger of breaking it. This continued for a couple of minutes and then she just flew off. I was just so happy for the rest of that day. You can read the original post I made about it <a href="http://jasperthomas.blogspot.com/2009/06/jaspers-sweet-hello-to-his-mommy.html">here</a>.<br />
I know there are probably a dozen logical explanations as to why she was pecking at my windshield. A heart believes what it wants to believe and I want to believe that it was my Jasper coming to say “Hi, Mommy.”Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-11032169334589360712010-10-10T23:18:00.000-04:002010-10-10T23:18:33.230-04:00My answer to question #1I will be answering each question one by one in separate posts. If you still want to ask me a question please feel free to ask away. You can post your question in the comment section of this post or on the original post <a href="http://jasperthomas.blogspot.com/2010/09/questions-and-answers.html">here</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>Sarah from <a href="http://mythoughtsmyworld-heartness1.blogspot.com/">My thoughts, my world</a> asked me:<br />
</b><br />
<blockquote>“Hey Sweetie I hope this question doesn’t make you upset or anything, though its one that I seem to ask a lot of baby lost mum's<br />
<br />
If you could say one thing to another angel mum to help ease their pain what would if be and why?”</blockquote><br />
Sarah, I first wanted to say that this question did not upset me at all. This is a really good question and has left me thinking for days. <br />
<br />
After days of thinking about this and thinking about what I would want said to me. I don’t think there is any one thing you can say to a baby lost mom to help ease their pain. The only thing that makes sense and that comes to mind is “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You are not alone.” <br />
<br />
After losing Jasper I have known two people that I worked with that have lost a baby later in pregnancy and both of them where very different then most of the other baby lost mothers I have ever met. These women were very personal in their tragedy and didn’t want to talk about their babies or the grief they felt so I respected that. I just let them know if they ever needed to talk I was there to listen whenever they needed. <br />
<br />
Thank you Sarah for asking me a question.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-31346121035476781752010-09-30T21:22:00.001-04:002010-09-30T21:23:53.510-04:00Questions and AnswersIt has been a while since I have done a questions and answers post so here it goes. You can ask me any type of question that you want. It can be personal, about Jasper or baby loss, or Infertility and I will answer them. Just type your question or questions in the comment section below.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-13887664873038280212010-09-25T04:20:00.000-04:002010-09-25T04:20:12.283-04:00Everything happens for a reason...I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-37651048606691245002010-09-06T23:24:00.000-04:002010-09-06T23:24:43.151-04:0018 months...First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.<br />
<br />
I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born. <br />
<br />
I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.<br />
<br />
A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.<br />
<br />
Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2386340242384316576.post-37239232181664580602010-08-21T03:40:00.000-04:002010-08-21T03:40:12.270-04:00Broken RecordI know I haven't been blogging that much, but I just hate sounding like a broken record all the time. It seems like every time I blog it is always the same stuff. Once I would just like to come here and blog about some good news. I wish that time is now, but unfortunately it's not. <br />
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I thought for sure last cycle was it. I was so sure that I was going to get a BFP that when I tested and got a BFN I was in shock. I really thought it was a bunk test so I retested two days later and it was a BFN. I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen soon that it will be next cycle, but how many cycles do I have to go through already. I'm not a patient person never have never will be.<br />
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It has been almost 18 months since this nightmare started and I still wonder if I had refused to let them take Jasper when they did. What would have happened? They claim I would have died if they didn't get him out when they did, but I will never know if that is true or not. I'm still very skeptical about it and I guess I always will be. I wonder if the doctors where just trying to avoid a law suit or where they really acting in my best interest. <br />
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I hope to one day post something positive.Lisa and Jonathanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07397367920807045315noreply@blogger.com6