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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Not ready

I thought I was ready for this year to be over, but the truth is I'm more afraid of next year. I don't want it to be March again. I don't want it to be a year since I met Jasper and had to give him up. I don't want to spend this new year or any without my son. I'm forced to and I hate that more then anything in this world.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Well, My chances for ever getting pregnant in 2009 is officially over. I'm wondering if it will ever happen again. I feel as if though somehow that me getting pregnant with Jasper was some sort of fluke. Maybe not the fact that I got pregnant with him just the fact that he was a sticky little bean. I guess after having 3 miscarriages that will do that to ya.

I'm actually kind of relieved that this year is almost over. It was in fact the worst year of my life ever. While I was in the mall I couldn't help, but to watch all those happy families getting ready for their holiday. I also couldn't help being so sickly jealous of them and how they probably don't even realize just how lucky they are.

I would like to let everyone know that I have been reading everyone that I follow even if I don't post a comment I have had severe writers block recently I just don't know what to say without sounding like a broken record. I also have a surprise, I came up with how I want to write all of our angels names, but I'm keeping it a secret until I start to do them which will be real soon.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


I have been trying to write this post for weeks now, but just can not seem to figure out what I want to say. I'm sorry in advance if this post seems a bit jumbled, it is because I am. For the past couple of months I don't even feel like myself. It is like I'm a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get back. I have been depressed and mad about everything that has happened over the last 9 months that I don't stop thinking about it, ever, I just want everything that has happened to disappear, I want my son here with me now. I know in my heart that it is impossible. Everywhere I go I have constant reminders that my son is gone. I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I go, even at home on my computer screen. There is really nothing I can do about the outside world, but just now as I am writing this I realized I need to stay away from anything pregnancy/baby realted at home for a while. I'm hoping that it helps, I'm hoping I can find myself again.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Do you ever have one of those moments where you are doing something normal and then all of a sudden a thought pops in your head about your angel baby and how he/she would react?
That happened to me while driving home from work today. I was in my car listening to some music and was singing a song being all goofy dancing around in my seat and the thought of Jasper laughing at his mommy for being so goofy. The tears just started and there was no way to stop them. It is so hard to imagine that I will never get to have moments like that with Jasper.