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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One year ago today...

... at approx. 12:30 p.m. Eastern time. I got my first positive pregnancy test with Jasper at 9dpo. I miss the excitment and panic of that day and the 6 and a half months that followed.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

I made a slide show of my pregnancy with Jasper


Happy birthday our first angel

Happy Birthday my precious first angel! Today you would have been 2 years old. You where with us for such a short time, you grew in mommy’s belly for 5w 6d and today Sept 26th was your estimated due date. We will always reflect on this day as if it is your birthday and wonder what you would have been like and who you would have looked like. I believe in my heart that you where a girl and would have looked just like me, just as I looked like your nannie. We will always miss you our sweet little angel.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

I'm pissed, I hate insurance companies

Well, I got a call the other day from my counselor and my stupid insurance will not pay for anymore counseling for me. According to DR. D my insurance will pay for only 12 visits a year. WHAT? I'm so fucking pissed off right now I feel like moving anywhere just to get out of the states. I don't have the money to just pay for it $80a week or even every other week for that matter. How could they do this to me? Counseling was really helping me. I need it now more then ever, I'm coming of Prozac right now and at a very critical state in my recovery and grieving process. I would go to a group support, but the don't have any close to me and once a month is not enough I need the one on one support. I'm so sick of it all the insurance companies care about is the fucking money and the the people they insure and their well being. I pay them all this money for what? To be charged an arm and a leg anyway.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Thank you's and Emotions

I want to thank Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for making this beautiful collage for us, we will cherish it forever.

I would also like to thank Sarah at Say it with flowers for writing Jasper's name on a flower. I was finally able to purchase my wonderful picture so I can share it with all of you. I would also like to mention that Jasper's name being on a tulip brings a special memory because tulips just happens to be Jasper's great-grandpa's favorite flower and had them planted in his garden and the tiger lily next to it happens to be one of my favorites.

I can't believe the roller coaster of emotions I have been having since I have decided to come off of Prozac. It almost feels like I've been paused in time and now my life is starting to play again in slow motion. It will take about a month for it all to leave my system. I wish I never started taking it, but the only reason why I had to, is because I was forced to go back to work too soon. I will continually have to keep reminding myself that I don’t want to go back to the way I was before I had to start. Before the Prozac my poor Jonathan had to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming, I never wanted to leave my house ever again. It was even worse when I saw a pregnant women or a baby. I would freak out, runaway and cry. Now, when I see a pregnant woman or baby it feels like I got punched in the gut a few times. I don’t have that urge to run any more or at least if I do; I don’t. I’m so glad Jonathan never gave up on me. I would be a mess without him.

Well, I’m officially in the TWW (two week wait). I really don’t think we will end up pregnant this cycle, but you never know. If we did end up pregnant in this cycle it would be to close to Jasper’s due date and I would be worried OH, 95% of the time, not that I wouldn’t be anyway if we got pregnant a couple of months from now. When my next cycle starts that is when I start doing everything again, by everything I mean temperatures every day, I bought those new fertility tests that First Response has that you do on day 3 of your cycle to see if you have a good egg reserve, ovulation tests, and then when it is time a pregnancy test or two or three. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already I’m a POAS-aholic (POAS = pee on a stick).


Friday, September 18, 2009

My special reminder of Jasper

Danielle at Letting go and letting god posted I'm posting a MckLinky up at the bottom of this post, and would love if you could write a post that introduces a special stuffed animal, blanket, or even something random that makes you think about your baby. Even if you haven't lost a baby you are welcome to participate. If you have other children living and would like to include what makes you think of them, I would love to read about it.

The one thing that reminds me most of Jasper is his teddy bear. I didn't get his teddy bear until after he had already passed away, but it was the thought that counts the most. I was supposed to get him his teddy bear the day I was admitted into the hospital.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

A visit from my 4 angels

Tuesday Jonathan and I came home from the mall and our across the street neighbors have this really pretty bottle brush tree in their front yard. Well, as we where driving up our driveway I noticed some yellow butterflies flying around this tree. I immediately ran to the tree to watch them and noticed there was 4 of them one for each of my precious angels. This was the best picture of them I could get. Oh, How I miss each of them so much. It makes me so happy to know that they are all together.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The day of Feb 26, 2009

Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful comments. I no longer feel selfish or bad in any way. She did say she was sorry that she kept rambeling on about her daughter and I told her not to be; that she had no way of knowing about my precious son.

I've been thinking alot lately about Feb 26, 2009. That was the day I was admitted into the hospital. I had an appointment an hour away from my house in Gaineseville, Fl. I should have never went. I should have stayed closer to home, just a few day earlier I was in OB because of contractions due to a UTI that I didn't know I had. I will rewind a little bit to that night. I was at home and started having pain in the upper abdomen that would tighten my whole belly, so off to L & D we go. I was taken upstairs, told to pee in a cup, and got put on the monitor. 20 minutes go by a nurse finally walks in tells me I'm having contractions every 5 minutes, I have a UTI, I have protien in my urine, and my BP is super high. 180's over 90's. I was given my first dose of Procardia to stop the contractions and I asked about the risk of Pre-eclampsia I've been doing my reading. She then began to reassure me that the protien and the BP was probably due to the contractions. She is an OB nurse of course I'm going to believe her. After 4 doses of the Procardia contracions have stopped and my BP is finally normal. The only thing that is reassuring me is my active little boy, his heart rate is staying strong and normal and he wouldn't stop trying to kick the monitor off. It was so funny to watch him try though. A few hours go by and my OB comes in says the contractions have stopped and I could go home. She asked me if I wanted a script for the Procardia to take at home and stupid me told her no, because it made me feel like crap. I was very surprised that she didn't do a cervical check or another pee test to check for protien. I even asked her about it and she wasn't worried. She is the OB so I believe her.

Back to Feb 26th. I had an appointment with Dr. L my Hematologist because I do have Factor V and was on Lovenox. I figured this is an appt I shouldn't miss so I went. This was also the day I was going to go to Build a Bear and make Jasper's bear. Anyway, this was very different then the other appts that I have had there. We waited for Dr. L for a long time before he came in. They kept telling us he was waiting on my blood work to come back. When he came in he looked very concerned, he told me I would have to go to the hospital to be evaluated over night because my platlet counts where low and my liver enzymes where high on top of my BP being 130's over 80's. He said I might have Pre-eclampsia and that going to the hospital to be evaluated was the only way to know for sure. So, I went to the hospital after alot of trying to get out of it. I already wrote the next part of the story you can read it here Jasper's birth story.

It makes me so freaking mad that my OB didn't look into anything further when I was in L & D. I don't understand her logic for not doing so. I know she is the only OB in that hospital, but if she is so overworked that she can't do her job she should hire another OB for her practice. I will be looking for a new OB, but the problem is I live in a small county and have to travel to go anywhere else because the other practice in the county is crap as well.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Feeling bad about being selfish

I did something unintentional last night at work and now I feel so bad. I worked on a different floor last night and one of the girls just got off of maternity leave and was talking about her daughter all the time. I really didn't care about it I just tuned her out like I usually do. Well, working at night we usually just bring our food to the nurses station and eat there; so that is what I did and I pulled out the recent book that I'm reading and I have a bookmark that I made with a pic of Jasper, his footprints, and his name in the sand. I meant to put my bookmark upside down, but I didn't and she saw it and started asking questions so I explained what happened to Jasper. From then on out she didn't mention her daughter at all. I know she was being nice and respectful to my feelings, but I should have said something. I was being selfish and now I feel like crap.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Jasper's urn

Yesterday was a very sad day. We got Jasper's urn and put him in his final resting spot. I really love how it turned out, it is perfect. A huge part of me is so mad about myself for likeing how it turned out so much. I don't want my son to be in there. I want him home with me in his crib, crying for me to pick him up.
Here are the picture of my precious Jasper's final resting place.

This is the front:

This is the top:

This is the right:

This is the left:


Friday, September 11, 2009

On the road back from zombieville

First, I want to give a special thanks to Debby at For your tears for sending me this precious handkerchief. I will cherish it forever.

We finally got a call today that Jasper's urn in finally ready. I don't know why I'm so afraid to go get it. To finally put Jasper in his final resting place crushes my heart. I don't want to, but I know I have to. So very sad.

The time has finally come for me to start weaning myself off of Prozac and it is about time I had the courage to do it. I start the lower dosage tomorrow and I can't wait to be free from zombie land. Jonathan is really worried about it he thinks that I'm going to retreat back into a severe depression state where I won't want to leave my house again and he thinks I will get very moody. I hope he is wrong and I can pull through this without retreating or being moody.

I'm still trying to decide if I should start trying again this cycle or next. I want to start this cycle, but then if by some miracle I get pregnant with a sticky bean I would be due in June again and I don't know if I have the nerves to be able to handle that.

I started another blog this one is called From the Sky to the Ground it is pictures that I have taken and the meaning behind them. If you decide to look at it I hope you enjoy.


Monday, September 7, 2009

Six months, but it feels like an eternity

It's hard to believe that it has only been six months when it feels like an eternity.
I can never understand why it feels like it has been so long when it has only been such a short time? I shut down this weekend or at least I let my mind and body shut down. I couldn't let myself deal with this so I slept practically straight through the weekend. I did allow myself to get up and do some things, but I was miserable and still am. Remembering everything that happened March 4th to the 6th brings up so much pain. I just don't want to believe that it happened. When the nurse rushed in my room and told us to get to the NICU was the worst moment in my life. Watching them working on my son trying to bring him back, I can't even explain how that felt it was so horrible. I have seen all of this before working in the hospital, but on older people that it is pretty much there time to go. It was not my son's time, not yet he was not supposed to leave us so soon. I know he was still fighting even though we made the decision to take him off life support and what will always haunt me to know that every time I spoke to my son as I held him is that his heart rate would rise and I knew he was hearing his Mommy. Mommy will always love and miss you my precious Jasper.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Sad week

This has been quit a sad week. On Monday I found out one of my old co-workers lost her daughter. She was around 20 weeks went in for the big ultrasound and found many problems the biggest one being a heart defect. She was induced and her daughter passed away in her arms. Then I hear about poor Craig and Mirne losing Jet. I am at a loss for words. I am so sad.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I got an Honest Scrap award

I was given the Honest Scrap Award from Jennifer over at The Blue Sparrow. This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul. So thank you so much Jennifer for the recognition.

There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

The following are blogs that I read and find comfort in the words and feelings written. All have walked or are just beginning their walk down the road of recovering from the loss of thier precious babies. Here are the 7 Blogs that I consider worthy of the award;

My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy - http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/

I love you to the moon and back

My Forever family

My journey

The journey of a ruby baby

Nicholas’ touch

I’m trying to live with the loss of 2 babies within 10 months

Ten honest and interesting things about me:

1) I can make anyone laugh or smile, when I want to.

2) I hate to cook, but I can cook. I’m so glad that Jonathan understands. I will cook on occasion and if Jasper had stayed with us I would have cooked a lot more.

3) I love to take pictures of anything. My biggest thing these days are cloud formations, especially storm clouds. Usually if I see something I like I take a picture of it.

4) I have an all black cat named Jackie “O”. The O is for Onasis. She acts just like her. LOL!

5) I love to travel. Jonathan and I have driven through 22 states most of them several times in America since we have been together.

6) I collect rocks from everywhere that I have visited. States, state parks, ETC. I don’t even have them labeled, but I can tell you where they are all from.

7) I’m the oldest of 4 girls (2 are half sisters on my dad’s side), and one brother. I’m also the oldest grandchild on both my mom and dad’s side. I have 5 nephews and 4 nieces.

8) I never stop thinking of Jasper ever. Everything that has happened in the last 6 months and the fact that he should be here right now. I sleep with his one and only toy which is the Bear that I made for him at Build A Bear and his blanket is under my pillow.

9) I’m obsessed with reading vampire novels ever since I have seen and read twilight. Ever since I lost Jasper 6 months ago I have read 20 on my 21st vampire novel. I guess it helps me escape to a fantasy life.

10) I’m a purse/bagaholic. I have over 2oo bags most of them are cheapies from Kmart, Target, Walmart, Etc. I have 1 coach going to be 2 sometime soon and 3 Dooney & Bourke’s.

Thank you to everyone for your amazing support. HUGS!