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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Third Trimester

Another amazing milestone! Well, I have been in the 3rd trimester for a week now and it's so surreal. Everything seems to be going great and still no symptoms of preeclampsia or HELLP. I am just so grateful for each day, for every kick/movement, and for each and every normal pregnancy pain even though people may think that my talking about each and every one is a complaint, it’s not. I just love being able to express every single moment.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Long time again

It has been such a long time I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know why I wait so long to update my blog. I love writing here it helps a lot with getting out everything that I keep bottled inside and that is something I tend to do very well.

I think I have been avoiding my blog because I have been so afraid to post something here in fear that I would upset someone. I know most of you can just guess what I am going to post next based on that statement. I found out on June 7th that I am expecting my rainbow baby on Feb 14, 2012. We where actually super surprised I honestly thought I would never get pregnant ever again, but after 22 months and 1 day of trying for our rainbow we finally got our BFP.

We have had our ups and downs throughout the past 27 weeks. The first trimester consisted of fear of having a miscarriage, morning sickness or in my case 24/7 nausea, and just keeping my fingers crossed that my baby was growing as he should. The second trimester which will officially be over with on Nov 21st was a bit more nerve racking. Until I could feel movement I at least had my Doppler to keep my mind at ease. On Sept 21st we found out we where going to have another boy I was so happy I cried and still cry for hours. I would have been absolutely thrilled if I was having a girl, but just being able to give this baby Jasper’s middle name as my rainbow’s middle name makes me feel like Jasper is somehow looking out for his baby brother in some cosmic way. My rainbow’s name will be Samuel Thomas Goldthorpe.

I do get a lot of moments where I am so sad that Jasper doesn’t get to share in this experience with us. I am sure he would have been so happy to be a big brother to his little brother. I would have loved to see his expression when he found out that he was going to have a little brother or being able to feel/see my belly move. I am only left to wonder with what should have been.

I can’t help but to brag that Samuel has been doing so well. At his big/gender ultrasound at 19 weeks everything looked absolutely perfect and was measuring 11 ounces which was quit a bit more than his big brother at that time. He even took a little moment to laugh at me for being so worried.

His second growth ultrasound at 24 weeks was absolutely amazing. I was so worried going to this one because I was so afraid that he wasn’t gaining any weight. With Jasper he only gained about 2 ounces every two weeks, so of course I was freaked out. Samuel not only gained weight, but he surpassed his big brother’s weight by 11 ounces by weighing in at 1 pound 8 ounces and in the 44th percentile. Jasper only weighed 13.2 ounces when I had my emergency c-section at 25 weeks so this was a huge milestone.

The next milestone came a week later when I passed 25 weeks. I don’t even know how it happened, but I scheduled an appt with the exact same doctor on the exact same day gestation (24 weeks) that I was admitted into the hospital with Jasper. My wonderful husband Jonathan just had to get a picture just like we did with Jasper that day.
This first picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Jasper at the Dr's appt.

This second picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Samuel at the same Dr's office.

His third growth ultrasound was just today and I am pleased to announce that he is weighing in at a wonderful 2 pounds 8 ounces and in the 68th percentile. I am also happy to report that I passed my glucose test and have absolutely no signs or Pre-eclampsia or HELLP. I am one happy mommy.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Just a short version of catch-up

It didn't mean for it to be this long before I posted again, but I can't seem to write down what I am feeling. I'm still not sure if I can, so all I can do is try.

I go through my days in a foggy haze of depression. I don't ever feel like doing anything except for reading and playing my facebook games. I do manage every once in a while to do other things besides going to work because I have to do that. I would go back or I need to go back on Prozac, but that would put an end to TTC a brother or sister for Jasper. Jonathan refuses to TTC while I am on that becasue of the potential risk of birth defects. I don't blame him I honestly thought we would have another baby by now. But we haven't even had so much of a glimmer of anything despite the perfect timing and all.

Sometimes I wonder why Jonathan even stays with me. He doesn't deserve having a wife that can't give him what he wants (a child). I have talked to him about it, but he gets all mad saying that I shouldn't say something so stupid that if "You can't have a child neither can I." If it where reversed and he was the one with the issue I would never be able to leave him over it. I just wish......I just wish I was "normal".

I never did come here and write down about Jasper's birthday and Angelversary this year. We didn't really do to much this year. The only thing that made this year super special is that my mom got to come down to Florida this year and spent the first two weeks of March with us. I was able to make Jasper's bear this year at Build-A-Bear. I wasn't able to do it on his Birthday, but I was able to make his bear a few weeks ago. We live in a very small area and the nearest Build-A-Bear is 50 miles away.

Well, my SIL and BIL had their daugher in March and I couldn't care less. Yes, this is the same SIL and BIL who said that we lost Jasper because we are not Christian or that he would have been evil. Ever since that day I have not spoken to them at all and truthfully never want to again. I told Jonathan it was up to him if he wanted to continue speaking to his brother I would never ever get in between them. But I do not want anything to do with either of them. Some people would say that I am being childish and maybe on some level I am, but I don't care. I will choose who I want in my life and I don't want them in it for many reasons not just the ones I have said and I won't bore you with the rest of the story.

Monday, February 14, 2011

For the love of vampire books

People are always asking me why I am always reading about vampires so I will do my best to try and explain my new found love of vampire stories. I used to read before I got pregnant with Jasper, but definitely not like I do now. Before Jasper I would only read maybe two or three books a year and it would be all types of books. Some love stories, murder mystery, and horror type like Stephen King novels. I can remember the day it all changed for me. It was about three weeks after Jasper died. I was still very sore from the c-section so my wonderful husband insisted on putting me in a wheelchair and carting me around Wal-Mart at 3 o’clock in the morning just so that I wouldn’t have to encounter any babies or pregnant women. That one particular night Jonathan wanted to look at the magazines so I decided to look at the books and that is where I found the books that in a sense changed and possibly saved my life. Those books where the Night World Series by L.J. Smith. When I say that these books saved my life I mean it literally. During those first weeks of losing my son I had thoughts of just ending my life and somehow these books helped me. When I began reading them it was like I was transported into another world as I was reading I became those characters. When I was reading I became so engrossed in the story that I stopped thinking about the pain and the sadness of losing my son. Vampires are the furthest thing from reality that you can possibly read about and that is what I need. I needed to find a way to escape the heartache and I found it. In the past 23 months 1 week and 1 day that Jasper has been gone I have read about 100 books. Yes! You read that right it is close to 100 books in almost 24 months.