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Friday, November 13, 2009

Grief and bitterness

I can't believe it has only been 8 months since Jasper was born and passed away it feels like it has been and eternity. My grief seems to keep getting worse as the time passes. Lately, I find myself getting so angry over the stuff I can't control. Like seeing pregnant women everywhere I go, it is really driving me insane and seeing babies that are around the age that Jasper should be right now. My latest is when I see Jasper's name, but someone elses baby I don't know I just feel like that is my son's name and no one else is aloud to use it. I know it is crazy, it just really hurts to see his name with a different babies face. I know this to shall pass
(I hope).

I just got back from Chicago, yet another trip I had to make without my son and it was the worst. I'm not saying it was a bad trip, but just my saddness that Jasper was not with us. I spent alot of time with my niece (Kimmy 7yo) and nephew (Andy 9yo). I always have fun when I am with them. I did learn though that my sister has never shown them a picture of Jasper and figured when I was ready I should show them. I did end up showing them a couple of pics of Jasper when he was still alive I figured they where to young to see the  ones when he was gone. I don't even think they really understood what they where looking at. I can't wait for the day that they can fully understand everything about there cousin Jasper.

While I was in Chicago I got my memorial tattoo for Jasper and I love how it turned out.


  1. Wow that tattoo is so beautiful.

  2. Love your tattoo Lisa! When I was getting mine it almost felt like a sacred moment. I sat there crying and remembering Bryston. It was just really healing for me. *HUGS*

  3. Your tattoo is wonderful. I love memorial tattoos and seeing the different designs that people get to remember their babies.

  4. I have a photo for you. Please email me caring4carleigh@yahoo.com with subject Jasper. Thanks

  5. I am glad you were able to share Jasper with your niece & nephew. Your tattoo is great! I hope to someday get one as well.

  6. I know the pain and the anger you speak of. Especially the name thing. I belonged to an IVF board and we all did our IVF cycles in Sept. We were ALL pregnant with twins. I was the ONLY one who mentioned what I was going to name the boys. Sadly, someone stole the names after they knew I had lost them. I felt betrayed like, I said their names and you took them even after I lost them and you made no mention of honoring them in any way. It was a total stab in the back if you ask me. I mentioned that I was upset about this to family members and they all looked at my like I was crazy, like I have no right at all to be upset. It shattered me to the core because the woman also had twin sons yet hers were born full term and went home with her.

    The tattoo is beautiful!

    Sorry I rambled on =)

  7. Love the ink, Lisa. Im planning on getting one too, but haven't decided what (or where) yet.