My 2nd Mother’s day started out pretty nice. Jonathan and I went to Rainbow Springs. When we got home from doing that I noticed that a special showing of Letters to Juliet was playing in a nearby town, so we decided to go see it. We got to Ocala and went to the mall and did some shopping and ate some lunch. Headed over the Best Buy to see the latest and greatest gadgets there are and then headed to the movie theatre. We got to the ticket counter and the movie was sold out. I was so disappointed. Honestly, in the 14 years Jonathan and I have ever been together we have never had this happen. Even for sneak previews. After that we just headed home and spent the rest of our day there. I was very surprised that I only had one major breakdown while having lunch.
Lately, my depression has kicked into overdrive. It pretty much all started since I got my last monthly. I was so disappointed we didn’t get pregnant last cycle even though I knew I shouldn’t and the fact that we are supposed to be on a forced break until I get out to North Carolina in June. I can’t do it, I just can’t.
I also need to take a break from my blog. It seems like everyday I read the blogs that I follow and everyday there is a new pregnancy announcement. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for everyone. I’m just at a point right now where I feel like I will never get to have that again and it is depressing. We started trying again in Sept and nothing. I hate that I feel this way, but when you suffer from Infertility for so long and then lose your child and then have to deal with the infertility part all over again. IT SUCKS!
Jasper, Forever Our First-Born
- Lisa and Jonathan
- Jonathan and I where both born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. We met on May 5, 1996 and have been together since May 7, 1996 when he finally asked me out. We finally got married on Nov 11, 2003. After we got married, we did the whole not officially trying, but not preventing until Sept 2005 when we got serious about having a family. Fast forward to one year and four months, that is when we finally saw our first BFP on a pee stick. Sadly, at 5w 6d we had our first of 3 miscarriages on Feb 1, 2007, our 2nd miscarriage was on Nov 12, 2007 at 5w 1d, our 3rd miscarriage was May 3, 2008 at 4w 2d, and we just recently lost our rainbow baby Jasper on March 6, 2009 due to early onset severe Preeclampsia, HELLP, and severe IUGR.
I think infertility makes the grieving process 10 times harder. Even though another baby won't replace our angels, I do believe they help the heart to heal. I wish you the best of luck ttc!
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry that you have to go through this Lisa. Look after yourself, thinking of you
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Wishing you a happy mother's day as you should be celebrated for the love you have for Jasper. God bless you and carry you as you try to give life once again. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteTotally get that!!!! As I type this, to the right of the comment box is the Grieve out Loud button and that's my sweet little boy's hand. It breaks my heart to see it because it took 10 LONG and HARD and PAINFUL years to get there...and that picture (and a few others and a lock of hair and an entire nursery full of unused things) is all I have....oh, and the gaping hole in my heart. Going through all the IVF AGAIN...when I had that perfect little miracle...it's just insult to injury, over and over.
ReplyDeleteI can so, so relate to how you are feeling.
Thinking of you!!!
Lori
It sucks big time. Not only do we grieve for our boys but we grieve for our fertility too. It is just so incredibly unfair.
ReplyDeleteSending you big *hugs* Lisa.
I am so sorry you are not able to get pregnant, it just hurts to have to wait even longer for a little one. I just wrote about this myself and you have been trying for longer than me. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I am sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you. Thinking of you, ((HUGS)).
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry. i definitely understand the need to step away and what you mean by being happy for others while being reminded of how difficult things are for you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI was hoping that the break in your title meant that it was a good break. But, I understand what you are asking for. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI understand the break. I'm sorry AF came. :(
ReplyDeleteYup, it sucks big time, no better way to say it. I'm so sorry. Sometimes a break is good. XO
ReplyDeleteLisa, I'm so sorry for AF and all that it represents. Infertility sucks. Losing our sons sucks. I'm sorry I'm not there to support you and the other baby-loss mamas these days, but sometimes I worry for just the reasons you mention. And I don't take it personally at all. But I've been there and it hurts so much. Wishing you a break that is good for your soul. I hope Jasper sends you a little brother or sister soon. {{{hugs}}}
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