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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Jealousy and Fear

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy." - Wikipedia
Jealousy is the next strongest emotion next to grief at least for me it is. Some people are lucky enough to be able to hide this emotion, but some like me can not. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let things get to me, that I shouldn't be jealous. These are all people who don't have the first clue what it is like to live with years of infertility, failed pregnancies, and the loss of a child. I also don't understand why people get so offended when someone is jealous of them? I mean someone being jealous of you is kind of flattering in a way, right? They say that living your life being jealous of everyone that has a kid, and can get pregnant easily and by easily I mean it doesn't take a year or more to get pregnant is bad for you. Why? Why is it bad for you exactly? For me it makes me try harder to get what I want. To have a child that is my goal. I will do it, I will one day have a child, a living child. The truth is even when I do get what I want the jealousy will still be there. I will always be jealous of women who get pregnant easily, can have a problem free pregnancy, and that get to have multiple children. The effects of infertility and infant loss will never go away. I will live with this forever.

I am having lots of fears about going to see this specialist in North Carolina. I'm so afraid about what she is going to be telling me. I go see her in 10 days and the fear is getting stronger with each passing day. The one thing I'm pretty sure she is going to tell me that I will have to go on Lovenox while we are trying. I'm ready for that and I'm prepared to hear that. I keep having these fears that she is going to tell me that I will need to quit my job and go on bed rest for the whole nine months. Personally, I wouldn't mind it I would do anything to bring home a full term live baby. The problem is we get our health insurance through my job without it we would be SCREWED. Jonathan works from home and if we were to get private insurance we would have absolutely no money to live on at all. I could talk to her about maybe taking a less stressful job, like a sit down clerical job during my pregnancy or something that doesn't require so much walking, lifting and bending. I guess I will just have to see what she says and take it from there.


  1. I hate jealousy too, it's been my biggest struggle the past 12 months.
    just wanted to know I have been thinking about you.

  2. I hate the green eyed monster. I have been having huge struggles with this lately and know where you are coming from. I wish there was a way to make it go away but like you said, will probably live with it forever. Hang in there and good luck in NC!

  3. I am hoping for the best for you. I know how hard infertility can be. Thinking of you!

  4. Jealousy is the worst and I hate it. Don't feel bad for feeling that way though. It's natural. Hoping for the best for you too! I hope it goes well in NC.

  5. After my loss, I was so jealous of all my friends that were pregnant at the time. I told my husband about it and even he didn't understand. I hope that your visit with your doctor can help you bring home your little Rainbow.

  6. I think we can all claim a little jealousy that's for sure. I hope everything goes ok with the specialist.

  7. (((((HUGS))))) and Prayers for good news!

    My God give you strength to carry you through!


  8. Jealousy is for sure something I am battling at the moment. I can't shake it. It's so unfair we have to grieve for our babies as well as our fertility.

    *hugs* wishing you all the best at your appt.