Saturday, September 25, 2010
I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.
at 4:20 AM