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Monday, February 8, 2010

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anger, Fear all wrapped in my stomach

I wanted to thank all of you for such wonderful support you gave me about my last post. I have to admit that I was a bit scared to post it. I have been treated poorly about my belief or lack there of in the past, but it was something I had to get off my chest. I'm so glad and grateful that I have this blog and all of you to help me through these rough times.

I can not believe it has been a full 11 months since this nightmare began. I was so nieve getting admitted into the hospital, being told that if my "condition" gets worse I will have to have an emergency c-setion and that my son may not live. For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with all of those things in this title. I get to the point where I can't function, I can't even sleep. How has it been almost a full year without my son and through all this I remembered yesterday that I completely forgot about Feb 1st. It marks the day that two years ago I lost my first baby and I only noticed it because I scrolled down to the bottom of my blog and saw my tickers. How could I have forgotten about my first precious lost baby? I feel like such a horrible mom.

The fear is driving my insane. It is a fear that stems from almost 4 and a half years of infertility. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant ever again or if I do, will I lose him/her? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I develop Pre-e and HELLP again? These are all the questions that go through my head on a daily basis. I hate the fact that I feel like this, I hate the fact that I even have to worry about those questions, and most of all I hate the fact that I can't just be a normal women who gets pregnant and has a baby. I just feel like such a failure.


  1. Lisa, I have the same fears and I too wonder if I will ever get pregnant again. It took us over four years to get pregnant with our angels. You are not alone with infertility and with your grief. I wish we could all have our angels with us. xxx

  2. Lisa,
    Although our belief or lack of belief of God differs greatly, there is a common bond between us... I had a miscarriage prior to my two Pre-E and HELLP syndrome pregnancies. After my loss of my first baby I had this insane fear that I would never be a mother, never amount to much, never make a difference in this world. When I got pregnant with Sam and was told that the pregnancy would not survive from eight weeks on due to bleeding, dropping HCG levels, tissue etc etc...and then of course the Pre-E and HELLP, I just couldn 't function. The entire pregnancy was full of fear and anxiety. But then my miracle boy was born, and although we have had so many medical complications with him, and although my second pregnancy was scary too, I wouldn't change this.. And my prayer is that 2010 is the year that your arms will be filled with a little miracle baby too (or a BIG FAT FULL TERM ONE:-)) My heart aches for you, for the empty arms that I too had, for the ache in the heart that is always there, for the overwhelming sadness of seeing others with their babies. Although my first baby is still in my heart and I would like nothing more than to have three children here on this earth, I am happy and blessed with these two and I pray that this is your year!!!

  3. PS sorry that was so ridiculously long. I guess I am a little longwinded

  4. I as well have those same fears. There is not much that I can say to make things better besides that a lot of us are here with you experiencing the same issues. All we have left is Hope and Faith :) ((Hugs))

  5. I have many of the same fears Lisa, as you know. Its a horrible journey to walk after what we've been through. You know I am here, every step of the way. Scream, yell, cry and vent whenever you need to. Lots and lots of support. Lots of *hugs*

  6. You are not a failure. We all go through these emotions and scarey thoughts of our own. We walk our paths, we have our losses, but we are not failures. I'm thinking of you. *hugs*

  7. Thinking of you, Lisa. And sending love.

  8. Lisa, I can so relate to every word here. I have these fears too. I wish the same things every day, that I could just do this the normal way and not have any of this knowledge of how common our losses actually are. Just know that you ARE NOT ALONE! *HUGS*

  9. I think of those same fears every single day and I hate that we all have to live with the same. It's not fair. Know that you are not alone. (((HUGS)))

  10. Your fears are justified. Our fears are amplified to the nth because of our losses. I was just told by a friend who also had a loss that the fears never go away. They just evolve into other fears.

  11. Lisa,

    I am so sorry for your fears and anxiety. I used to get panic attacks, too. My hands would just clenched up, I'd hyperventilate, upset stomach...I feel so bad. I also have the same fears.

    I read your last post about your BIL. You absolutely DID NOT lose Jasper because of your beliefs. I have strong faith in God, as you know, but a deep respect for people who feel otherwise. I still keep you in my prayers. these are my choices, just as yours are yours, and you are entitled to them. They have nothing to do with the loss of Jasper. It is in no way your fault.

    If you need a friend I am here. And thank you so much again for sweet Hannah's name by the waterfalls.

    With love,

  12. I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. None of this was your fault. Not a single bit. I think it's natural to feel this way though. Sometimes I need SOMEONE to blame, and I think it's easiest to assign that blame to ourselves.

  13. I think we will all agree that you are not a failure. I don't know why you and so many others have to deal with infertility. I wish so much for you to have a baby in your arms and safe.

  14. Lisa,

    My husband and I have been dealing with infertility and we did a series of IUI's before we were blessed with our precious Madeline only to lose her 2 days after she was born. This week I have been so emotional. I am crazy jealous of everyone I see that is pregnant-ITS NOT FAIR!!!
    If it was easier for us to get pregnant that is one thing, but those of us that have been trying for so many years and then lose our first born. I just can't believe I have to face this for the rest of my life-aaggghhhh. I too think I will never get pregnant again and will never be able to give Madeline the brother or sister she deserves.

    lots of love always!!