I wanted to thank all of you for such wonderful support you gave me about my last post. I have to admit that I was a bit scared to post it. I have been treated poorly about my belief or lack there of in the past, but it was something I had to get off my chest. I'm so glad and grateful that I have this blog and all of you to help me through these rough times.
I can not believe it has been a full 11 months since this nightmare began. I was so nieve getting admitted into the hospital, being told that if my "condition" gets worse I will have to have an emergency c-setion and that my son may not live. For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with all of those things in this title. I get to the point where I can't function, I can't even sleep. How has it been almost a full year without my son and through all this I remembered yesterday that I completely forgot about Feb 1st. It marks the day that two years ago I lost my first baby and I only noticed it because I scrolled down to the bottom of my blog and saw my tickers. How could I have forgotten about my first precious lost baby? I feel like such a horrible mom.
The fear is driving my insane. It is a fear that stems from almost 4 and a half years of infertility. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant ever again or if I do, will I lose him/her? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I develop Pre-e and HELLP again? These are all the questions that go through my head on a daily basis. I hate the fact that I feel like this, I hate the fact that I even have to worry about those questions, and most of all I hate the fact that I can't just be a normal women who gets pregnant and has a baby. I just feel like such a failure.