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Saturday, February 27, 2010

One year ago today...

I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I was in denial about the whole situation. I had no idea how sick I really was. The only way I can sum it up is that when you are faced with a problem you always go into some sort of denial. I went to the doctor that day thinking it was just going to be a routine visit, but instead my B/P was sky high. My doctor told me that my Platlet counts were really low and that he really thought it would be best for me to go to the hospital and be observed. I was refusing to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want anything to be wrong with me and I guess going to the hospital would have been admitting there was something wrong. My Dr. eventually talked me into going and it scared me so very much and when I walked into that hospital I never thought I would walk out without Jasper.

The last picture of Jasper safe in mommy's tummy. It was taken just before I was told to go to the hospital for observation.

Lately, I have been having nervous breakdowns two of them have been at work. The first time I was standing at the nurses station when I thought I heard a patient call for help. I didn't rush off because no one else was getting up and going so I figured I heard wrong. It happened again the patient called for help when one of my other co-workers that was close to the room screamed out "someone is calling for help" and he did nothing about it; he just stood there. I got pissed off. I walked passed everyone and said "It is really nice that no one goes to see what is wrong with a patient when they call for help." My co-worker then said to me " I was busy cleaning this vital sign machine." WHAT? Seriously, cleaning a stupid machine is more important then a patient calling for help? So, I screamed out "The patients come first." Then went into the patients room and the miserable old man started yelling at me. At first I was very calm and told him that he didn't have to yell at me I was there to help him, but he just kept going on and on; so, I broke. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I started crying and I yelled at the poor sick miserable old man. I know I didn't say anything bad to him, but still I felt really bad. The second time it wasn't as bad. A patient just started freaking out thinking I spilled some pee from the badpan on her bed and I kept telling her I didn't when she kept saying I did. I just said I would change her pad and I don't even know why, but I started bawling. My charge nurse asked if I was alright and I freaked on her saying I will never be all right. Yikes, I'm just more embarressed about these situations more then anything.

So, My boss called me today. She heard about the first incident and told me I needed to take some time off. Well, that is nice seeing that I will be off till March 8th already all she had to do is give me Sunday off. I told her that I'm sure it is just the build up until my son's birthday and Angelversary, but she continued to lecture me anyway. I told her I know that it was wrong and that I will be OK. She did tell me that I have to start talking to someone and saving the best for last. She told me that it is time that I get over this and move on. I would have said something or educated her that, that will never happen, but I didn't want to stir the pot that was already troubled. I thought she was the only one in real life that understood, but I guess I was wrong.


  1. I started to get like that on the lead up to the boys birthday too. Its not a nice feeling at all. I was constantly crying for no reason at all, weel apart from the obvious. I would cry because i had dropped something or silly things like that.
    I know what u mean about denial. I hadnt felt my boys move for 4 days before i went to the hospital because i was in denial.
    I am sorry that your boss said that. She obviously has no idea what it is like.
    ((HUGS)) Xxx

  2. Lisa - People who haven't held their dying baby in their arms will never understand that we dont 'get over' this. My therapist has been a great help to me over the past year, so go see someone if you feel you want to, not because you boss told you to. Thinking of you in the lead up to Jaspers special days.

  3. I know you think about Jasper all the time, but you will be thinking of him in a special way as these anniversary days come up. You are in my thoughts and I am so sorry your boss acted that way toward you. She must not have ever lost a child herself, or she would be more empathetic.
    Blessings, Sarita Boyette

  4. That really sucks. I am so sorry your boss said that to you. If someone ever said that to me I dont know how I would react. Only we know that it is not something that you can ever 'get over'.
    Love and hugs to you x0x0

  5. Lisa I am so sorry for your boss' lack of compassion. How on earth could you ever be expected to "get over this". I mean, we move forward - but move on? No I don;t think so. I am sorry you have had these events make Jasper's special days that much harder.

    Thinking of you and hoping you are able to take some time for yourself these upcoming days.

  6. Oh hon, I had the same thing happen to me leading up to the boys angelversary. It was so hard to even fathom that it had been a year since I held them in my arms.

    I wish that I could sit here and tell you it gets easier as the day passes, it somewhat did but then ... it somewhat didn't. I do honestly try to think of it as time getting closer to seeing them again instead of time further away from when I last saw them.

    I will be lighting the boys candles for Jasper and will hold you all close to my heart.


  7. I haven't experienced the one year marker yet, but I imagine it's got to be hard. So sorry you have to deal with that, along with work stressors and others who don't understand. Hoping for a day of support and remembrance of Jasper. -Rachel

  8. I'm sorry for the hard days you've had and the harder days to come....and more, for the total and complete oblivion that people have when it comes to losing your child. You are right--you will never, ever get over it. I hate the term 'grieving process' because it leads people to think that once you work 'through' the process, you'll be all better.
    Nope. The grieving process really is just how you are going to spend each day of the rest of your life dealing with your heartache. Some days will be better (and worse) than others...but it's every day for the rest of your life.
    So sorry for her lack of compassion. People just can't even imagine how torn apart one's heart can actually be--and that you still function and go through the motions of work and life with that heartbreak is amazing--know that those who have similar heartbreak realize what a monumental testimony to your resilience it is!

  9. *hugs* I'm so sorry that most people don't understand. It's awful feeling like your heart is screaming out explainations but your mouth can't really explain it to make people truly understand.Thinking of your and Jasper!

  10. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and it makes me so angry that someone actually feels that this is something you need to "get over". I wish people understood a little better. Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  11. Oh Lisa, I am so sorry. I don't understand how anyone can be so cold and heartless. I do pray that you do get some comfort as time goes on. The loss of a child always is with you, but I pray that someday soon the pain will be a little less, and the joy of knowing him even if it was for way to short of a time will be comforting to you

  12. I too was so out of sorts leading up to the birthday and then the Angelversary. It didn't help that it was right around the holidays and my birthday. I did seek help. I began talking to a therapist.

    You should print some of the Do's and Don't for a greiving parent and post it for all to see. Maybe bring it up to HR. I am so angry for you. I know people think of saying those things but she shouldn't have said that to you.

  13. Ugh! I think your manager was nice to let you have some time off, but that was really terrible for her to say you need to move on.

    My manager, thank goodness, has been very supportive. He just let me take 6 weeks off to recover from my kidney stone and to do 3 weeks of daily therapy in a hospital (outpatient.) Are you a nurse too? I work on pediatrics, and it's very hard. I feel like I want to tell all the parents that I lost a child... well, that's not different, I always want to tell everyone. Thinking of you as you approach your sweet boy's birthday...

  14. Oh Lisa, such lousy stuff going on at work. It bugs me so much when I hear people saying "time to move on" as if they have been there and know what they are even talking about. {{{hugs}}}