One year ago today...

I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I was in denial about the whole situation. I had no idea how sick I really was. The only way I can sum it up is that when you are faced with a problem you always go into some sort of denial. I went to the doctor that day thinking it was just going to be a routine visit, but instead my B/P was sky high. My doctor told me that my Platlet counts were really low and that he really thought it would be best for me to go to the hospital and be observed. I was refusing to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want anything to be wrong with me and I guess going to the hospital would have been admitting there was something wrong. My Dr. eventually talked me into going and it scared me so very much and when I walked into that hospital I never thought I would walk out without Jasper.

The last picture of Jasper safe in mommy's tummy. It was taken just before I was told to go to the hospital for observation.

Lately, I have been having nervous breakdowns two of them have been at work. The first time I was standing at the nurses station when I thought I heard a patient call for help. I didn't rush off because no one else was getting up and going so I figured I heard wrong. It happened again the patient called for help when one of my other co-workers that was close to the room screamed out "someone is calling for help" and he did nothing about it; he just stood there. I got pissed off. I walked passed everyone and said "It is really nice that no one goes to see what is wrong with a patient when they call for help." My co-worker then said to me " I was busy cleaning this vital sign machine." WHAT? Seriously, cleaning a stupid machine is more important then a patient calling for help? So, I screamed out "The patients come first." Then went into the patients room and the miserable old man started yelling at me. At first I was very calm and told him that he didn't have to yell at me I was there to help him, but he just kept going on and on; so, I broke. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I started crying and I yelled at the poor sick miserable old man. I know I didn't say anything bad to him, but still I felt really bad. The second time it wasn't as bad. A patient just started freaking out thinking I spilled some pee from the badpan on her bed and I kept telling her I didn't when she kept saying I did. I just said I would change her pad and I don't even know why, but I started bawling. My charge nurse asked if I was alright and I freaked on her saying I will never be all right. Yikes, I'm just more embarressed about these situations more then anything.

So, My boss called me today. She heard about the first incident and told me I needed to take some time off. Well, that is nice seeing that I will be off till March 8th already all she had to do is give me Sunday off. I told her that I'm sure it is just the build up until my son's birthday and Angelversary, but she continued to lecture me anyway. I told her I know that it was wrong and that I will be OK. She did tell me that I have to start talking to someone and saving the best for last. She told me that it is time that I get over this and move on. I would have said something or educated her that, that will never happen, but I didn't want to stir the pot that was already troubled. I thought she was the only one in real life that understood, but I guess I was wrong.