The guilt that I have from losing Jasper never really goes away, but sometimes it gets to the point where it takes over my life and it is all I can think about. It is one of those times and this time seems to be worse then the others. It has been almost 17 months since this nightmare began. So this feeling of guilt should be getting better not worse. I keep replaying every aspect of my pregnancy wondering and looking to see if there was something I did wrong; something I did to cause what happened. I don't know how many doctors have told me that I did not cause the blood clot that formed in Jasper's placenta, but I just can't stop wondering if I did do something to cause it. Why did I get Pre-eclampsia and HELLP? Would I have gotten it if that blood clot wasn't in Jasper's placenta? I wonder if I had stopped working sooner would things be different. Would Jasper be here right now safe in my arms? The hardest part is I know I should have left work sooner. My job at the time was very stressful and my co-workers treated me like shit. So why didn't I just leave? Why did I wait so long to go on FMLA? These are questions I will be asking myself until the day I die.
I am also feeling guilty about not being pregnant yet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like it should have happened already. I know for a fact that we have “did the deed” on the right days because I do temperature charting and everything was done on the right days. I just recently started temping every day again because my OB wants to see at least 5 charts so that he can tell that I am ovulating. I’m just so ready to be pregnant again. *Sigh*
Jasper, Forever Our First-Born
- Lisa and Jonathan
- Jonathan and I where both born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. We met on May 5, 1996 and have been together since May 7, 1996 when he finally asked me out. We finally got married on Nov 11, 2003. After we got married, we did the whole not officially trying, but not preventing until Sept 2005 when we got serious about having a family. Fast forward to one year and four months, that is when we finally saw our first BFP on a pee stick. Sadly, at 5w 6d we had our first of 3 miscarriages on Feb 1, 2007, our 2nd miscarriage was on Nov 12, 2007 at 5w 1d, our 3rd miscarriage was May 3, 2008 at 4w 2d, and we just recently lost our rainbow baby Jasper on March 6, 2009 due to early onset severe Preeclampsia, HELLP, and severe IUGR.
Gosh Lisa, I could have written this blog. I finally left my job in April, a few years to late. I was underpaid and unappreciated and stressed to the max. I blame myself a lot for not leaving sooner. I ask myself that question everyday, if only I had left soon, would things be different? If I had pushed the doctors harder would things be different? Sometimes the guilt is so overwhelming that I can't breath.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Jasper!
<3
Brandy
I had guilt feelings, too, thinking I could have done something more to keep Meredith from coming early. I also agonized about her death. She died without us in the nursery and no one told us she was dying - we would have been there to comfort her. I never got to hold her, because the doctors refused to let us, even after she died. I just had so many regrets. I know it's part of losing a baby, even though our guilt is irrational. Lisa, you and your husband have so much love for your angel babies and love to give a child that I pray someday soon you get your wish and get to bring home a little one.xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take your pain away. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteNo matter how many times people tell me I did my best, no one can help me with that guilt. It will consume me more on some days.
ReplyDeleteI am praying that you are blessed with your Rainbow.
Aww hun, i think its normal for us mothers to blame ourselves as it has been over 2 years since i lost Bryce and still to this day hold the guilt of it all, even through i know it wasnt my fault i still hold the guilt,
ReplyDeleteI pray that you have the strength that is needed to get passed this hard time, and to find the strength that you need for healing,
I'm so sorry your heart is hurting and the guilt is consuming. I hate it...no matter how much we are told there was nothing we could or could not have done or changed, the 'if' is always there.
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying for some peace and calm for your heart.
((HUGS))
ReplyDelete