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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hopefully, I will get some answers

Tomorrow is the day I finally go back to see my Hematologist and hopefully get some answers. I really need to know why I developed a blood clot in Jasper's placenta if I was on Lovenox (a blood thinning medication). I also need to know if he knew about the blood clot would I have been put on a higher dose of the Lovenox. I can't help still being so mad at the fact that I was having ultrasounds every two weeks and the blood clot was never caught. I can remember one ultrasound I had at about 21 weeks with my high risk doctor and she spent a lot of time looking at Jasper and was wondering why he was so small. All she kept telling me is that I needed to get an amnio to find out what was wrong and I kept telling her that I will not get an amnio because the risk of Pprom (preterm premature rupture of membranes) was way to high and I was not going to risk my sons life and was glad I didn't because they would have never found out I had a blood clot from an amnio and it turned out Jasper was perfectly healthy. I also need to have a plan in action for my next pregnancy. I already have lovenox for when I get my BFP and I'm hoping that will be soon.

It's hard to believe that I'm already on my 8th cycle. I'm really getting frustrated that this is taking so long, yet again. I have been trying to relax, but it is so very hard. I'm doing everything I did before I got pregnant with Jasper. Except for temping I'm not doing that as well as I should. I'm on Fertility Friend and I haven't even been charting all my symptoms either. I think I did it once since I started again and it just gets my hopes up. Fertility Friend has what they call Early pregnancy signs and what that does is based on your symptoms it gives you a percentage on you probability of being pregnant. The one month I did it I got like between 80-90% chance of being pregnant based on my symptoms and I wasn't.

The other day I met an older woman and we got to talking. She asked me if I had any kids and I told her about Jasper. She then began to tell me about the son she lost to a placental abruption on April 1st 57 years ago. We talked for a long time. She told me about that day and the things people said to her. That is the one thing that doesn't change, peoples inability to understand what we go through when we lose a child. She told me that every year on April 1st even though it has been 57 years she still has a hard time. She said that in time the pain lessens, but it never really goes away. It was just so bittersweet to talk to someone who understands what I feel and understands what I have been through.


  1. Wishing you all the best at your Dr's appointment.

    I actually talk to my grandparents about loss because they lost my Uncle Kevin 30+years ago to suicide. Although it is a different loss from our it still helps knowing that the pain we still feel, is felt by them and yes it has lessened over time but their heart still yearns for their son.


  2. Thinking of you and hoping you get some answers. It's always nice to talk with someone else who went through the same thing and you know they understand. It's so much nicer to talk to someone who does, than who has no idea. Sad, but comforting.(((HUGS)))

  3. I'm thinking of you terribly and love that God sent you that mom who was on our same path. I met someone similar who was 22 years out and I loved that she still thinks about and remembers and misses her daughter. Praying you find those answers!

  4. Hope you get some answers from the doctor.We never forget our babies - Meredith would be over 35 years old and every day, it just seems like it was yesterday to me that she was born. I'm sure that lady benefitted from talking to someone who understands how she feels, and I know myself that some crazy things that were said to BLMs then are still said now. I have heard some doozies in my journey of grief. Thinking of you....

  5. Hope you have answers! I'm glad you came across someone who understands! I think it helps to talk to those years ahead in the journey.