Not ready

I thought I was ready for this year to be over, but the truth is I'm more afraid of next year. I don't want it to be March again. I don't want it to be a year since I met Jasper and had to give him up. I don't want to spend this new year or any without my son. I'm forced to and I hate that more then anything in this world.

Ready

Well, My chances for ever getting pregnant in 2009 is officially over. I'm wondering if it will ever happen again. I feel as if though somehow that me getting pregnant with Jasper was some sort of fluke. Maybe not the fact that I got pregnant with him just the fact that he was a sticky little bean. I guess after having 3 miscarriages that will do that to ya.

I'm actually kind of relieved that this year is almost over. It was in fact the worst year of my life ever. While I was in the mall I couldn't help, but to watch all those happy families getting ready for their holiday. I also couldn't help being so sickly jealous of them and how they probably don't even realize just how lucky they are.

I would like to let everyone know that I have been reading everyone that I follow even if I don't post a comment I have had severe writers block recently I just don't know what to say without sounding like a broken record. I also have a surprise, I came up with how I want to write all of our angels names, but I'm keeping it a secret until I start to do them which will be real soon.

Lost

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now, but just can not seem to figure out what I want to say. I'm sorry in advance if this post seems a bit jumbled, it is because I am. For the past couple of months I don't even feel like myself. It is like I'm a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get back. I have been depressed and mad about everything that has happened over the last 9 months that I don't stop thinking about it, ever, I just want everything that has happened to disappear, I want my son here with me now. I know in my heart that it is impossible. Everywhere I go I have constant reminders that my son is gone. I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I go, even at home on my computer screen. There is really nothing I can do about the outside world, but just now as I am writing this I realized I need to stay away from anything pregnancy/baby realted at home for a while. I'm hoping that it helps, I'm hoping I can find myself again.

Moments

Do you ever have one of those moments where you are doing something normal and then all of a sudden a thought pops in your head about your angel baby and how he/she would react?
That happened to me while driving home from work today. I was in my car listening to some music and was singing a song being all goofy dancing around in my seat and the thought of Jasper laughing at his mommy for being so goofy. The tears just started and there was no way to stop them. It is so hard to imagine that I will never get to have moments like that with Jasper.

Answers

I want to thank everyone for asking me questions. I really enjoyed doing this and hope to do it again sometime. Hopefully, one time getting Jonathan to answer some. I'm sure he will.

Anonymous asked
What made you choose the name Jasper Thomas?

Well, I have to be honest about the fact that I was reading the Twilight series at the time so part of it had to do with that, but I put alot of thought in what I would name my son or daughter. When we chose the name it was before we found out we where having a boy. I knew I didn't want to give him a common name I wanted it to be something special that 1,000's of other people have. I did some research and found out that Jasper was last common in the mid to late 1800's and that just about a few hundred people in the world right now is named Jasper. Thomas we got because Jonathan's dad my father in law is named Thomas and also my brother is named Thomas so it was a double plus. My father in law wanted to have a grandchild so bad and I just feel so terrible that I never had a chance to give him that and he passed away in Oct, 2007 so I thought it was fitting. If one day we get to have another son I will still give him the middle name Thomas for his Grandpa, his uncle, and for his big brother.

Bree asked
You and your hubby have been together almost as long as me and my hubby (14 years). We met in high school. Where did you two meet? What took you guys so long to get married? In our case, we were just young and waiting until we finished college. Sometimes I wish we would have started trying to have kids sooner. Heck, I'm gonna be 30 in two months. Also, if you could travel anywhere, where would you go?


We met on May 5, 1996. Earlier in the day my best friend at the time Lesely where leaving to go do something and when she realized she left something in the house she ran in to get it. When she came out she told me her ex-boyfriend called (not Jonathan) and wanted to come over later that night to catch up. She wanted me to meet him so I said I would be there. Anyway, Later that night we waited and waited when I decided to go home. I was about to walk out the door when her phone rang and it was him and said he would be there in less then 5 minutes. She begged me to wait so I did. He showed up and brought a friend and that friend is now my husband, but it was so funny how it all happened. You know Jonathan never even said one thing to me that night it wasn't til two days later that me and Les went to her ex's house and while they where doing "stuff" in another room Jonathan and I bonded while watching her baby. That's when he asked me out.

It took us so long to get married for several different reasons. We where so young. We didn't feel the need to rush into anything. We wanted to make sure that we could live together before getting married. We where also pretty scared, we broth grew up with divorced parents so we wanted to be absolutely sure. I wish we would have really tried to have a baby sooner as well, for the 14 years we have been together it's not like we played it safe the whole time though. When we where together for I think it was 4 or 5 years I went to get my annual done and I was concerned that we never got pregnant yet. We went over everthing and he said that I should go on Birth control for a while to regulate my periods. I was hesitant, but I did. He did tell me that I would get pregnant faster when I came off of them LOL! What a crock of S*#t. I have been off of them for 9 years. We "officially" stared ttc in Sept 2005 that is when I started temping, ovulation tests, pretty much the works. I was 27 when we started and now I'm 32. I thought for sure I would at least of had two babies by the time I was 30; was I ever wrong.

I would love to travel all over. first, starting in Greenland to Iceland, then going to the United Kingdom, from there going to Europe (all over), especially France, Italy, Then to Australia I would love to walk on Christian's beach.

Franchesca Cox asked
If you could be any place right now, where would it be? What things remind you of Jasper?

I really would like to be back in Chicago for good. I miss it there, it is where all my family is and I miss them so much. After losing Jasper it pains me to be away from my neice's and nephew's like I have missed out on being apart of their life and I will never get that back.

So many things remind me of Jasper. The ones nearest and dearest to my heart is His teddy bear, Butterflies, and Cardinals. I often get reminded of Jasper when I eat something like at this place called Charley's I would eat a chicken philly and while I would be eating it Jasper would kick so much I knew he loved what I was eating, or when I would listen to the Twilight soundtrack to and from work he would start moving around. Also, how he would start moving around the second I would fall asleep and wake me up. I miss that feeling of him alive and safe so much.

Mommato2miracles asked
I know this is so personal and i haven't been able to read your blog lately as my son has had MORE health issues (he is the one that I had SEVERE HELLP with) anyways what have you decided about the future and trying again to conceive? What research have you found about HELLP that leads you to those decisions? I am starting to think about a baby again, but it is so terrifying to think of, and to remember how sick I was, and how we both almost died, and how now my son has all these health issues. Just wondering what you are thinking about the future

Oh boy, have I ever thought about this. We are currently trying again because of my age we don't want to wait too long because it did take us 3 years to get Jasper, but I'm scared shitless. My experience with Pre-e and HELLP was touch and go. I did develop it early and was admitted to the hospital a week before I had my emergency c-section. During that week my B/P was up and down (mostly up), my labs where all over the place Liver enzymes going up and down, Platlet counts doing the same as well was the protein in my urine. When the pain started in my abdomen I didn't know what I should do because I had the pain before since about 17 weeks my pains started and all my levels where normal then so I was afraid that it was something like my gallbladder having attacks. Well, when the pain started my B/P was low, liver enzymes slightly elevated, and platlet counts where pretty close to normal, but the doctors where so afraid they kept telling me I could die so I agreed to the emergency c-section out of pure fear. The research I have done lead me to believe that there is a huge possibility of this happening again, but most likely occur later in the pregnancy. There is also a decent chance that it won't happen again at all. I wish you luck in what ever you decide. It is a hard choice.

Questions and Answers

I have been wanting to do this post for some time now. A post where everyone asks me questions it could be one, two, or five. You may ask any kind of question and I will answer all the questions in the next post.

Special thanks..

To Rikki for thinking of Jasper and writing his name on a precious rock and sending the picture to me. I can't express just how happy it makes me that so many think of my precious Jasper. Just know that I too think of all your angels and am trying to think of so special way to write all of your angels as well.

Special thank you..

To Holly at Caring for Carleigh for writing Jasper's name on a beautiful fall leaf.

I would also like to say sorry for being such an awful blogger and commenter. I am reading all of your blogs that I follow. I have been in such funk. My depression is back ten fold and am actually considering going on medication again. I'm going to wait until January to try see if I can get through thim myself and if not then everything goes on hold until I can "heal". I quoted the word heal because I'm not sure if anyone can ever trully heal from something like loosing a child.

I don't even know why I bother to get my hopes up each cycle. I thought for sure we timed it just right, but nope stupid witch showed up. I guess deep down inside I hoped everyone that told me that once you get pg it will be easier the next time where actually right for a change. Damn stupid infertility, YOU SUCK!

Grief and bitterness

I can't believe it has only been 8 months since Jasper was born and passed away it feels like it has been and eternity. My grief seems to keep getting worse as the time passes. Lately, I find myself getting so angry over the stuff I can't control. Like seeing pregnant women everywhere I go, it is really driving me insane and seeing babies that are around the age that Jasper should be right now. My latest is when I see Jasper's name, but someone elses baby I don't know I just feel like that is my son's name and no one else is aloud to use it. I know it is crazy, it just really hurts to see his name with a different babies face. I know this to shall pass
(I hope).

I just got back from Chicago, yet another trip I had to make without my son and it was the worst. I'm not saying it was a bad trip, but just my saddness that Jasper was not with us. I spent alot of time with my niece (Kimmy 7yo) and nephew (Andy 9yo). I always have fun when I am with them. I did learn though that my sister has never shown them a picture of Jasper and figured when I was ready I should show them. I did end up showing them a couple of pics of Jasper when he was still alive I figured they where to young to see the  ones when he was gone. I don't even think they really understood what they where looking at. I can't wait for the day that they can fully understand everything about there cousin Jasper.

While I was in Chicago I got my memorial tattoo for Jasper and I love how it turned out.

Another man's story

Thank you all who replied to my last post failure. I'm was in a bad way and still am. I thought this was supposed to get easier, but it's not. I wish my insurance never cut me off with counseling. For those who asked about Jasper's clothing drive the link is at the top of my blog. Just click on the pic of his little feet

Recently I met a man in his 60's and we got to talking. He asked me "if I was married?". My answer yes. "How long?" 6 years, but been together almost 14 years. Then for the dreaded question "Any kids?" Yes, but he is no longer with us. He asked me "How long has it been?" so I told him almost 8 months and here is where everyone starts saying "god has a plan" and "everything happens for a reason" bull shit. Nope, not him. He said "that he knows how I feel and the pain does get better." I told him that I hope so because this pain I feel hurts alot. Then he said "That he himself lost a son at 14 months old 40 years ago and continued to tell me his story about what happend to his son. His son was born with blue baby syndrome and at 12 months had the surgery and was getting better starting to get his normal color. Both he and his wife weren't paying attention for a couple of seconds and he fell out of his highchair ended up in the hospital because of it and passed away 6 days later. When he was telling me his story he started to cry so I grabbed his hand and we both cried. He told his story as if it happened yesterday. I guess the point of my story is the pain may lessen, but we will always remember.

I will be away in Chicago for the next week, so I won't be able to read.

Failure

Lately, I have been feeling like such a failure. It seems like I can't do anything right and I'm not talking about just having a baby that is just the biggest of all my failures. I mean that everything I seem to do I fail. Going back to school, I keep changing my mind and want to do something different. I also feel like I'm failing at even being a wife; even though my husband would disagree. I don't clean anymore, not since Jasper died. I keep the house free of garbage and all and tidy looking for the most part, but when it comes to dusting, vaccuuming, sweeping, mopping, Etc. well that is a loss cause. My recent failure is the clothing drive in memory of Jasper. I thought I did everything in my power to get the word out there, but it wasn't good enough. I still have not received one thing. I know there are a couple of people sending some stuff out soon and I know that I won't be giving the hospital the donations that I get until Jasper's first birthday, but I thought I would have gotten a couple of donations by now. I have posted signs where I was allowed, posted on numerous websites for baby loss, so I'm at a loss for words. I hate asking for help, but I think I need it. The hospital where Jasper was born knows there is a donation coming and I don't want to show up empty handed. The link for the clothing drive is on the top of my blog.

I made this for Jasper on facebook. In memory of Jasper Thomas

Still?

I can't believe I'm still running into people that have no idea what has happened. Two people this week so far. One was my hairstylist. She didn't come out and ask about Japer, but I could tell she was looking around for him so I had to just tell her. The other was today at the book store I ran into a Dr. that has privilages in the hospital that I work at and she asked me about the baby. I didn't even know how she knew I was pregnant at the time of my pregnancy I was working at an out patient rehab facility as a Rehab Tech. I was a bit taken off by that, so yet again I have to explain everything that has happened. At least I didn't have to explain about Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome to her like I normally have to do.

Ready to quit

Well first let me tell you a bit about the situation. I work as a CNA in a 119 bed hospital in a small town in Florida. We usually don't have days like this, but last night I was ready to quite not only because of the situation, but because of some of my co-workers as well. It all started about 8 p.m. I was asked to go into a room with a patient to help her do something the patient was very short of breath and needed my help with something so as she was doing what she needed to do which he needed to be flat for and if you ever have been short of breath the last thing you want to do is be flat on your back, anyhow I was holding the patients hand and just trying to get him to relax while the nurse was doing what needed to be done. Ten minutes later I was in with another patient and I hear that dreaded code call for that patient. I stop what I was doing to go see what I needed to help with and just the site of him being intubated and them breathing for him with the Ambu-bag made me start having flashbacks of getting to the NICU and seeing them work on Jasper with the Ambu-bag. I panicked and started crying. Now, here comes the fucked up part when I was asked what was wrong from a couple of co-workers they just rolled their eyes at me and just walked away one of them had the nerve to say "AWWW shit you need to stop doing this to yourself, your son is up in heaven now" I wanted to tell her what I really thought about that. I just didn't want to start an argument.

I know the whole situation was not about me, but this was the first code I have been a part of since starting back at the hospital. The last time I ever saw a code was when they where coding my son. I think I am aloud to be a bit upset about it. The whole situation about how I was treated by some of my co-workers sucked and I just didn't want to be any where around them any more.

Name in the sky

Thank you so much to Ashley at Babies in the sky for writing Jasper's name in the sky. I absolutely love it. I wish so much I could do something for each of you because you have done so much for me and I have not done anything in return and for that I'm sorry. I do not have an artistic bone in my body and some of the stuff I would have thought of someone else thought of it before I did.

Once apon a time...

In a time that seemed a long time ago. There was a young girl named Lisa. She was just like every other girl who planned her wedding, and dreamed of having a family of her own. She had lots of baby dolls to pretend with and she loved to play with them. She spent lots of time feeding them, changing their clothes, and changing their diapers.
Eventually, that young girl grew up and met her prince charming named Jonathan.
Jonathan and Lisa where engaged for seven years before they got married on Nov 11, 2003. In Sept of 2005 Jonathan and Lisa decided they where going to get serious about starting a family of their very own so Lisa started taking her temperature every morning, checking her cervical mucous, and doing Ovulation prediction tests. Finally, after one year and three months Lisa saw her first positive pregnancy test. Seeing those two lines was the happiest moment because she knew her family was about to begin. Sadly, all her dreams came to a screeching halt on Feb 1, 2007 when she lost their first baby. They did not give up they kept trying to get the family they wanted, but sadly they miscarried their next two babies as well.
Jonathan and Lisa kept trying for that family that they wanted. They went to special doctors, started taking medicine, and Lisa under went alot of tests to see why they where not getting the family they where trying for.
On Sept 30, 2008 Lisa found out she was pregnant once again, but she did not get her hopes up. She thought for sure she will miscarry this baby as well. Much to her surprise the pregnancy tests kept getting darker as was the blood tests that kept doubling like they where supposed to and that has never happened before. Jonathan and Lisa got their hopes up and waited until Oct 20, 2008 to finally see their baby's heart beat for the first time and it was the most beautiful site. Many things happened that scared Jonathan and Lisa during the pregnancy, but everything seemed to be going OK. That was until Feb 26, 2009 when Lisa went for a routine check up with my Hematologist Jonathan and Lisa was told that she needed to get to the hospital to be admitted for observation because her Liver Enzymes where high and Platelet counts where low. They went straight to the hospital where in 24 hours Lisa was diagnosed with mild Pre-eclampsia and need to stay in the hospital until birth for observation. Jonathan and Lisa didn't realize that it would only be a week before their son was born at six and a half months because Lisa developed severe Pre-eclampsia at that point along with HELLP syndrome. Their son only lived for 36 hours he was to small to survive out of his mommy's belly.
Jonathan and Lisa are still waiting for their happy ending.

I wish I could go into the past and tell that little girl that what she was dreaming of is only a fairy tale.

Anger

It has been a while since posting. I have been reading everyone that I follow just been too busy to write anything.

Ever since coming off of Prozac I have been a walking time bomb waiting to go off. When I was on it I honestly don't know how to describe it except for I felt stuck like I could not move on. Being off of it has made me feel again, I'm now able to cry again, get mad about everything that has happened, and just feel like I can be sad again. Prozac just wouldn't let me feel all of these things therefore I don't think I was healing or getting any better, just frozen in time. Does that all make sense?

Will this feeling of being punched in the gut, and anger ever go away every time I see a pregnant women or a baby? I can't deal with this anymore, I don't want to feel like this, but every time I see either I just want to go off screaming, yelling, cursing well you get the picture. I'm also so sick and tired of the media glamorizing celebrity pregnancy. Every time I look at a damn magazine there is a pregnant celeb, one trying to get pregnant, or one with a newborn. I'm SICK of it.

Now, to save the most fucked up for last. There is this young girl that I know and guess what she's pregnant. She is young, she doesn't have a pot to piss in, and get this when asked how she will be able to care for a child, she says (can't remember exactly what she said) something like faith will help her or some shit like that. The last time I checked faith doesn't pay the damn bills, buy diapers or clothes, the last time I checked faith does absolutely nothing for you except give you false hope.

The midnight orange

I have been following a wonderful blog called My Very Own Angel and came across a wonderful artist. Dana makes the most beautiful sculptures and each one of them have a very powerful meaning. Her website is The Midnight Orange
Take a few minutes and check it out.

Pregnancy and infant loss day 2009

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is a special day where we can all recognize the babies we have lost, no matter the cause. Tonight at 7:00 P.M. I will be lighting a candle for each of my children that I have lost. My son Jasper Thomas and the three litte angels that I lost early in the 1st trimester of pregnancy.

Bad news and even more bad news

Well, My first month back trying again is a complete bust. I'm so disappointed even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen. I also found out that I did have HELLP, It's been confirmed and I'm pissed about it this put me and my next baby at great risk, but I will do everything possible for it NOT to happen again.

I have been working so much overtime recently which has been helping me keep my mind off of everything. I have also been falling behind on reading the blogs that I follow and I feel bad about that because everyone here has helped me so much I would like to be able to do the same in return. I have a couple of days off so I will be going back and reading.

September Secret Garden Meeting

“This month we feel that we need to focus on the positive things that have helped us in this journey so far. We know that for some of you it is still very early days and that you may not be able to see any light right now, so that is why we are sharing about things that have helped us the most in the hope that you may see something that has helped someone else that could possibly benefit you”.

There are three things/people that have helped me through this painful and tough journey.

The number one person that has helped me in this new life is my Jonathan. Without him I don’t think I would have ever survived this nightmare. He dragged me back into life kicking and screaming, and he never gave up. He may have gotten upset with me on one or two occasions and I’m glad he did.

Number two would be my blog along with the wonderful women that follow it and the women that I follow. It is bittersweet to find people that understand the pain i'm going through.

Number three is the fertilityfriend website. I joined the site just so that I could do my ovulation charting on-line and not by hand anymore, but when I ventured over to the community I found some wonderful women to talk to and still continue to find wonderful women to talk to even after 2 years.

My Do's and Don'ts

I have seen this done on a few other blogs and decided to make one especially for me, for my situation. I will most likely be adding to this as time goes on. Seeing that the more people I happen to tell or find out about Jasper, the more people will say some stupid shit.

1) I am a mother so recognize me as one. Just because my children are not with me does not mean I should not be recognized.

2) Don’t say that I need to “move on’, I will never “move on” ask yourself would you be able to just “move on” if you lost a child? If that answer is no which I’m sure it will be if you’re not a cold heartless person, then do not tell me too.

3) Do not tell me that god has a plan. Honestly, I don’t care if god has a plan or not. I had a plan and that plan was to love and nurture my child for many years alive. Truthfully, don’t even mention god. The way I feel if there is in fact a god then he is an asshole for taking away my baby. I have lost all my faith in anything spiritual period. Actually, it has been lost for quit some time. This does not make me an Atheist (someone who does not believe in any god), it makes me an agnostic (someone who is unsure of a spiritual being). I have gone through so many bad things that I do have the right to be unsure.

4) If you can’t think of anything to say then don’t say anything, just never say to me that there is a reason, that thing’s happen for a reason. I swear I’m going to flip out the next time someone says that to me.

5) Don’t ask me why I carry around pictures of my son? The answer will ALWAYS be because he IS my son and ALWAYS will be I love him and very proud of him and will ALWAYS show him off even if he is not with me.

6) Don’t just ignore me when I talk about my pregnancy, I was pregnant for six and a half months. I want to talk about my pregnancy I felt my son kick, I gave birth to him.

7) Please if you can’t think of anything to say, just say I’m sorry for your loss and stop there.

8) Ask me about my son, I do want to talk about him. Just because he is not with me
doesn't mean he wasn't real.

9) Don't just ignore the subject because you think I will get hurt, it hurts more when you ignore him.

...More to come (I'm sure).

One year ago today...

... at approx. 12:30 p.m. Eastern time. I got my first positive pregnancy test with Jasper at 9dpo. I miss the excitment and panic of that day and the 6 and a half months that followed.

I made a slide show of my pregnancy with Jasper

Happy birthday our first angel

Happy Birthday my precious first angel! Today you would have been 2 years old. You where with us for such a short time, you grew in mommy’s belly for 5w 6d and today Sept 26th was your estimated due date. We will always reflect on this day as if it is your birthday and wonder what you would have been like and who you would have looked like. I believe in my heart that you where a girl and would have looked just like me, just as I looked like your nannie. We will always miss you our sweet little angel.

I'm pissed, I hate insurance companies

Well, I got a call the other day from my counselor and my stupid insurance will not pay for anymore counseling for me. According to DR. D my insurance will pay for only 12 visits a year. WHAT? I'm so fucking pissed off right now I feel like moving anywhere just to get out of the states. I don't have the money to just pay for it $80a week or even every other week for that matter. How could they do this to me? Counseling was really helping me. I need it now more then ever, I'm coming of Prozac right now and at a very critical state in my recovery and grieving process. I would go to a group support, but the don't have any close to me and once a month is not enough I need the one on one support. I'm so sick of it all the insurance companies care about is the fucking money and the the people they insure and their well being. I pay them all this money for what? To be charged an arm and a leg anyway.

Thank you's and Emotions

I want to thank Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for making this beautiful collage for us, we will cherish it forever.


I would also like to thank Sarah at Say it with flowers for writing Jasper's name on a flower. I was finally able to purchase my wonderful picture so I can share it with all of you. I would also like to mention that Jasper's name being on a tulip brings a special memory because tulips just happens to be Jasper's great-grandpa's favorite flower and had them planted in his garden and the tiger lily next to it happens to be one of my favorites.


I can't believe the roller coaster of emotions I have been having since I have decided to come off of Prozac. It almost feels like I've been paused in time and now my life is starting to play again in slow motion. It will take about a month for it all to leave my system. I wish I never started taking it, but the only reason why I had to, is because I was forced to go back to work too soon. I will continually have to keep reminding myself that I don’t want to go back to the way I was before I had to start. Before the Prozac my poor Jonathan had to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming, I never wanted to leave my house ever again. It was even worse when I saw a pregnant women or a baby. I would freak out, runaway and cry. Now, when I see a pregnant woman or baby it feels like I got punched in the gut a few times. I don’t have that urge to run any more or at least if I do; I don’t. I’m so glad Jonathan never gave up on me. I would be a mess without him.

Well, I’m officially in the TWW (two week wait). I really don’t think we will end up pregnant this cycle, but you never know. If we did end up pregnant in this cycle it would be to close to Jasper’s due date and I would be worried OH, 95% of the time, not that I wouldn’t be anyway if we got pregnant a couple of months from now. When my next cycle starts that is when I start doing everything again, by everything I mean temperatures every day, I bought those new fertility tests that First Response has that you do on day 3 of your cycle to see if you have a good egg reserve, ovulation tests, and then when it is time a pregnancy test or two or three. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already I’m a POAS-aholic (POAS = pee on a stick).

My special reminder of Jasper

Danielle at Letting go and letting god posted I'm posting a MckLinky up at the bottom of this post, and would love if you could write a post that introduces a special stuffed animal, blanket, or even something random that makes you think about your baby. Even if you haven't lost a baby you are welcome to participate. If you have other children living and would like to include what makes you think of them, I would love to read about it.

The one thing that reminds me most of Jasper is his teddy bear. I didn't get his teddy bear until after he had already passed away, but it was the thought that counts the most. I was supposed to get him his teddy bear the day I was admitted into the hospital.

A visit from my 4 angels

Tuesday Jonathan and I came home from the mall and our across the street neighbors have this really pretty bottle brush tree in their front yard. Well, as we where driving up our driveway I noticed some yellow butterflies flying around this tree. I immediately ran to the tree to watch them and noticed there was 4 of them one for each of my precious angels. This was the best picture of them I could get. Oh, How I miss each of them so much. It makes me so happy to know that they are all together.

The day of Feb 26, 2009

Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful comments. I no longer feel selfish or bad in any way. She did say she was sorry that she kept rambeling on about her daughter and I told her not to be; that she had no way of knowing about my precious son.

I've been thinking alot lately about Feb 26, 2009. That was the day I was admitted into the hospital. I had an appointment an hour away from my house in Gaineseville, Fl. I should have never went. I should have stayed closer to home, just a few day earlier I was in OB because of contractions due to a UTI that I didn't know I had. I will rewind a little bit to that night. I was at home and started having pain in the upper abdomen that would tighten my whole belly, so off to L & D we go. I was taken upstairs, told to pee in a cup, and got put on the monitor. 20 minutes go by a nurse finally walks in tells me I'm having contractions every 5 minutes, I have a UTI, I have protien in my urine, and my BP is super high. 180's over 90's. I was given my first dose of Procardia to stop the contractions and I asked about the risk of Pre-eclampsia I've been doing my reading. She then began to reassure me that the protien and the BP was probably due to the contractions. She is an OB nurse of course I'm going to believe her. After 4 doses of the Procardia contracions have stopped and my BP is finally normal. The only thing that is reassuring me is my active little boy, his heart rate is staying strong and normal and he wouldn't stop trying to kick the monitor off. It was so funny to watch him try though. A few hours go by and my OB comes in says the contractions have stopped and I could go home. She asked me if I wanted a script for the Procardia to take at home and stupid me told her no, because it made me feel like crap. I was very surprised that she didn't do a cervical check or another pee test to check for protien. I even asked her about it and she wasn't worried. She is the OB so I believe her.

Back to Feb 26th. I had an appointment with Dr. L my Hematologist because I do have Factor V and was on Lovenox. I figured this is an appt I shouldn't miss so I went. This was also the day I was going to go to Build a Bear and make Jasper's bear. Anyway, this was very different then the other appts that I have had there. We waited for Dr. L for a long time before he came in. They kept telling us he was waiting on my blood work to come back. When he came in he looked very concerned, he told me I would have to go to the hospital to be evaluated over night because my platlet counts where low and my liver enzymes where high on top of my BP being 130's over 80's. He said I might have Pre-eclampsia and that going to the hospital to be evaluated was the only way to know for sure. So, I went to the hospital after alot of trying to get out of it. I already wrote the next part of the story you can read it here Jasper's birth story.

It makes me so freaking mad that my OB didn't look into anything further when I was in L & D. I don't understand her logic for not doing so. I know she is the only OB in that hospital, but if she is so overworked that she can't do her job she should hire another OB for her practice. I will be looking for a new OB, but the problem is I live in a small county and have to travel to go anywhere else because the other practice in the county is crap as well.

Feeling bad about being selfish

I did something unintentional last night at work and now I feel so bad. I worked on a different floor last night and one of the girls just got off of maternity leave and was talking about her daughter all the time. I really didn't care about it I just tuned her out like I usually do. Well, working at night we usually just bring our food to the nurses station and eat there; so that is what I did and I pulled out the recent book that I'm reading and I have a bookmark that I made with a pic of Jasper, his footprints, and his name in the sand. I meant to put my bookmark upside down, but I didn't and she saw it and started asking questions so I explained what happened to Jasper. From then on out she didn't mention her daughter at all. I know she was being nice and respectful to my feelings, but I should have said something. I was being selfish and now I feel like crap.

Jasper's urn

Yesterday was a very sad day. We got Jasper's urn and put him in his final resting spot. I really love how it turned out, it is perfect. A huge part of me is so mad about myself for likeing how it turned out so much. I don't want my son to be in there. I want him home with me in his crib, crying for me to pick him up.
Here are the picture of my precious Jasper's final resting place.

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