The Secret Garden (August Meeting)

This month we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. There are a few questions all with in the same topic and because all of our stories differ some questions may not apply to you. If you would like you can just write about your experience or you can answer the questions individually. Of course you do not have to answer them all they are just simply there for you to share your experience so please just answer what you feel comfortable with.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

It is a beautiful spacious room really close to ours, it is on the second floor and when you look out the window, all you can see is trees.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

I wish we did have it ready. I feel bad for not having it ready, but in order to do that we had to move a couple of rooms around. The office was supposed to move downstairs and the guest bedroom (Jasper’s room) was moving into the office. We were working on getting all of the baby stuff we were going to need and move the rooms around after he was born. We wanted him to stay close to us for the first few months anyway so it was perfectly fine for us.

If so, how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was pure agony. I was only 25 weeks into the pregnancy when I had Jasper and after having three miscarriages I was afraid to start buying stuff earlier on. When we found out at our 19-week ultrasound that we our baby was a boy I could not help it I started buying some things for him, well mostly clothes. When I finally got the nerve to step into his room; I just laid on the guest bed and cried for hours.

Did you pack it all away?

Just some of the smaller things like bottles, and diapers.

What is your baby's room now?

It is still the guest room that has Jasper’s ashes, all of his clothes, his birth and death certificate, my pregnancy memory box, and hopefully I will have Jasper’s urn very soon.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant, again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I will always fear setting up a baby’s room before he/she is born. Next time I think it will work out the same way. We will buy all his/her stuff, next time I will not buy stuff until I pass 30 weeks and will set up the room after he/she is born.

It's about time to sadness to ruined moment

It only took 3 months, but we finally got a call from the Funeral home. The company that we put our special order in for Jasper's urn, finally said that they would be able to do everything we wanted. I was just about ready to give up and go to a different Funeral home. We go there Monday and look at the pictures to see what his urn will look like.

I can't believe I have to put my son in an urn and not in his crib. I miss him so much. I would give anything just to have him in my arms and not have to go through all this pain. It has been almost six months since he was taken from me and I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. Why is it that we can't remember happy memories like it was yesterday? Why is it you can only remember the sad stuff that way?

Last night at work one of my co-workers asked me if I have a picture of Jasper. Being the proud mommy of an angel that I am, I pulled out my photo album that I keep in my purse of him. I have in there my favorite ultrasound pictures, the last pic of me pregnant with Jasper, I have pics of him alive and fighting and pics of him after he became an angel. A few of my co-workers looked at him and ooed and awwed and I was loving it. What mother wouldn't? Anyway, one girl just had to ruin my moment when she asked me why I would carry pics of him if he was gone? I just simply told her that he is my son and I love to show him off no matter what. One of my co-workers that was sitting next to me backed me up, she said she would do the exact same thing if it was her child. I wanted to give her the biggest hug for sticking up for me. I did say thank you.

I did some researh on HELLP syndrome

I've been hearing alot about HELLP in association with Pre-e so I decided to research it and find out what it is all about. What I have learned was that:

"What is HELLP syndrome?
HELLP syndrome is a rare but serious illness in pregnancy. This illness can start quickly, most often in the last 3 months of pregnancy (the third trimester). It can also start soon after you have your baby. HELLP stands for Hemolysis, Elevated Liver enzyme levels and a Low Platelet count. These are problems that can occur in women with this syndrome.

Women with HELLP syndrome may have bleeding problems, liver problems and blood pressure problems that can hurt both the mother and the baby.

Who gets HELLP syndrome?
We don't know the cause of HELLP syndrome. We also don't know who will get it. Any pregnant woman may get this illness.

Most women who will get HELLP have blood pressure problems before they get HELLP syndrome. (But you can get HELLP syndrome even if your blood pressure is normal.)

You're more likely to get HELLP syndrome if you're white and over 25 years of age. You are also more likely to get it if you have had children before or if you had a problem with a pregnancy in the past.

How can I tell if I have HELLP syndrome?
If you have HELLP syndrome, you may feel tired. You may have pain in the upper right part of your belly. You may have bad headaches and nausea or vomiting. You may have swelling, especially in your face and hands. Rarely, you may notice bleeding from your gums or other places.

Because many healthy pregnant women also have these symptoms late in pregnancy, it may be hard to know for sure if you have HELLP syndrome. Your doctor may order blood tests if you have these symptoms or if your blood pressure is high." familydoctor.org

It was easier for me to copy and past from the website. I was never told I had HELLP with my Pre-e, but it honestly sounds like I did by the description of it. I had elevated liver enzymes and low platlet counts that was one of the biggest reasons why I was admitted into the hospital and also the protein in my urine, but we didn't know that until I was admitted. I had also had pain in my upper abdomen which they said the day they delivered could be my liver swelling and they didn't want to take any chances. I honestly don't think it was my liver, I feel like it may have been gull stones because I still get the same pain today only not as bad. I'm getting it checked out. I also have a blood clotting disorder and was on Lovenox during my pregnancy.

I just don't understand why they wouldn't tell me if I had HELLP as well as the pre-e? I plan on talking to my Perinatologist about it when I see her for my pre-conception visit. Now, I wish I didn't do any research I have to stop doing that.

I think I'm ready to start trying again....

These are some big words for me. After losing Jasper I had no desire to go through the hole trying thing ever again. It took us three years to get him only to have him ripped away by Pre-e. I wonder how long it will take us this time, hopefully not as long as it took to get Jasper. Trying again scares the heck out of me, but seeing as that I'm not one to give up, I'm ready. We will be waiting until my October cycle because trying again next cycle will be to hard. One year ago Jasper was concieved, well actually we found out on Sept 30, 2008 that I was pregnant. If by chance we do get pregnant the first month I will be scared if Jasper's and the next baby have the same or close to same due dates.

The last two weeks

I have decided that I am going to change the title of my blog. About two weeks ago, I opened my blog to read it, started staring at the title In memory of Jasper Thomas, and while there is nothing wrong with the title. I started crying I know I can come up with something better for me and for what Jasper represents to Jonathan and me. I am still not 100% on what the title will be, but I will expect to have it changed with in 24 hours. I will be keeping the link the same.

It has been officially two weeks since I began my new job and shift. I went from being a Rehab Tech to finally going back to be a Patient Care Tech and from working eight hour day to working twelve hour nights. It has definitely been interesting I am still trying to get used to it all. I am very grateful to be working with some of the people I used to work with on the floor before I left three years ago to work in Rehab. Of course, none of them knew about Jasper or what had happened to us; so I have been telling our story repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I definitely do not mind I like being able to tell people about my special little angel. It makes me feel like they are aware that he was very much real.

I have also been very eager to stop taking Prozac; I cannot stand the way it makes me feel. I feel like an emotionless zombie; as if I am off in my own little Lisa world that I cannot escape. I fear that it is doing more harm then good. That is the only way I will ever know if Prozac is doing more harm then good.

I would like so give a special thanks to two amazing women who sent me a very special gift: Thank you so much to Bree, her blog is My Baby Butterfly Ella for sending me Jasper’s Butterfly and Lea, her blog is Nicholas’ Touch for sending me Jasper’s angel wings. I adore them and have them both hanging in Jasper’s room.

The clothing drive blog is finally up and running

I finally had time to finish it today. YAY!
It is http://jasperthomasclothingdrive.blogspot.com/
I need to ask for a favor. I need some help to get the word out if you wouldn't mind. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you all so much for your support.

Will this pain ever go away?

Every day I think of my son and the fact that I will never get to do the things I should be doing with him and every day I get so sick to my stomach. I have gotten to a point where I don't cry everyday, but everyday I'm haunted of the memory of everything that has happened. Today was the absolute worst. I woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed all day curled up into a little ball and just cry all day, but I had to go to work. The whole morning (right now I work near the OB dept)there was a woman in the ob waiting room with a baby boy around the same age Jasper should be had he been born around his due date June 13th, so about two months. I could not stop looking at her son and picturing Jasper. Ther was even a couple of times that I thought I was crazy. As if that wasn't enough one of my co-workers brought in her three kids today along with her new baby girl. Something inside me just snapped and I broke down. I just had to get out of there, so I went to cafetaria, but there was nothing good there so I braved going back to my department to get my purse. I walked in crying and looking at the ground got my purse and left. Now, I feel bad about it, but I said nothing to my co-worker. I just had to get away. I know this will probably never happen, but I don't want this pain anymore, I don't want to feel jealous of every pregnant woman, or women with a baby/child that I see. I just feel so drained. I want my Jasper back so bad.

July Secret garden meeting

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I imagine Jasper as if he should be here. He should be around 2 months old, so I imagine him holding his head on his own, sleeping through the night, getting bigger, rolling over for the first time on his own.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
With my next pregnancy I just hope I can get through it problem and pre-eclampsia free. I know I will be so scared throughout the whole pregnancy. I really want to try and have a VBAC, but I will do what ever is needed to bring home a healthy baby.

Clothing drive in honor of Jasper

I'm working on the new blog for the clothing drive and should be up by the end of the week. It has taken such a long time to put it all together, but it finally is almost there.

The trip to Texas that we were supposed to take with Jasper

I didn't know how I wanted to start this. I thought about writing this as a letter to Jasper, but I think I will just write about our weekend to San Antonio, Tx to see Jasper's grandpa (my dad) without Jasper. We talked about this trip quit a bit while I was pregnant with Jasper. It was supposed to be around Christmas time, but we decided to go this weekend. My weekend started out on Thursday after work. Jonathan and I got on the road at 9:00p.m. I got to sleep throughout the night while Jonathan drove. He purposefully slept all day so that he could drive all night. Well, I couldn't get a peaceful nights sleep. I kept dreaming of Jasper and him being in the backseat like he should have been. Crying for a bottle, to be changed, to be held. I kept waking up and remembering that it was a dream and I would start tearing up. It was so heartbreaking being reminded over and over again that my Jasper is gone. When we got to my dad's I started to cry again remembering that Jasper will never get to meet his grandpa or grandpa will never get to meet Jasper. There were a couple of times I allowed my self to have some fun. It was just nice to spend time with my dad. I haven't seen him in about two years.