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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Will this pain ever go away?

Every day I think of my son and the fact that I will never get to do the things I should be doing with him and every day I get so sick to my stomach. I have gotten to a point where I don't cry everyday, but everyday I'm haunted of the memory of everything that has happened. Today was the absolute worst. I woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed all day curled up into a little ball and just cry all day, but I had to go to work. The whole morning (right now I work near the OB dept)there was a woman in the ob waiting room with a baby boy around the same age Jasper should be had he been born around his due date June 13th, so about two months. I could not stop looking at her son and picturing Jasper. Ther was even a couple of times that I thought I was crazy. As if that wasn't enough one of my co-workers brought in her three kids today along with her new baby girl. Something inside me just snapped and I broke down. I just had to get out of there, so I went to cafetaria, but there was nothing good there so I braved going back to my department to get my purse. I walked in crying and looking at the ground got my purse and left. Now, I feel bad about it, but I said nothing to my co-worker. I just had to get away. I know this will probably never happen, but I don't want this pain anymore, I don't want to feel jealous of every pregnant woman, or women with a baby/child that I see. I just feel so drained. I want my Jasper back so bad.



  1. Oh, Lisa. I have to tell you, my fourth month was my hardest. Maybe it is because we have hit the time where our babies would have been home with us had everything turned out well. I go through my days like a zombie.

    Sometimes I stare at people's babies too and I feel like they're thinking I'm a freak or something. But, I can't take my eyes off of babies that look like they are around Ella's age. And, I don't know what I feel when I look at them. Extreme sadness, envy, anger.

    I'm sure your co-worker understood why you couldn't say anything to her. It would have been nice if she would have said something to make you feel comfortable. But, really, what could she have said. I'm sure she felt bad.


  2. Oh, Mama.... I can't imagine. Peace to you.