One year ago today...

I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I was in denial about the whole situation. I had no idea how sick I really was. The only way I can sum it up is that when you are faced with a problem you always go into some sort of denial. I went to the doctor that day thinking it was just going to be a routine visit, but instead my B/P was sky high. My doctor told me that my Platlet counts were really low and that he really thought it would be best for me to go to the hospital and be observed. I was refusing to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want anything to be wrong with me and I guess going to the hospital would have been admitting there was something wrong. My Dr. eventually talked me into going and it scared me so very much and when I walked into that hospital I never thought I would walk out without Jasper.

The last picture of Jasper safe in mommy's tummy. It was taken just before I was told to go to the hospital for observation.

Lately, I have been having nervous breakdowns two of them have been at work. The first time I was standing at the nurses station when I thought I heard a patient call for help. I didn't rush off because no one else was getting up and going so I figured I heard wrong. It happened again the patient called for help when one of my other co-workers that was close to the room screamed out "someone is calling for help" and he did nothing about it; he just stood there. I got pissed off. I walked passed everyone and said "It is really nice that no one goes to see what is wrong with a patient when they call for help." My co-worker then said to me " I was busy cleaning this vital sign machine." WHAT? Seriously, cleaning a stupid machine is more important then a patient calling for help? So, I screamed out "The patients come first." Then went into the patients room and the miserable old man started yelling at me. At first I was very calm and told him that he didn't have to yell at me I was there to help him, but he just kept going on and on; so, I broke. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I started crying and I yelled at the poor sick miserable old man. I know I didn't say anything bad to him, but still I felt really bad. The second time it wasn't as bad. A patient just started freaking out thinking I spilled some pee from the badpan on her bed and I kept telling her I didn't when she kept saying I did. I just said I would change her pad and I don't even know why, but I started bawling. My charge nurse asked if I was alright and I freaked on her saying I will never be all right. Yikes, I'm just more embarressed about these situations more then anything.

So, My boss called me today. She heard about the first incident and told me I needed to take some time off. Well, that is nice seeing that I will be off till March 8th already all she had to do is give me Sunday off. I told her that I'm sure it is just the build up until my son's birthday and Angelversary, but she continued to lecture me anyway. I told her I know that it was wrong and that I will be OK. She did tell me that I have to start talking to someone and saving the best for last. She told me that it is time that I get over this and move on. I would have said something or educated her that, that will never happen, but I didn't want to stir the pot that was already troubled. I thought she was the only one in real life that understood, but I guess I was wrong.

BLAH!

Well, My last chance to be pregnant before Jasper's birthday is gone. I didn't get AF yet, but I tested. I'm 11 DPO and got a BFN. I hate this. I was really hoping to be pregnant so that it would make Jasper's birthday a bit more bearable. I know the pain wouldn't be any less, but being pregnant with Jasper's sister or brother would have made it more bearable.

I can't believe Jasper's birthday is in 12 days. Where did the time go. Did I go through some time warp? It sure feels like it.

Just a quick thank you...

to Franchesca for my new blog design. I LOOOOOVVEE it SOOOOOO much! I can't stop going to my blog to look at it. Jonathan loves it as well. Thank you so very much!

Some Thank you's and some rambelings

I would like to say thanks to Megan for writing Jasper's name in the snow. I sure do love to see his name and that other people think of him...

...and Birni for making this beautiful Valentine for Jasper.

Not much going on here. I am still trying to figure out where to have Jasper's Birthday party. I'm thinking Rainbow Springs State Park. I plan on doing a balloon release. I would like to ask a favor if you would on March 4th light a candle or release a balloon and take a pic and send it to me at jasperthomas@live.com. I would be forever grateful. These next few weeks are going to be hard to say the least.

I'm so hoping that the clomid worked this month, I do not want to endure another month of this stuff. I'm so glad I finally ovulated and that I'm no longer the crazy lady. Now, I'm a crazy lady in a different way. I am in the two week wait and that in a sence will drive you crazy. I'm over analyzing every twinge in my body. Symptoms so far are tender breasts, bloated, and that is about it. I think that is pretty good for only being 3dpo (days past ovulation).

I finally made my appts with my doctors. I see my new OB next Thursday and my Hematologist next month on the 21st. I think I overwhelmed the nurse for my new OB with everthing that has happened to me. It will also be interesting to see what my Hematologist says when he finds out that Jasper had a clot in his placenta and why it was never caught by a high risk doctor or my OB. If it had infact been caught early enough I would have been on a higher dose of Lovenox and on strict bed rest. The blood clot had been there a month before I had my emergency c-section, so maybe Jasper would have been close to where he should have been.

I know I have to stop thinking about the what if's? and What should have beens? I just don't know how I can. This is probably the most difficult part of being a baby lost mama.

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anger, Fear all wrapped in my stomach

I wanted to thank all of you for such wonderful support you gave me about my last post. I have to admit that I was a bit scared to post it. I have been treated poorly about my belief or lack there of in the past, but it was something I had to get off my chest. I'm so glad and grateful that I have this blog and all of you to help me through these rough times.

I can not believe it has been a full 11 months since this nightmare began. I was so nieve getting admitted into the hospital, being told that if my "condition" gets worse I will have to have an emergency c-setion and that my son may not live. For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with all of those things in this title. I get to the point where I can't function, I can't even sleep. How has it been almost a full year without my son and through all this I remembered yesterday that I completely forgot about Feb 1st. It marks the day that two years ago I lost my first baby and I only noticed it because I scrolled down to the bottom of my blog and saw my tickers. How could I have forgotten about my first precious lost baby? I feel like such a horrible mom.

The fear is driving my insane. It is a fear that stems from almost 4 and a half years of infertility. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant ever again or if I do, will I lose him/her? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I develop Pre-e and HELLP again? These are all the questions that go through my head on a daily basis. I hate the fact that I feel like this, I hate the fact that I even have to worry about those questions, and most of all I hate the fact that I can't just be a normal women who gets pregnant and has a baby. I just feel like such a failure.

Upset and distraught

I have been wanting to write this for some time now and just was not sure if I should. I just can not hold this in any longer it is eating me alive and I have to write it out.

I need to get this part out first because it has to deal with the main part of the story. I don't know how else to say this, so I will just get on with it.

This has been eating at me since we went to Chicago in November. Jonathan and I went to dinner with his brother and wife, so my brother-in-law and sister-and-law. Like always the conversation started about god and religion. Jonathan and I are both Agnostic, we are unsure that there is a god or an intelligent creator. We are just a couple of people who accept everyone for who they are and expect the same. Well, not with them. My brother-in-law especially. He finds every exuse to argue the subjet. In this case he went to far or he put his foot and his mouth and their is absolutely no way I could ever forgive him for this. The discussion came up about loosing a child and my brother-in-law said pretty much that we lost Jasper because we are godless and evil. I was dumb founded and pissed to say the least. He soon after tried to take this statement back and say something different, but the damage is done with me. I know on some level he meant it when he said it, even if he doesn't know. The people in my life know I'm not an evil person. I am a person who will bend over backwards to help them. I treat EVERYONE with respect and dignity as I expect to be treated and this is what I get and from my own family.

I'm usually a very forgiving person, but I don't know how I can forgive my Brother-in-law for saying what he said.

The way I think of things is that if there is a god. I would hope that he would understand why I didn't believe he exsisted. If a god exsists and he is just like he is in the bible, all mean and unforgiving of people like me who are unsure then so be it. Then it is for me to live with. I don't understand why people get so offended by me being agnostic, it's not like I want to change anyone.