Still?

I can't believe I'm still running into people that have no idea what has happened. Two people this week so far. One was my hairstylist. She didn't come out and ask about Japer, but I could tell she was looking around for him so I had to just tell her. The other was today at the book store I ran into a Dr. that has privilages in the hospital that I work at and she asked me about the baby. I didn't even know how she knew I was pregnant at the time of my pregnancy I was working at an out patient rehab facility as a Rehab Tech. I was a bit taken off by that, so yet again I have to explain everything that has happened. At least I didn't have to explain about Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome to her like I normally have to do.

Ready to quit

Well first let me tell you a bit about the situation. I work as a CNA in a 119 bed hospital in a small town in Florida. We usually don't have days like this, but last night I was ready to quite not only because of the situation, but because of some of my co-workers as well. It all started about 8 p.m. I was asked to go into a room with a patient to help her do something the patient was very short of breath and needed my help with something so as she was doing what she needed to do which he needed to be flat for and if you ever have been short of breath the last thing you want to do is be flat on your back, anyhow I was holding the patients hand and just trying to get him to relax while the nurse was doing what needed to be done. Ten minutes later I was in with another patient and I hear that dreaded code call for that patient. I stop what I was doing to go see what I needed to help with and just the site of him being intubated and them breathing for him with the Ambu-bag made me start having flashbacks of getting to the NICU and seeing them work on Jasper with the Ambu-bag. I panicked and started crying. Now, here comes the fucked up part when I was asked what was wrong from a couple of co-workers they just rolled their eyes at me and just walked away one of them had the nerve to say "AWWW shit you need to stop doing this to yourself, your son is up in heaven now" I wanted to tell her what I really thought about that. I just didn't want to start an argument.

I know the whole situation was not about me, but this was the first code I have been a part of since starting back at the hospital. The last time I ever saw a code was when they where coding my son. I think I am aloud to be a bit upset about it. The whole situation about how I was treated by some of my co-workers sucked and I just didn't want to be any where around them any more.

Name in the sky

Thank you so much to Ashley at Babies in the sky for writing Jasper's name in the sky. I absolutely love it. I wish so much I could do something for each of you because you have done so much for me and I have not done anything in return and for that I'm sorry. I do not have an artistic bone in my body and some of the stuff I would have thought of someone else thought of it before I did.

Once apon a time...

In a time that seemed a long time ago. There was a young girl named Lisa. She was just like every other girl who planned her wedding, and dreamed of having a family of her own. She had lots of baby dolls to pretend with and she loved to play with them. She spent lots of time feeding them, changing their clothes, and changing their diapers.
Eventually, that young girl grew up and met her prince charming named Jonathan.
Jonathan and Lisa where engaged for seven years before they got married on Nov 11, 2003. In Sept of 2005 Jonathan and Lisa decided they where going to get serious about starting a family of their very own so Lisa started taking her temperature every morning, checking her cervical mucous, and doing Ovulation prediction tests. Finally, after one year and three months Lisa saw her first positive pregnancy test. Seeing those two lines was the happiest moment because she knew her family was about to begin. Sadly, all her dreams came to a screeching halt on Feb 1, 2007 when she lost their first baby. They did not give up they kept trying to get the family they wanted, but sadly they miscarried their next two babies as well.
Jonathan and Lisa kept trying for that family that they wanted. They went to special doctors, started taking medicine, and Lisa under went alot of tests to see why they where not getting the family they where trying for.
On Sept 30, 2008 Lisa found out she was pregnant once again, but she did not get her hopes up. She thought for sure she will miscarry this baby as well. Much to her surprise the pregnancy tests kept getting darker as was the blood tests that kept doubling like they where supposed to and that has never happened before. Jonathan and Lisa got their hopes up and waited until Oct 20, 2008 to finally see their baby's heart beat for the first time and it was the most beautiful site. Many things happened that scared Jonathan and Lisa during the pregnancy, but everything seemed to be going OK. That was until Feb 26, 2009 when Lisa went for a routine check up with my Hematologist Jonathan and Lisa was told that she needed to get to the hospital to be admitted for observation because her Liver Enzymes where high and Platelet counts where low. They went straight to the hospital where in 24 hours Lisa was diagnosed with mild Pre-eclampsia and need to stay in the hospital until birth for observation. Jonathan and Lisa didn't realize that it would only be a week before their son was born at six and a half months because Lisa developed severe Pre-eclampsia at that point along with HELLP syndrome. Their son only lived for 36 hours he was to small to survive out of his mommy's belly.
Jonathan and Lisa are still waiting for their happy ending.

I wish I could go into the past and tell that little girl that what she was dreaming of is only a fairy tale.

Anger

It has been a while since posting. I have been reading everyone that I follow just been too busy to write anything.

Ever since coming off of Prozac I have been a walking time bomb waiting to go off. When I was on it I honestly don't know how to describe it except for I felt stuck like I could not move on. Being off of it has made me feel again, I'm now able to cry again, get mad about everything that has happened, and just feel like I can be sad again. Prozac just wouldn't let me feel all of these things therefore I don't think I was healing or getting any better, just frozen in time. Does that all make sense?

Will this feeling of being punched in the gut, and anger ever go away every time I see a pregnant women or a baby? I can't deal with this anymore, I don't want to feel like this, but every time I see either I just want to go off screaming, yelling, cursing well you get the picture. I'm also so sick and tired of the media glamorizing celebrity pregnancy. Every time I look at a damn magazine there is a pregnant celeb, one trying to get pregnant, or one with a newborn. I'm SICK of it.

Now, to save the most fucked up for last. There is this young girl that I know and guess what she's pregnant. She is young, she doesn't have a pot to piss in, and get this when asked how she will be able to care for a child, she says (can't remember exactly what she said) something like faith will help her or some shit like that. The last time I checked faith doesn't pay the damn bills, buy diapers or clothes, the last time I checked faith does absolutely nothing for you except give you false hope.

The midnight orange

I have been following a wonderful blog called My Very Own Angel and came across a wonderful artist. Dana makes the most beautiful sculptures and each one of them have a very powerful meaning. Her website is The Midnight Orange
Take a few minutes and check it out.

Pregnancy and infant loss day 2009

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is a special day where we can all recognize the babies we have lost, no matter the cause. Tonight at 7:00 P.M. I will be lighting a candle for each of my children that I have lost. My son Jasper Thomas and the three litte angels that I lost early in the 1st trimester of pregnancy.

Bad news and even more bad news

Well, My first month back trying again is a complete bust. I'm so disappointed even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen. I also found out that I did have HELLP, It's been confirmed and I'm pissed about it this put me and my next baby at great risk, but I will do everything possible for it NOT to happen again.

I have been working so much overtime recently which has been helping me keep my mind off of everything. I have also been falling behind on reading the blogs that I follow and I feel bad about that because everyone here has helped me so much I would like to be able to do the same in return. I have a couple of days off so I will be going back and reading.

September Secret Garden Meeting

“This month we feel that we need to focus on the positive things that have helped us in this journey so far. We know that for some of you it is still very early days and that you may not be able to see any light right now, so that is why we are sharing about things that have helped us the most in the hope that you may see something that has helped someone else that could possibly benefit you”.

There are three things/people that have helped me through this painful and tough journey.

The number one person that has helped me in this new life is my Jonathan. Without him I don’t think I would have ever survived this nightmare. He dragged me back into life kicking and screaming, and he never gave up. He may have gotten upset with me on one or two occasions and I’m glad he did.

Number two would be my blog along with the wonderful women that follow it and the women that I follow. It is bittersweet to find people that understand the pain i'm going through.

Number three is the fertilityfriend website. I joined the site just so that I could do my ovulation charting on-line and not by hand anymore, but when I ventured over to the community I found some wonderful women to talk to and still continue to find wonderful women to talk to even after 2 years.

My Do's and Don'ts

I have seen this done on a few other blogs and decided to make one especially for me, for my situation. I will most likely be adding to this as time goes on. Seeing that the more people I happen to tell or find out about Jasper, the more people will say some stupid shit.

1) I am a mother so recognize me as one. Just because my children are not with me does not mean I should not be recognized.

2) Don’t say that I need to “move on’, I will never “move on” ask yourself would you be able to just “move on” if you lost a child? If that answer is no which I’m sure it will be if you’re not a cold heartless person, then do not tell me too.

3) Do not tell me that god has a plan. Honestly, I don’t care if god has a plan or not. I had a plan and that plan was to love and nurture my child for many years alive. Truthfully, don’t even mention god. The way I feel if there is in fact a god then he is an asshole for taking away my baby. I have lost all my faith in anything spiritual period. Actually, it has been lost for quit some time. This does not make me an Atheist (someone who does not believe in any god), it makes me an agnostic (someone who is unsure of a spiritual being). I have gone through so many bad things that I do have the right to be unsure.

4) If you can’t think of anything to say then don’t say anything, just never say to me that there is a reason, that thing’s happen for a reason. I swear I’m going to flip out the next time someone says that to me.

5) Don’t ask me why I carry around pictures of my son? The answer will ALWAYS be because he IS my son and ALWAYS will be I love him and very proud of him and will ALWAYS show him off even if he is not with me.

6) Don’t just ignore me when I talk about my pregnancy, I was pregnant for six and a half months. I want to talk about my pregnancy I felt my son kick, I gave birth to him.

7) Please if you can’t think of anything to say, just say I’m sorry for your loss and stop there.

8) Ask me about my son, I do want to talk about him. Just because he is not with me
doesn't mean he wasn't real.

9) Don't just ignore the subject because you think I will get hurt, it hurts more when you ignore him.

...More to come (I'm sure).