A bit off topic and a prayer request

I wanted to go a bit off topic and tell you something that I am so proud of. As of this month I have been smoke free for 9 years. Wow! It seems like yesterday I quite smoking. I quit for the benefit of my future children. I knew I didn't want to smoke when I got pregnant.

I also wanted to ask you guys to please pray for a women who had a really bad day today. I really don't know anything about her. It was just this morning a Preacher could not figure out how to get into the OB section of the hospital I work at and he mentioned that he had to get in there because of a women having a still born. It took everything in my power not to start crying for her then and there and rush in and comfort her, but I couldn't because of all the privacy laws. I don't know her name or anything. I just thought she would need some prayers from women who have lived and survived this horrible trauma of losing a child.

I've been tagged

It's my first time getting tagged and this sounds like so much fun!

Here are the rules to this tag:
1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (I was tagged by Ashley at http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com. Thank you Ashley!!)
2. List 6 little things that make you happy.
3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it".

1. My husband Jonathan He is the most amazing person. I don't know what I would ever do without him.

2. My angel Jasper He means the world to me. There is not anything I wouldn't have done or would do for him. I'm truly blessed to be his mommy and I'm blessed for every minute I got to share with him while he was in my tummy and after he was born.

3. My Family They are the ones who made me into what I am today.

4. Traveling I'm the type of person who likes to just get up and go. As a child we never got to travel, so now I use every opportunity to travel.

5. Reading It is my only way to escape reality.

Special thanks to Carly, Lea, and Bree

I can not express how much I love Jasper's name in the sand, Jasper's angel wings, and Jasper's butterfly. I feel very blessed that I have them all. I smile every time I look at each of them and to know that other's have recognized my sweet angel Jasper makes me a truly happy mommy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Random Thoughts

1) I'm having such a hard time figuring out how to be this new person. "The person that has a baby that is no longer with her". Every time I think about having to be this new person I get so enraged, sad, and depressed that I just want to curl up in a little ball on my bed and never leave it.

2) I'm always thinking Why me? Why did I get Pre-e? Why my baby?

3) I had this though just earlier today, but I was thinking when I showed my OB the pathology report from Jasper's placenta and she saw that they had found a large Subchorionic Hematoma (blood clot)did she go back and look at the ultrasounds from the last couple of months to see if she missed it. I'm also wondering how not one but two doctors, one of them being a high risk doctor missed such a large blood clot in the placenta.

4) I just wish I knew that next time I get pregnant that all of this will not be a repeat. I wish their was some kind of guarantee I will get my baby that I get to take care of that I have always wanted.

What a week

The week I had is a complete nightmare. Monday started out like any other week and that is going to work except I was still sick and getting worse. I have been coughing for the past three weeks and nothing is working on it.

Tuesday gets worse my sinuses felt like they were going to explode so I finally call my doctor and the only time they have for me is Wed so I took it. That's not all that happened on Tuesday. I was at work and one of my co-workers ended up bringing her 1 year old daughter to work because she was off. I work in a hospital and right now I'm working with Physical therapy and I happened to be on the floor she came to. I was in a room with the patient and I can hear her and her daughter in the hall and I froze. The therapist I was with asked me to go get the walker and some linen so that I could set up a chair for the patint to sit in and I couldn't move. I even started crying and had to tell him that I could not go out there right now because of our co-worker that brought up her daughter. There is a very long story about all of this and one day I may be able to write about it, but not today. I really didn't think I would be like that.

Wednesday I went to the Doctor and find out I have sinusitis and have to go on antibiotics and will have to be out of work that day. I'm just glad that I didn't have to be at the hospital when another one of my co-workers had her baby. I really hate hearing the lullabye that they play on the speaker system when a baby is born.

Thursday I ended up back at work and feeling a little bit better. I was getting money out of my locker to go to lunch when another co-worker walks in with her son on her hip. I stood there like a deer in headlights I didn't know whether to cry, run, or both. She came right over to me and held out her son to take him and I did. The whole time I was holding her son I couldn't help, but to think about Jasper and everything that I will miss out on. It was nice to hold and play with her son. It just felt natural and very saddening to know I will not get to do all of that with Jasper. So, I figured I made it through that I can make it through going to OB and congratulating my co-worker whom just had a baby girl. I was only there for about thirty seconds (Yes, I counted) I went in said congrats! gave her a hug, looked at the baby and left. I knew she wouldn't mind such a short visit.

Friday, Another day back at work at least it's Friday and payday. Anyway my co-worker was being discharged and I wanted to say bye to her because I won't see her when she comes back to work because I'm transferring back to be be a CNA (certified nurses assistant) and can't wait to do so. This time I went in there and two other co-workers are there so I have to wait to say bye to her. Finally, I got my turn and I left when everyone was swooning over the new bundle of joy. This time was just to much for me and I started crying. Luckily nobody asked me what was wrong. I just think they knew.

Clothing drive in Jasper's name

I wanted to come up with a way to help other babies that are born to early and have to live in the NICU. I thought about it for a while and I came up with a clothing drive in Jasper's name and donate it to the NICU where Jasper spent his life. I really haven't got all the details together yet and i'm still trying to come up with a poster or flyer and starting another blog for it. I plan on bringing the stuff I get to the NICU on Jasper's Birthday. If anyone has any ideas or knows anyone that might be able to help me with ideas. Comment or email me at jasperthomas@live.com thank you.

I can't believe people think like this

I was showing someone the pics of Jasper on my phone today and this person actually said to me Oh, you are a mommy you had a real baby. I was like yes I know i'm a mommy. I did have to gave birth to him even though it was too early and he died in my arms. I didn't know what else to say. I was at work and it was a patient so I couldn't get mad enough to say something and get fired. I'm so sick of people thinking my Jasper wasn't a real baby. She was not the first and I doubt she will be the last.

I feel like i'm going to get sick.....

to my stomach with anger. I have been doing some research and this nightmare is starting to look like DR. error. I got my pathology report from Jasper's placenta and everything was normal except for one thing it appears that I had a large subchorionic hemmorage. Which means I had a blood clot in the placenta.

I was diagnosed with Factor V Lieden a blood clotting disorder after having my 3rd miscarriage and that meant that I would have to be on Lovenox during the duration of my pregnancy. For the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy everything was going great Jasper was measuring only few days behind so really nothing to worry about. At my 18th week ultrasound Jasper was measuring 1 week behind so my high risk doctor said we did not need to worry about it yet, and I believed her. By my 22 week utlrasound Jasper was measuring 2 weeks behind. I was also seeing a hematologist that specializes in pregnancy and he kept reassuring me that I did not have to increase my lovenox dosage. I was alway told that I would need double my dose about the 2nd half of the pregnancy. He said I didn't need to based on my weight which I didn't understand because I gained 30 pounds by the time I hit 20 weeks. I know in my heart that my dose should have doubled.

According to the research I have been doing is that the subchorionic hemmorage depending on the size can cause IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction) which makes me think because my dose wasn't doubled with the growing placenta, and mama caused Jasper to grow very slowly. Also, some of the research I read stated that taking the proper dosage of Lovenox could possibly have prevented pre-eclampsia.

Another thing about all of this that is really upsetting me is that I had an ultrasound every two weeks by my OB and high risk doctor and this large subchorionic hemmorage was not found and I know they looked the placenta.

My wonderful Jonathan has talked to a lawyer and he said that here in Florida that Dr.s are so well protected against malpractice that we will never find a lawyer to take our case. I honestly don't know how I can ever let this go.

Four months

Today has been four months since I have given birth to my precious angel Jasper. It is all still to hard that all of this is real. I just want him back in my arms where he belongs. I often think about him and wonder what it would have been like if this nighmare wasn't real. I visualize him in his room watching him sleep, feeding him, changing his clothes, bathing him all of the things that I have to miss out on. I can't believe how much I have to miss out on.