Empty arms and a heavy heart

I had a pretty tough night two nights ago. I was at work (I work as a CNA at a hospital) and I was sent to the ER to work. I can't even count how many pregnant women came into the ER last night. I did not even want to know what they where there for. The worst part was about 2:30 in the morning when in walks a new mom with her new baby. The baby had a cold. I couldn't even go near the baby without wanting cry and I did. I was cleaning the bed in the next station over and listening to her making baby talk, just making all the sounds that a baby makes. I felt my heart sink and suddenly my arms became so heavy. I want my baby back with me and in my arms.

Another month and Waterfall Angels

Well, yet another month and nothing. I thought for sure I had a shadow of a line about 5 days ago, but I guess not. Now, it is back to clomid time. I wish it didn't have to come to this because I hate myself when I'm on clomid. Oh well, it's all for the greater good.

I also want to introduce my newest blog Waterfall Angels. I'm still working on some of the details of the blog, but I have already put the names I have already done. I can not wait to get started on writing some more names. It makes me happy to do something so special for angel mommies. I have also made a facebook page as well Waterfall Angels

Thank you

I wanted to give a special thank you to Katy for making Jasper this beautiful plaque. I already have it hanging next to my desk. I absolutely love the scripture as well. Thank you so very much.

My project

Just a quick post. I stared working on my not so little project. So far I have written and taken pictures of 15 angel's names for 12 different mommies. This is just a small portion of the names that I have written down and ready to go. I know first hand how we all love to see our angels names written in different ways. I did cry while working on them, it is just so sad. I will be posting the pics on a different blog or some other way. I don't want to take away from my precious Jasper's blog.

My poor husband

Today we went to the mall to do a little bit of shopping and we where in Kmart checking out when I told him I had to use the ladies room and I will be right back. I got up to the front of the store where he was watching a little girl, she was not listening to her mom at all. Jonathan and I walked out and he started laughing and said "That little girl just didn't want to listen to her mama." I snapped at him and didn't mean to. I said "you know what I just don't fucking care." The poor look on his face. I felt so bad. I just don't want to talk about any kids. I told him that and he said "That one day we will have a child either on our own or through adoption." Well, I started bawling. We should not be saying this in future tense. It should be the present. We should be parent's to Jasper. We are parents to Jasper, just not in the way we want to be. It is just not fair.

99 things

A couple of other fellow blogger's Kristy and Rikki did this and thought I would join in the fun.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog! I am changing what I have done to black as the bold doesn't show up well with the colour scheme on my blog.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

A song, and a couple of udates

I can't believe I forgot about this song. I used to sing it all the time when I was pregnant with Jasper. I heard it again just a little bit ago and had a meltdown. I miss him so much.



Well, I finally got my pos OPK and officially in the two week wait. I hate the fact that my cycles are so off, the fact that if I don't do those stupid OPK's and temp I will never know when I ovulate. As far as taking a HPT I have know idea when I will. I tested very early with Jasper about a week before I missed my period, so it is just a matter of not letting my obsession with peeing on a stick get to me.

UPDATE: my little project to write everyone's angel's name is still in the works. Due to the recent very cold weather here in Florida. It has been down in the 40's here during the day and 20's at night for the past two weeks and will continue for at least the next week. I have to put it on hold at least until it get's warmer because I have to go to the springs to do my project. That is the only hint I will spill.

OPK RANT!!!!

I keep forgetting that this blog is also for my tireless journey through Infertility and hopes for a living Rainbow baby.

*Disclaimer I will be using harsh language*

I'm so sick and fucking tired of OPK's. I really don't even know why I continue to use them. I'm currently on cd 20 and the fucking ovulation test will be almost pos one day, then fucking full fledge negative the next. I mean come on I know I have fucked up cycles, but this is getting ridiculous. This was never like this before Jasper. They would gradually get darker until it was postitve. I hope this in not some start to a new fucking problem, because right now I can not handle any new fucking problems. I can not help to wonder why I can not just be normal in the sense that I can get pregnant, have a trouble free pregnancy, and a happy healthy baby? Nope, instead I am to watch everyone else get their dreams while I sit back and watch. It's like the universe is saying on big fuck you to me. I will not sit back and watch quietly, I will do everything in my power to be able to give the universe my middle finger back and say. HA! I fucking beat you. AAAAAAAAHH! Much better at least for now.

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST

I found this and thought I would share. I just changed it with Jasper's name.

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST
I wish Jasper hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. Jasper lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Jasper, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Jasper's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Jasper; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my Jasper's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of Jasper until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss Jasper and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When Jasper died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before Jasper died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I hope that you will never understand.