Guilt and Heartache

The guilt hit me today like double edged sword to the heart. While at work today I was looking at my pics of Jasper that I have on my phone and as I was looking at them I started to hyperventilate. As I was looking at my sweet helpless son I remembered that he was a healthy baby when he was safe in my womb and then it hit me. It was because of me that he had to be born so early. I know I couldn't help or even prevent getting severe Pre-eclampsia, but it just makes me sick with guilt that he was healthy and I was not. Jasper had to be born way to early because his mommy could have died, but instead my son's life was taken. I can't believe my sickness caused my son's death. I don't think this guilt will ever fade.

Under the tree

Hair Color: Strawberry blonde

Eye color: Blue/Grey

Profession: Rehab Tech

Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:

Favorite color: Aqua Blue

Favorite movie: Twilight

Favorite animal: Orca (Killer Whale)and frogs

Favorite store: American Eagle

Favorite childhood memory: Climbing trees

Favorite hobby: Reading

Favorite song/singer: Muse

Favorite book/author: The Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer

Favorite school subject: Geology

Favorite vacation destination: Alaska

Favorite food: Mexican food

Favorite restaurant: Angelo's

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Diet Pepsi

Beer or wine: Neither

Coffee or tea: Neither

Apple Juice or O.J.: O.J.

Summer or Winter: Winter

Cats or dogs: Cats

Salty or sweet: A little bit of both

Plane or boat: Plane

Morning or night: Night

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: Dinner

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: House

Like to cook: No, but I can

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Yes

Wished you were someone else: Yes, I have

Cried during a movie: Always

Describe yourself in one word: Sad

Biggest fear: I've already lived my biggest fear losing my son and I fear losing another baby

Biggest mistake: Agreeing to the emergency c-section. I still have those what If questions

Your proudest accomplishment: Not breaking down every time I leave the house

Dream job: Stay at home mommy

Special talents: I'm a great actress and I can pretty much make anyone laugh under the right circumstances

Where would you rather be at the moment: I would like to be back in Chicago

Famous person you want to meet: I can't choose between Hillary Clinton or Barbara Walters

Song to be played at your funeral: I would die for that by Kellie coffey

Father's day

Jonathan was happy to be recognized as a father today, but he is so sad that Jasper is not here to share this day with him. I got him a very beautiful card that says: On Father's Day A wish for you straight from the heart Because your though about this father's day and always. I signed it from Jasper and I. I also got him a little plaque with a teddy bear on it and that says: You deserve a bear hug! Because your the best! I spent the day wishing I could give him a child that stays with us here on earth some day.

My wonderful Jonathan

Just a short post today. I wanted to say how wonderful my husband Jonathan is and how much I love him. He has done something wonderful. Jonathan bought me a stuffed female cardinal it came in the mail today. If you read my last post, Jasper sent me a wonderful hello through a cardinal.

Jasper's sweet hello to his Mommy

I can't believe I forgot to post this story when it happened. I have had so much on my mind recently. Jasper came to say hello to me Tuesday June 2, 2009 in the form of a Cardinal which happens to be my favorite bird. I was sitting in my car before work reading a book when a beautiful Cardinal (female though) landed on the hood of my car walked up to the window right in front of me and started pecking at the window lightly while staring at me. I felt in my heart it was Jasper. It was so amazing like I knew that my son was watching out for me and he needed me to know that.

Jasper's "official" due date 6/13/2009

Today was a very hard day. It marks the end of my pregnancy, and when Jasper's life should have started. Jonathan and I spent the day remembering Jasper's short life that he lived and the life he should have had. We took a trip up to Gainesville, Florida (an hour away from home) where Jasper was born to build him a bear from Build A Bear Workshop. I made a promise to Jasper when he was still living in my womb that I would make him a bear, so to memorialize Jasper's due date that is what I decided to do. When we got there, I was very grateful that there were not that many kids there. I guess somebody was looking out for me there. Jonathan and I looked over the bears and I originally picked out a different bear when we were walking up to the girl to make him we both saw him the one we got he reminded us of jasper so much, especially in the face. When the girl was done stuffing him she told me to pick out a heart, this was my first time at build a bear so I had no idea. I picked out a heart and she had me do their little ritual (I cried, she probably thought I was crazy) that they do. It was something like (I do not remember if I am right) rub it on your head for memory, rub it on your nose for (I do not remember that one), rub it on your heart for love, kiss it, make a wish then put it in the bear. Next, we picked out his clothes and then made him a birth certificate.

Jasper bear's birth certificate and picture of him:

I can't believe this is happening

I can't believe this is supposed to be a time when I should be holding my beautiful son in my arms and loving every minute I have with him. I can't believe Saturday is Japser's "official" due date it just feels like I lost him yesterday. Jon and I do have a special day planned on Saturday. We are going to go to build a bear workshop and finally get to make him his teddy bear that I promised him when he was still living in my womb. I can't believe we were so close to having everything we ever wanted and it was ripped away. For what? I can't believe that there is a god so cruel that he/she would take an innocent child away from two parents that love him so much and that can take care of him. WHY? and I don't believe that god had a plan for my son "to be taken away from me" I don't think so. UGH! I'm just so pissed off right now and rightfully so.