A Journey to see a Specialist

I finally got to see the specialist in North Carolina, but before I write about what was said in that appointment we had lots of fun that I want to write about first. We started our journey on Thursday afternoon. We first started driving to Ohio to go to a youtube Atheist gathering. We started our journey in the afternoon because I was sick for a few days before hand and wasn’t able to pack until I woke up in the morning. We drove for 10 hours before we decided to get a hotel for the night in Statesville, North Carolina. We got up about six in the morning and were back on the road around seven. The drive from Statesville to Columbus was absolutely beautiful. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains and there are no words to describe the beauty. I have so many wonderful pictures, but I will have to Photoshop them because there was no way Jonathan would stop every 5 minutes for me to get a picture so I had to take them from the car and driving in the summer equals bugs on windshield.

We had a blast in Ohio. We stayed there for two nights Friday and Saturday and left to Durham on Sunday morning. The two nights in Ohio was the best two nights I have had since losing Jasper. I can’t even explain it, but I will try. During those two nights I got drunk and I think the best thing about it is that nobody knew about Jasper. I did tell one women about him because she asked about my charms on my necklace. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to talk about him, I did. It’s just I took a step back and focused on having fun and not obsessing about everything that I have lost, but just decided to have fun. I didn’t even realize just how much time I spend obsessing about losing Jasper and trying to conceive Jasper’s sister or brother that I forget to have fun. I almost forgot about one of the greatest parts of being in Ohio. We went to the science museum and went to the Titanic Exhibition. I absolutely never thought I would ever see it and I did. It was amazing! Seeing those artifacts that were lying on the ocean floor for 60+ years, well there are no words. We got to touch a piece of the Titanic and there was a room that was filled with stars, had a large piece of ice (iceberg), and it was freezing and eerily quiet. The atmosphere of the room was supposed to simulate how it was the night the Titanic sank. I have read a lot of books about the titanic, but to see it was, priceless.

Driving to Durham, North Carolina we went through the same mountain range we did on the way out and still breathtaking. We got to Durham and our next hotel at about six in the evening. We found the best Italian Restaurant and had dinner. We had a free day on Monday so we decided to go to The Streets at South Point mall and it was huge. We spent all day there looking around and of course shopping and spent our night swimming in the pool at the hotel.

Now, the major point of this trip was to see the high risk specialist that specializes in blood clotting disorders. It was Dr. J, and internist, and a Geneticist that where all in the room and it was a bit intimidating. We started off going through my history with miscarriages and the events that happened during the time I was pregnant with Jasper. She talked about my risks because of my Homozygous Factor V and was very surprised I never developed a blood clot when I was taking birth control or smoking. She said that because I had such a high risk for clotting and the fact that Jasper had such a large clot in his placenta that it would be a good idea for me to start Lovenox 40 mg a day pre-conception and then once we hear a viable heartbeat then I would start Lovenox twice a day based on my weight. We also talked about my risk for getting Pre-eclampsia and HELLP again and sadly we do not have good news there. She said based on the gestational age I was when I got it (24 weeks), the fact that I have an underlying condition, and the fact that Jasper had severe IUGR. My risks are elevated to 75% chance that it will happen again, but the chances are lowered due to the fact that I will be on Lovenox early enough. She even said with women who get pre-e the problem started when the placenta was implanting in the uterus. She said that with the early treatment of the Lovenox could help, but it is still a roll of the dice and you never know what could happen. She also went through my other options such as surrogacy and adoption, but I told her we are not ready to go that route yet. She did say that she would tell me if it was in fact to dangerous to get pregnant and she has told people that they should not even try or if they got pregnant that they should abort the baby due to such high risk to the mother, but she did not say that about me and she said that. She said my risks where manageable with Lovenox. I did talk to her about my job and she couldn’t tell me to quit my job and get a new one, but she did stress that having a high stress job like mine lots of waking, pushing, pulling, lifting, and bending could be harmful in pregnancy and could impact the blood flow to the placenta. She couldn’t legally tell me that it would be a good idea to switch jobs, but I understand what she was saying. When I was pregnant with Jasper I was working in an out-patient rehab at the time and it required me to be on my feet all day long and I was always cramping up which I thought to be normal. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing all that, but I never in a million years thought I was harming Jasper. That is pretty much it. I am still waiting to hear from my Hematologist about when I should start the Lovenox, but if he doesn’t call me by the end of next week I will call him.

Jealousy and Fear

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy." - Wikipedia

Jealousy is the next strongest emotion next to grief at least for me it is. Some people are lucky enough to be able to hide this emotion, but some like me can not. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let things get to me, that I shouldn't be jealous. These are all people who don't have the first clue what it is like to live with years of infertility, failed pregnancies, and the loss of a child. I also don't understand why people get so offended when someone is jealous of them? I mean someone being jealous of you is kind of flattering in a way, right? They say that living your life being jealous of everyone that has a kid, and can get pregnant easily and by easily I mean it doesn't take a year or more to get pregnant is bad for you. Why? Why is it bad for you exactly? For me it makes me try harder to get what I want. To have a child that is my goal. I will do it, I will one day have a child, a living child. The truth is even when I do get what I want the jealousy will still be there. I will always be jealous of women who get pregnant easily, can have a problem free pregnancy, and that get to have multiple children. The effects of infertility and infant loss will never go away. I will live with this forever.

I am having lots of fears about going to see this specialist in North Carolina. I'm so afraid about what she is going to be telling me. I go see her in 10 days and the fear is getting stronger with each passing day. The one thing I'm pretty sure she is going to tell me that I will have to go on Lovenox while we are trying. I'm ready for that and I'm prepared to hear that. I keep having these fears that she is going to tell me that I will need to quit my job and go on bed rest for the whole nine months. Personally, I wouldn't mind it I would do anything to bring home a full term live baby. The problem is we get our health insurance through my job without it we would be SCREWED. Jonathan works from home and if we were to get private insurance we would have absolutely no money to live on at all. I could talk to her about maybe taking a less stressful job, like a sit down clerical job during my pregnancy or something that doesn't require so much walking, lifting and bending. I guess I will just have to see what she says and take it from there.