Yesterday, was very hard. It was my first day back at work and Jasper’s should be 2 month Birthday. I was so scared to go back to work that I could not sleep on Sunday night. It was so hard to leave Jonathan. He has been my rock through out all of this, without him I don’t think I could have survived the death of our son. I cried most of the way to the hospital where I work. I cried walking through the parking lot. It got worse when I walked through the door that just happened to be the door right next to the Maternity part of the hospital and there were people in the waiting room with a baby. I cried a lot yesterday, when I talked to my boss, when I told people about Jasper, the four times they played the song over the loud speaker when a baby is born. I can’t believe I made it through that first day.
Today, was more of a challenge because a girl that is pregnant was working today and it was very hard to see her baby bump. I can’t help being jealous of pregnant women and women with babies because they have everything I’ve wanted for so long. I spent a lot of time today talking about Jasper and answering questions about everything that has happened. It was very hard talking so much about the past eight months, but the more I talked about everything the easier it got to talk about, to a point. I’m no where near being comfortable being back at work, but it’s nice to know that I work with better people at the hospital then the people I worked with at the out patient facility; even though it is very hard to work with so many new mom’s.