Poppy

Imagine my surprise when Jon agreed to trying to have another baby. I mean how could he not? We make some beautiful babies, but that's besides the point. We just started trying in November and got the shock of our lives when we got pregnant on the first cycle. Yes, you read that right the first cycle! When it took us 4 years and 3 miscarriages to get Jasper and then another 2 years to get Samuel I would have been thrilled if we had another baby by the time I was 40.

At first I didn't even believe it. I didn't even miss my period yet and I was already so nauseated that I had to eat something almost all the time or had something to drink to try and keep it at bay. Some of my co-workers kept saying it, but I just thought they were crazy. There was absolutely no way that I could get pregnant so fast.

I finally got up enough courage to go get a test on December 13th. I went to the store to get the tests thinking what a waste of money it was because there was no way I was pregnant. I got home and peed on the darn stick and imagine my surprise when the line showed up right away. I was so beyond happy. I nicknamed my baby Poppy.

Everything was going great and I was eagerly waiting to see my Poppy's little heart beat. Little did I know that that would never happen. On the 21st I saw a very scant amount of blood. I got a little freaked out, but I had the very same thing with Samuel so I brushed it off. On the 22nd I had a little more and that is when I had some cramping on my left side and I even brushed that off until the 23rd when I had more blood. I called the OB's office told them about the cramping on my left side with the bleeding and they told me to get to the ER. I personally didn't believe it was ER worthy so I talked them into sending me to out patient diagnostics for an ultrasound and they agreed to it.

I got there and went in back with Jon and Samuel. I watched while she did the ultrasound on my belly knowing that it would be way to early to see anything that way. Next came the oh so pleasant dildo cam were I was unable to see anything and Jon was clueless as to what he was looking at. After all was said and done I was forced to wait in the lobby for someone to read the ultrasound to make sure Poppy was not ectopic. Minutes felt like hours until the tech came back out and said the Dr. that read the US wanted me to go to the ER for further tests because they found some free fluid in my left tube and they suspected an ectopic pregnancy.

As we walked to the ER for me to get signed in I was freaking out. My biggest fear was being rushed into an emergency surgery to remove my baby from my tube. A couple hours went by and it was time for Samuel to eat so I sent Jon home to feed him and hopefully let him get a nap. Soon after they left I was called back and put into a room. The nurse came in asked me some questions and left. I don't know how much time past when the Dr finally came in and told me one of the OB's came in to read the US and it was the corpus luteum cyst that burst and that I still had another one on my right side to sustain the pregnancy. I wanted to believe her and maybe some part of me tried to, but after I heard that the cyst burst I knew my little poppy was in danger. The corpus luteum cyst is what sustains the pregnancy with progesterone until the placenta can take over at about 8-9 weeks. I was only in week 5-6.

I left the ER and they told me to follow-up with my OB on Thursday the day after Christmas just to make sure everything was going alright. I had to switch days around at work so I could have Thursday off so I ended up having to work Christmas day. On Christmas eve I had a bit more bleeding and on Christmas day I started to miscarry my little poppy. It was confirmed with another blood test on Thursday.

I am just so damn mad that this happened. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? Not that I want it to happen to anyone else. Not that I want anyone else to have this pain. But I don't understand why my body has to fail me yet again! At least I can say now that I have moved from denial to the anger part of the grief process.