Flashback to Innocence

Tonight as I was giving Samuel a bath I gave myself a break from toddler radio and was listening to some 90's pop radio on Pandora. We where having a blast. I was singing and dancing around and Samuel was laughing. I was just happy that he was having so much fun, but then all of a sudden I was hit with a ton of emotion. There should be a 4 year old in the tub with Samuel. He should be laughing and getting up and dancing with me and maybe even trying to sing along. I hate that it just hits me like this. In the most happy moments then....BAM! Slap across the face with the what should have beens. Then I start thinking back to the 90's when I was so innocent to this life. The life of a baby loss mommy and I miss those days. I am sad at the fact that for the rest of my life I will be plagued by the what should have beens.

Worlds worst blogger....

But you can't exactly blog when you have so much to say and just can't get it in writing. I am going to try and blog about one thing at a time instead of cramming it all into one post.

The most important will come first and that is Samuel. Can you believe he is 15 months already? I sure can't. It feels like yesterday I had him. He is starting to get around pretty well now. Some of you may know, but for months now we have been struggling because he is so far behind his peers. We are now moving onto the next step which will be Early Intervention. We did go to occupational therapy, but our wonderful health care insurance (insert sarcasm here) only allowed 6 visits including the eval and if refusing to pay for any more. They wrote on his eval today that he is delayed in fine and gross motor skills and decreased motor planning skills so that is what we are working on. He passed vision and hearing. He just barely passed the speech so we will come back to that in 6 months to see how he is progressing with that. Our 6 month goals are for him to start crawling, pulling up to a standing position and hopefully take a few steps or I will be happy with 1 step, and for him to start using his hands to feed himself. It has also taken me some time and at times I still have to convince myself that his delay's are not my fault. I have done and am doing everything I can to get him back on the right track.

I am trying to rely on the monkey see monkey do method and letting him go to daycare once a week to be around other babies. I am both excited and sad that he likes it so much that he doesn't even cry when I leave him with total strangers. I am hoping that it is not a red flag that he doesn't cry when I leave him and seems to be comfortable with strangers. I am also a little worried that he got so sick the first couple of times he went and it was to the point that I had to give him Antibiotics and I hated every last second I had to give it to him.