It didn't mean for it to be this long before I posted again, but I can't seem to write down what I am feeling. I'm still not sure if I can, so all I can do is try.
I go through my days in a foggy haze of depression. I don't ever feel like doing anything except for reading and playing my facebook games. I do manage every once in a while to do other things besides going to work because I have to do that. I would go back or I need to go back on Prozac, but that would put an end to TTC a brother or sister for Jasper. Jonathan refuses to TTC while I am on that becasue of the potential risk of birth defects. I don't blame him I honestly thought we would have another baby by now. But we haven't even had so much of a glimmer of anything despite the perfect timing and all.
Sometimes I wonder why Jonathan even stays with me. He doesn't deserve having a wife that can't give him what he wants (a child). I have talked to him about it, but he gets all mad saying that I shouldn't say something so stupid that if "You can't have a child neither can I." If it where reversed and he was the one with the issue I would never be able to leave him over it. I just wish......I just wish I was "normal".
I never did come here and write down about Jasper's birthday and Angelversary this year. We didn't really do to much this year. The only thing that made this year super special is that my mom got to come down to Florida this year and spent the first two weeks of March with us. I was able to make Jasper's bear this year at Build-A-Bear. I wasn't able to do it on his Birthday, but I was able to make his bear a few weeks ago. We live in a very small area and the nearest Build-A-Bear is 50 miles away.
Well, my SIL and BIL had their daugher in March and I couldn't care less. Yes, this is the same SIL and BIL who said that we lost Jasper because we are not Christian or that he would have been evil. Ever since that day I have not spoken to them at all and truthfully never want to again. I told Jonathan it was up to him if he wanted to continue speaking to his brother I would never ever get in between them. But I do not want anything to do with either of them. Some people would say that I am being childish and maybe on some level I am, but I don't care. I will choose who I want in my life and I don't want them in it for many reasons not just the ones I have said and I won't bore you with the rest of the story.
- Lisa and Jonathan
- Jonathan and I where both born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. We met on May 5, 1996 and have been together since May 7, 1996 when he finally asked me out. We finally got married on Nov 11, 2003. After we got married, we did the whole not officially trying, but not preventing until Sept 2005 when we got serious about having a family. Fast forward to one year and four months, that is when we finally saw our first BFP on a pee stick. Sadly, at 5w 6d we had our first of 3 miscarriages on Feb 1, 2007, our 2nd miscarriage was on Nov 12, 2007 at 5w 1d, our 3rd miscarriage was May 3, 2008 at 4w 2d, and we just recently lost our rainbow baby Jasper on March 6, 2009 due to early onset severe Preeclampsia, HELLP, and severe IUGR.
