My answer to question #3

First, I would like to say Thank you to Sarita for asking me a question. I’m sorry I forgot to thank you in the post that I answered your question in.

Holly from Caring for Carleigh asked me:

“Do you and your hubby have any big plans for this next year?”

The only big plans that I have absolutely made so far is to take a road trip up to Chicago to see my family. The only other plans that I do have is to hopefully get pregnant and bring home a live and healthy baby, but I guess that is more of a goal. I almost forgot I do have another plan and that is to start cosmetology school. I did plan on starting this year, but I was too late for the class and it was already full.

Thank you, Holly for asking me a question.

My answer to question #2

I didn’t forget to answer the rest of the questions. I guess I’m just hoping that the longer I stall then maybe I will get more questions to answer. If you would still like to ask me a question you still can. You can put you question in the comment section below.

Sarita from One Perfect Rose asked me:

“Has Jasper sent you any signs? I know some people see butterflies, ladybugs, etc, that remind them of their babies. Some people find pennies that they believe are sent by their loved ones.”

Yes, I did get what I believe on some kind of level to be a sign from Jasper. I’m sure everyone or most of you know that I am an Atheist and don’t believe in spirits or an afterlife, but I did have a very interesting experience with a cardinal that makes me want to believe it was Jasper stopping by to say hello to his mommy.
It was not too soon after I started going back to work after my 6 weeks of leave to recover from my C-section. On this day I got to work early so I decided to sit in my car and read until it was time to go in. As I was reading I noticed some movement right in front of me and looked up to see a female Cardinal standing on my windshield wiper and just looking at me. I kept watching her and all of a sudden she was pecking at my window and I just let her do it. I didn’t have the heart to make her go away and it wasn’t like she was hurting the window or in danger of breaking it. This continued for a couple of minutes and then she just flew off. I was just so happy for the rest of that day. You can read the original post I made about it here.
I know there are probably a dozen logical explanations as to why she was pecking at my windshield. A heart believes what it wants to believe and I want to believe that it was my Jasper coming to say “Hi, Mommy.”

My answer to question #1

I will be answering each question one by one in separate posts. If you still want to ask me a question please feel free to ask away. You can post your question in the comment section of this post or on the original post here.

Sarah from My thoughts, my world asked me:

“Hey Sweetie I hope this question doesn’t make you upset or anything, though its one that I seem to ask a lot of baby lost mum's

If you could say one thing to another angel mum to help ease their pain what would if be and why?”

Sarah, I first wanted to say that this question did not upset me at all. This is a really good question and has left me thinking for days.

After days of thinking about this and thinking about what I would want said to me. I don’t think there is any one thing you can say to a baby lost mom to help ease their pain. The only thing that makes sense and that comes to mind is “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You are not alone.”

After losing Jasper I have known two people that I worked with that have lost a baby later in pregnancy and both of them where very different then most of the other baby lost mothers I have ever met. These women were very personal in their tragedy and didn’t want to talk about their babies or the grief they felt so I respected that. I just let them know if they ever needed to talk I was there to listen whenever they needed.

Thank you Sarah for asking me a question.

Questions and Answers

It has been a while since I have done a questions and answers post so here it goes. You can ask me any type of question that you want. It can be personal, about Jasper or baby loss, or Infertility and I will answer them. Just type your question or questions in the comment section below.

Everything happens for a reason...

I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.

18 months...

First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.

I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born.

I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.

A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.

Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Broken Record

I know I haven't been blogging that much, but I just hate sounding like a broken record all the time. It seems like every time I blog it is always the same stuff. Once I would just like to come here and blog about some good news. I wish that time is now, but unfortunately it's not.

I thought for sure last cycle was it. I was so sure that I was going to get a BFP that when I tested and got a BFN I was in shock. I really thought it was a bunk test so I retested two days later and it was a BFN. I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen soon that it will be next cycle, but how many cycles do I have to go through already. I'm not a patient person never have never will be.

It has been almost 18 months since this nightmare started and I still wonder if I had refused to let them take Jasper when they did. What would have happened? They claim I would have died if they didn't get him out when they did, but I will never know if that is true or not. I'm still very skeptical about it and I guess I always will be. I wonder if the doctors where just trying to avoid a law suit or where they really acting in my best interest.

I hope to one day post something positive.