Questions and Answers

It has been a while since I have done a questions and answers post so here it goes. You can ask me any type of question that you want. It can be personal, about Jasper or baby loss, or Infertility and I will answer them. Just type your question or questions in the comment section below.

Everything happens for a reason...

I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.

18 months...

First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.

I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born.

I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.

A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.

Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Broken Record

I know I haven't been blogging that much, but I just hate sounding like a broken record all the time. It seems like every time I blog it is always the same stuff. Once I would just like to come here and blog about some good news. I wish that time is now, but unfortunately it's not.

I thought for sure last cycle was it. I was so sure that I was going to get a BFP that when I tested and got a BFN I was in shock. I really thought it was a bunk test so I retested two days later and it was a BFN. I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen soon that it will be next cycle, but how many cycles do I have to go through already. I'm not a patient person never have never will be.

It has been almost 18 months since this nightmare started and I still wonder if I had refused to let them take Jasper when they did. What would have happened? They claim I would have died if they didn't get him out when they did, but I will never know if that is true or not. I'm still very skeptical about it and I guess I always will be. I wonder if the doctors where just trying to avoid a law suit or where they really acting in my best interest.

I hope to one day post something positive.

Guilt

The guilt that I have from losing Jasper never really goes away, but sometimes it gets to the point where it takes over my life and it is all I can think about. It is one of those times and this time seems to be worse then the others. It has been almost 17 months since this nightmare began. So this feeling of guilt should be getting better not worse. I keep replaying every aspect of my pregnancy wondering and looking to see if there was something I did wrong; something I did to cause what happened. I don't know how many doctors have told me that I did not cause the blood clot that formed in Jasper's placenta, but I just can't stop wondering if I did do something to cause it. Why did I get Pre-eclampsia and HELLP? Would I have gotten it if that blood clot wasn't in Jasper's placenta? I wonder if I had stopped working sooner would things be different. Would Jasper be here right now safe in my arms? The hardest part is I know I should have left work sooner. My job at the time was very stressful and my co-workers treated me like shit. So why didn't I just leave? Why did I wait so long to go on FMLA? These are questions I will be asking myself until the day I die.

I am also feeling guilty about not being pregnant yet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like it should have happened already. I know for a fact that we have “did the deed” on the right days because I do temperature charting and everything was done on the right days. I just recently started temping every day again because my OB wants to see at least 5 charts so that he can tell that I am ovulating. I’m just so ready to be pregnant again. *Sigh*

A Journey to see a Specialist

I finally got to see the specialist in North Carolina, but before I write about what was said in that appointment we had lots of fun that I want to write about first. We started our journey on Thursday afternoon. We first started driving to Ohio to go to a youtube Atheist gathering. We started our journey in the afternoon because I was sick for a few days before hand and wasn’t able to pack until I woke up in the morning. We drove for 10 hours before we decided to get a hotel for the night in Statesville, North Carolina. We got up about six in the morning and were back on the road around seven. The drive from Statesville to Columbus was absolutely beautiful. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains and there are no words to describe the beauty. I have so many wonderful pictures, but I will have to Photoshop them because there was no way Jonathan would stop every 5 minutes for me to get a picture so I had to take them from the car and driving in the summer equals bugs on windshield.

We had a blast in Ohio. We stayed there for two nights Friday and Saturday and left to Durham on Sunday morning. The two nights in Ohio was the best two nights I have had since losing Jasper. I can’t even explain it, but I will try. During those two nights I got drunk and I think the best thing about it is that nobody knew about Jasper. I did tell one women about him because she asked about my charms on my necklace. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to talk about him, I did. It’s just I took a step back and focused on having fun and not obsessing about everything that I have lost, but just decided to have fun. I didn’t even realize just how much time I spend obsessing about losing Jasper and trying to conceive Jasper’s sister or brother that I forget to have fun. I almost forgot about one of the greatest parts of being in Ohio. We went to the science museum and went to the Titanic Exhibition. I absolutely never thought I would ever see it and I did. It was amazing! Seeing those artifacts that were lying on the ocean floor for 60+ years, well there are no words. We got to touch a piece of the Titanic and there was a room that was filled with stars, had a large piece of ice (iceberg), and it was freezing and eerily quiet. The atmosphere of the room was supposed to simulate how it was the night the Titanic sank. I have read a lot of books about the titanic, but to see it was, priceless.

Driving to Durham, North Carolina we went through the same mountain range we did on the way out and still breathtaking. We got to Durham and our next hotel at about six in the evening. We found the best Italian Restaurant and had dinner. We had a free day on Monday so we decided to go to The Streets at South Point mall and it was huge. We spent all day there looking around and of course shopping and spent our night swimming in the pool at the hotel.

Now, the major point of this trip was to see the high risk specialist that specializes in blood clotting disorders. It was Dr. J, and internist, and a Geneticist that where all in the room and it was a bit intimidating. We started off going through my history with miscarriages and the events that happened during the time I was pregnant with Jasper. She talked about my risks because of my Homozygous Factor V and was very surprised I never developed a blood clot when I was taking birth control or smoking. She said that because I had such a high risk for clotting and the fact that Jasper had such a large clot in his placenta that it would be a good idea for me to start Lovenox 40 mg a day pre-conception and then once we hear a viable heartbeat then I would start Lovenox twice a day based on my weight. We also talked about my risk for getting Pre-eclampsia and HELLP again and sadly we do not have good news there. She said based on the gestational age I was when I got it (24 weeks), the fact that I have an underlying condition, and the fact that Jasper had severe IUGR. My risks are elevated to 75% chance that it will happen again, but the chances are lowered due to the fact that I will be on Lovenox early enough. She even said with women who get pre-e the problem started when the placenta was implanting in the uterus. She said that with the early treatment of the Lovenox could help, but it is still a roll of the dice and you never know what could happen. She also went through my other options such as surrogacy and adoption, but I told her we are not ready to go that route yet. She did say that she would tell me if it was in fact to dangerous to get pregnant and she has told people that they should not even try or if they got pregnant that they should abort the baby due to such high risk to the mother, but she did not say that about me and she said that. She said my risks where manageable with Lovenox. I did talk to her about my job and she couldn’t tell me to quit my job and get a new one, but she did stress that having a high stress job like mine lots of waking, pushing, pulling, lifting, and bending could be harmful in pregnancy and could impact the blood flow to the placenta. She couldn’t legally tell me that it would be a good idea to switch jobs, but I understand what she was saying. When I was pregnant with Jasper I was working in an out-patient rehab at the time and it required me to be on my feet all day long and I was always cramping up which I thought to be normal. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing all that, but I never in a million years thought I was harming Jasper. That is pretty much it. I am still waiting to hear from my Hematologist about when I should start the Lovenox, but if he doesn’t call me by the end of next week I will call him.

Jealousy and Fear

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy." - Wikipedia

Jealousy is the next strongest emotion next to grief at least for me it is. Some people are lucky enough to be able to hide this emotion, but some like me can not. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let things get to me, that I shouldn't be jealous. These are all people who don't have the first clue what it is like to live with years of infertility, failed pregnancies, and the loss of a child. I also don't understand why people get so offended when someone is jealous of them? I mean someone being jealous of you is kind of flattering in a way, right? They say that living your life being jealous of everyone that has a kid, and can get pregnant easily and by easily I mean it doesn't take a year or more to get pregnant is bad for you. Why? Why is it bad for you exactly? For me it makes me try harder to get what I want. To have a child that is my goal. I will do it, I will one day have a child, a living child. The truth is even when I do get what I want the jealousy will still be there. I will always be jealous of women who get pregnant easily, can have a problem free pregnancy, and that get to have multiple children. The effects of infertility and infant loss will never go away. I will live with this forever.

I am having lots of fears about going to see this specialist in North Carolina. I'm so afraid about what she is going to be telling me. I go see her in 10 days and the fear is getting stronger with each passing day. The one thing I'm pretty sure she is going to tell me that I will have to go on Lovenox while we are trying. I'm ready for that and I'm prepared to hear that. I keep having these fears that she is going to tell me that I will need to quit my job and go on bed rest for the whole nine months. Personally, I wouldn't mind it I would do anything to bring home a full term live baby. The problem is we get our health insurance through my job without it we would be SCREWED. Jonathan works from home and if we were to get private insurance we would have absolutely no money to live on at all. I could talk to her about maybe taking a less stressful job, like a sit down clerical job during my pregnancy or something that doesn't require so much walking, lifting and bending. I guess I will just have to see what she says and take it from there.