One year ago today...

... at approx. 12:30 p.m. Eastern time. I got my first positive pregnancy test with Jasper at 9dpo. I miss the excitment and panic of that day and the 6 and a half months that followed.

I made a slide show of my pregnancy with Jasper

Happy birthday our first angel

Happy Birthday my precious first angel! Today you would have been 2 years old. You where with us for such a short time, you grew in mommy’s belly for 5w 6d and today Sept 26th was your estimated due date. We will always reflect on this day as if it is your birthday and wonder what you would have been like and who you would have looked like. I believe in my heart that you where a girl and would have looked just like me, just as I looked like your nannie. We will always miss you our sweet little angel.

I'm pissed, I hate insurance companies

Well, I got a call the other day from my counselor and my stupid insurance will not pay for anymore counseling for me. According to DR. D my insurance will pay for only 12 visits a year. WHAT? I'm so fucking pissed off right now I feel like moving anywhere just to get out of the states. I don't have the money to just pay for it $80a week or even every other week for that matter. How could they do this to me? Counseling was really helping me. I need it now more then ever, I'm coming of Prozac right now and at a very critical state in my recovery and grieving process. I would go to a group support, but the don't have any close to me and once a month is not enough I need the one on one support. I'm so sick of it all the insurance companies care about is the fucking money and the the people they insure and their well being. I pay them all this money for what? To be charged an arm and a leg anyway.

Thank you's and Emotions

I want to thank Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for making this beautiful collage for us, we will cherish it forever.


I would also like to thank Sarah at Say it with flowers for writing Jasper's name on a flower. I was finally able to purchase my wonderful picture so I can share it with all of you. I would also like to mention that Jasper's name being on a tulip brings a special memory because tulips just happens to be Jasper's great-grandpa's favorite flower and had them planted in his garden and the tiger lily next to it happens to be one of my favorites.


I can't believe the roller coaster of emotions I have been having since I have decided to come off of Prozac. It almost feels like I've been paused in time and now my life is starting to play again in slow motion. It will take about a month for it all to leave my system. I wish I never started taking it, but the only reason why I had to, is because I was forced to go back to work too soon. I will continually have to keep reminding myself that I don’t want to go back to the way I was before I had to start. Before the Prozac my poor Jonathan had to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming, I never wanted to leave my house ever again. It was even worse when I saw a pregnant women or a baby. I would freak out, runaway and cry. Now, when I see a pregnant woman or baby it feels like I got punched in the gut a few times. I don’t have that urge to run any more or at least if I do; I don’t. I’m so glad Jonathan never gave up on me. I would be a mess without him.

Well, I’m officially in the TWW (two week wait). I really don’t think we will end up pregnant this cycle, but you never know. If we did end up pregnant in this cycle it would be to close to Jasper’s due date and I would be worried OH, 95% of the time, not that I wouldn’t be anyway if we got pregnant a couple of months from now. When my next cycle starts that is when I start doing everything again, by everything I mean temperatures every day, I bought those new fertility tests that First Response has that you do on day 3 of your cycle to see if you have a good egg reserve, ovulation tests, and then when it is time a pregnancy test or two or three. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already I’m a POAS-aholic (POAS = pee on a stick).

My special reminder of Jasper

Danielle at Letting go and letting god posted I'm posting a MckLinky up at the bottom of this post, and would love if you could write a post that introduces a special stuffed animal, blanket, or even something random that makes you think about your baby. Even if you haven't lost a baby you are welcome to participate. If you have other children living and would like to include what makes you think of them, I would love to read about it.

The one thing that reminds me most of Jasper is his teddy bear. I didn't get his teddy bear until after he had already passed away, but it was the thought that counts the most. I was supposed to get him his teddy bear the day I was admitted into the hospital.

A visit from my 4 angels

Tuesday Jonathan and I came home from the mall and our across the street neighbors have this really pretty bottle brush tree in their front yard. Well, as we where driving up our driveway I noticed some yellow butterflies flying around this tree. I immediately ran to the tree to watch them and noticed there was 4 of them one for each of my precious angels. This was the best picture of them I could get. Oh, How I miss each of them so much. It makes me so happy to know that they are all together.