On the road back from zombieville

First, I want to give a special thanks to Debby at For your tears for sending me this precious handkerchief. I will cherish it forever.

We finally got a call today that Jasper's urn in finally ready. I don't know why I'm so afraid to go get it. To finally put Jasper in his final resting place crushes my heart. I don't want to, but I know I have to. So very sad.

The time has finally come for me to start weaning myself off of Prozac and it is about time I had the courage to do it. I start the lower dosage tomorrow and I can't wait to be free from zombie land. Jonathan is really worried about it he thinks that I'm going to retreat back into a severe depression state where I won't want to leave my house again and he thinks I will get very moody. I hope he is wrong and I can pull through this without retreating or being moody.

I'm still trying to decide if I should start trying again this cycle or next. I want to start this cycle, but then if by some miracle I get pregnant with a sticky bean I would be due in June again and I don't know if I have the nerves to be able to handle that.

I started another blog this one is called From the Sky to the Ground it is pictures that I have taken and the meaning behind them. If you decide to look at it I hope you enjoy.

Six months, but it feels like an eternity

It's hard to believe that it has only been six months when it feels like an eternity.
I can never understand why it feels like it has been so long when it has only been such a short time? I shut down this weekend or at least I let my mind and body shut down. I couldn't let myself deal with this so I slept practically straight through the weekend. I did allow myself to get up and do some things, but I was miserable and still am. Remembering everything that happened March 4th to the 6th brings up so much pain. I just don't want to believe that it happened. When the nurse rushed in my room and told us to get to the NICU was the worst moment in my life. Watching them working on my son trying to bring him back, I can't even explain how that felt it was so horrible. I have seen all of this before working in the hospital, but on older people that it is pretty much there time to go. It was not my son's time, not yet he was not supposed to leave us so soon. I know he was still fighting even though we made the decision to take him off life support and what will always haunt me to know that every time I spoke to my son as I held him is that his heart rate would rise and I knew he was hearing his Mommy. Mommy will always love and miss you my precious Jasper.

Sad week

This has been quit a sad week. On Monday I found out one of my old co-workers lost her daughter. She was around 20 weeks went in for the big ultrasound and found many problems the biggest one being a heart defect. She was induced and her daughter passed away in her arms. Then I hear about poor Craig and Mirne losing Jet. I am at a loss for words. I am so sad.

I got an Honest Scrap award

I was given the Honest Scrap Award from Jennifer over at The Blue Sparrow. This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul. So thank you so much Jennifer for the recognition.

There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

The following are blogs that I read and find comfort in the words and feelings written. All have walked or are just beginning their walk down the road of recovering from the loss of thier precious babies. Here are the 7 Blogs that I consider worthy of the award;

My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy - http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/

I love you to the moon and back
http://mooooonandback.blogspot.com/

My Forever family
http://my4evababies.blogspot.com/

My journey
http://myjourney-brycesmummy.blogspot.com/

The journey of a ruby baby
http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/

Nicholas’ touch
http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/

I’m trying to live with the loss of 2 babies within 10 months
http://imtryingangie.blogspot.com/


Ten honest and interesting things about me:

1) I can make anyone laugh or smile, when I want to.

2) I hate to cook, but I can cook. I’m so glad that Jonathan understands. I will cook on occasion and if Jasper had stayed with us I would have cooked a lot more.

3) I love to take pictures of anything. My biggest thing these days are cloud formations, especially storm clouds. Usually if I see something I like I take a picture of it.

4) I have an all black cat named Jackie “O”. The O is for Onasis. She acts just like her. LOL!

5) I love to travel. Jonathan and I have driven through 22 states most of them several times in America since we have been together.

6) I collect rocks from everywhere that I have visited. States, state parks, ETC. I don’t even have them labeled, but I can tell you where they are all from.

7) I’m the oldest of 4 girls (2 are half sisters on my dad’s side), and one brother. I’m also the oldest grandchild on both my mom and dad’s side. I have 5 nephews and 4 nieces.

8) I never stop thinking of Jasper ever. Everything that has happened in the last 6 months and the fact that he should be here right now. I sleep with his one and only toy which is the Bear that I made for him at Build A Bear and his blanket is under my pillow.

9) I’m obsessed with reading vampire novels ever since I have seen and read twilight. Ever since I lost Jasper 6 months ago I have read 20 on my 21st vampire novel. I guess it helps me escape to a fantasy life.

10) I’m a purse/bagaholic. I have over 2oo bags most of them are cheapies from Kmart, Target, Walmart, Etc. I have 1 coach going to be 2 sometime soon and 3 Dooney & Bourke’s.

Thank you to everyone for your amazing support. HUGS!

The Secret Garden (August Meeting)

This month we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. There are a few questions all with in the same topic and because all of our stories differ some questions may not apply to you. If you would like you can just write about your experience or you can answer the questions individually. Of course you do not have to answer them all they are just simply there for you to share your experience so please just answer what you feel comfortable with.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

It is a beautiful spacious room really close to ours, it is on the second floor and when you look out the window, all you can see is trees.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

I wish we did have it ready. I feel bad for not having it ready, but in order to do that we had to move a couple of rooms around. The office was supposed to move downstairs and the guest bedroom (Jasper’s room) was moving into the office. We were working on getting all of the baby stuff we were going to need and move the rooms around after he was born. We wanted him to stay close to us for the first few months anyway so it was perfectly fine for us.

If so, how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was pure agony. I was only 25 weeks into the pregnancy when I had Jasper and after having three miscarriages I was afraid to start buying stuff earlier on. When we found out at our 19-week ultrasound that we our baby was a boy I could not help it I started buying some things for him, well mostly clothes. When I finally got the nerve to step into his room; I just laid on the guest bed and cried for hours.

Did you pack it all away?

Just some of the smaller things like bottles, and diapers.

What is your baby's room now?

It is still the guest room that has Jasper’s ashes, all of his clothes, his birth and death certificate, my pregnancy memory box, and hopefully I will have Jasper’s urn very soon.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant, again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I will always fear setting up a baby’s room before he/she is born. Next time I think it will work out the same way. We will buy all his/her stuff, next time I will not buy stuff until I pass 30 weeks and will set up the room after he/she is born.

It's about time to sadness to ruined moment

It only took 3 months, but we finally got a call from the Funeral home. The company that we put our special order in for Jasper's urn, finally said that they would be able to do everything we wanted. I was just about ready to give up and go to a different Funeral home. We go there Monday and look at the pictures to see what his urn will look like.

I can't believe I have to put my son in an urn and not in his crib. I miss him so much. I would give anything just to have him in my arms and not have to go through all this pain. It has been almost six months since he was taken from me and I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. Why is it that we can't remember happy memories like it was yesterday? Why is it you can only remember the sad stuff that way?

Last night at work one of my co-workers asked me if I have a picture of Jasper. Being the proud mommy of an angel that I am, I pulled out my photo album that I keep in my purse of him. I have in there my favorite ultrasound pictures, the last pic of me pregnant with Jasper, I have pics of him alive and fighting and pics of him after he became an angel. A few of my co-workers looked at him and ooed and awwed and I was loving it. What mother wouldn't? Anyway, one girl just had to ruin my moment when she asked me why I would carry pics of him if he was gone? I just simply told her that he is my son and I love to show him off no matter what. One of my co-workers that was sitting next to me backed me up, she said she would do the exact same thing if it was her child. I wanted to give her the biggest hug for sticking up for me. I did say thank you.

I did some researh on HELLP syndrome

I've been hearing alot about HELLP in association with Pre-e so I decided to research it and find out what it is all about. What I have learned was that:

"What is HELLP syndrome?
HELLP syndrome is a rare but serious illness in pregnancy. This illness can start quickly, most often in the last 3 months of pregnancy (the third trimester). It can also start soon after you have your baby. HELLP stands for Hemolysis, Elevated Liver enzyme levels and a Low Platelet count. These are problems that can occur in women with this syndrome.

Women with HELLP syndrome may have bleeding problems, liver problems and blood pressure problems that can hurt both the mother and the baby.

Who gets HELLP syndrome?
We don't know the cause of HELLP syndrome. We also don't know who will get it. Any pregnant woman may get this illness.

Most women who will get HELLP have blood pressure problems before they get HELLP syndrome. (But you can get HELLP syndrome even if your blood pressure is normal.)

You're more likely to get HELLP syndrome if you're white and over 25 years of age. You are also more likely to get it if you have had children before or if you had a problem with a pregnancy in the past.

How can I tell if I have HELLP syndrome?
If you have HELLP syndrome, you may feel tired. You may have pain in the upper right part of your belly. You may have bad headaches and nausea or vomiting. You may have swelling, especially in your face and hands. Rarely, you may notice bleeding from your gums or other places.

Because many healthy pregnant women also have these symptoms late in pregnancy, it may be hard to know for sure if you have HELLP syndrome. Your doctor may order blood tests if you have these symptoms or if your blood pressure is high." familydoctor.org

It was easier for me to copy and past from the website. I was never told I had HELLP with my Pre-e, but it honestly sounds like I did by the description of it. I had elevated liver enzymes and low platlet counts that was one of the biggest reasons why I was admitted into the hospital and also the protein in my urine, but we didn't know that until I was admitted. I had also had pain in my upper abdomen which they said the day they delivered could be my liver swelling and they didn't want to take any chances. I honestly don't think it was my liver, I feel like it may have been gull stones because I still get the same pain today only not as bad. I'm getting it checked out. I also have a blood clotting disorder and was on Lovenox during my pregnancy.

I just don't understand why they wouldn't tell me if I had HELLP as well as the pre-e? I plan on talking to my Perinatologist about it when I see her for my pre-conception visit. Now, I wish I didn't do any research I have to stop doing that.