I think I'm ready to start trying again....

These are some big words for me. After losing Jasper I had no desire to go through the hole trying thing ever again. It took us three years to get him only to have him ripped away by Pre-e. I wonder how long it will take us this time, hopefully not as long as it took to get Jasper. Trying again scares the heck out of me, but seeing as that I'm not one to give up, I'm ready. We will be waiting until my October cycle because trying again next cycle will be to hard. One year ago Jasper was concieved, well actually we found out on Sept 30, 2008 that I was pregnant. If by chance we do get pregnant the first month I will be scared if Jasper's and the next baby have the same or close to same due dates.

The last two weeks

I have decided that I am going to change the title of my blog. About two weeks ago, I opened my blog to read it, started staring at the title In memory of Jasper Thomas, and while there is nothing wrong with the title. I started crying I know I can come up with something better for me and for what Jasper represents to Jonathan and me. I am still not 100% on what the title will be, but I will expect to have it changed with in 24 hours. I will be keeping the link the same.

It has been officially two weeks since I began my new job and shift. I went from being a Rehab Tech to finally going back to be a Patient Care Tech and from working eight hour day to working twelve hour nights. It has definitely been interesting I am still trying to get used to it all. I am very grateful to be working with some of the people I used to work with on the floor before I left three years ago to work in Rehab. Of course, none of them knew about Jasper or what had happened to us; so I have been telling our story repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I definitely do not mind I like being able to tell people about my special little angel. It makes me feel like they are aware that he was very much real.

I have also been very eager to stop taking Prozac; I cannot stand the way it makes me feel. I feel like an emotionless zombie; as if I am off in my own little Lisa world that I cannot escape. I fear that it is doing more harm then good. That is the only way I will ever know if Prozac is doing more harm then good.

I would like so give a special thanks to two amazing women who sent me a very special gift: Thank you so much to Bree, her blog is My Baby Butterfly Ella for sending me Jasper’s Butterfly and Lea, her blog is Nicholas’ Touch for sending me Jasper’s angel wings. I adore them and have them both hanging in Jasper’s room.

The clothing drive blog is finally up and running

I finally had time to finish it today. YAY!
It is http://jasperthomasclothingdrive.blogspot.com/
I need to ask for a favor. I need some help to get the word out if you wouldn't mind. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you all so much for your support.

Will this pain ever go away?

Every day I think of my son and the fact that I will never get to do the things I should be doing with him and every day I get so sick to my stomach. I have gotten to a point where I don't cry everyday, but everyday I'm haunted of the memory of everything that has happened. Today was the absolute worst. I woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed all day curled up into a little ball and just cry all day, but I had to go to work. The whole morning (right now I work near the OB dept)there was a woman in the ob waiting room with a baby boy around the same age Jasper should be had he been born around his due date June 13th, so about two months. I could not stop looking at her son and picturing Jasper. Ther was even a couple of times that I thought I was crazy. As if that wasn't enough one of my co-workers brought in her three kids today along with her new baby girl. Something inside me just snapped and I broke down. I just had to get out of there, so I went to cafetaria, but there was nothing good there so I braved going back to my department to get my purse. I walked in crying and looking at the ground got my purse and left. Now, I feel bad about it, but I said nothing to my co-worker. I just had to get away. I know this will probably never happen, but I don't want this pain anymore, I don't want to feel jealous of every pregnant woman, or women with a baby/child that I see. I just feel so drained. I want my Jasper back so bad.

July Secret garden meeting

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I imagine Jasper as if he should be here. He should be around 2 months old, so I imagine him holding his head on his own, sleeping through the night, getting bigger, rolling over for the first time on his own.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
With my next pregnancy I just hope I can get through it problem and pre-eclampsia free. I know I will be so scared throughout the whole pregnancy. I really want to try and have a VBAC, but I will do what ever is needed to bring home a healthy baby.

Clothing drive in honor of Jasper

I'm working on the new blog for the clothing drive and should be up by the end of the week. It has taken such a long time to put it all together, but it finally is almost there.

The trip to Texas that we were supposed to take with Jasper

I didn't know how I wanted to start this. I thought about writing this as a letter to Jasper, but I think I will just write about our weekend to San Antonio, Tx to see Jasper's grandpa (my dad) without Jasper. We talked about this trip quit a bit while I was pregnant with Jasper. It was supposed to be around Christmas time, but we decided to go this weekend. My weekend started out on Thursday after work. Jonathan and I got on the road at 9:00p.m. I got to sleep throughout the night while Jonathan drove. He purposefully slept all day so that he could drive all night. Well, I couldn't get a peaceful nights sleep. I kept dreaming of Jasper and him being in the backseat like he should have been. Crying for a bottle, to be changed, to be held. I kept waking up and remembering that it was a dream and I would start tearing up. It was so heartbreaking being reminded over and over again that my Jasper is gone. When we got to my dad's I started to cry again remembering that Jasper will never get to meet his grandpa or grandpa will never get to meet Jasper. There were a couple of times I allowed my self to have some fun. It was just nice to spend time with my dad. I haven't seen him in about two years.