Jasper's sweet hello to his Mommy

I can't believe I forgot to post this story when it happened. I have had so much on my mind recently. Jasper came to say hello to me Tuesday June 2, 2009 in the form of a Cardinal which happens to be my favorite bird. I was sitting in my car before work reading a book when a beautiful Cardinal (female though) landed on the hood of my car walked up to the window right in front of me and started pecking at the window lightly while staring at me. I felt in my heart it was Jasper. It was so amazing like I knew that my son was watching out for me and he needed me to know that.

Jasper's "official" due date 6/13/2009

Today was a very hard day. It marks the end of my pregnancy, and when Jasper's life should have started. Jonathan and I spent the day remembering Jasper's short life that he lived and the life he should have had. We took a trip up to Gainesville, Florida (an hour away from home) where Jasper was born to build him a bear from Build A Bear Workshop. I made a promise to Jasper when he was still living in my womb that I would make him a bear, so to memorialize Jasper's due date that is what I decided to do. When we got there, I was very grateful that there were not that many kids there. I guess somebody was looking out for me there. Jonathan and I looked over the bears and I originally picked out a different bear when we were walking up to the girl to make him we both saw him the one we got he reminded us of jasper so much, especially in the face. When the girl was done stuffing him she told me to pick out a heart, this was my first time at build a bear so I had no idea. I picked out a heart and she had me do their little ritual (I cried, she probably thought I was crazy) that they do. It was something like (I do not remember if I am right) rub it on your head for memory, rub it on your nose for (I do not remember that one), rub it on your heart for love, kiss it, make a wish then put it in the bear. Next, we picked out his clothes and then made him a birth certificate.

Jasper bear's birth certificate and picture of him:

I can't believe this is happening

I can't believe this is supposed to be a time when I should be holding my beautiful son in my arms and loving every minute I have with him. I can't believe Saturday is Japser's "official" due date it just feels like I lost him yesterday. Jon and I do have a special day planned on Saturday. We are going to go to build a bear workshop and finally get to make him his teddy bear that I promised him when he was still living in my womb. I can't believe we were so close to having everything we ever wanted and it was ripped away. For what? I can't believe that there is a god so cruel that he/she would take an innocent child away from two parents that love him so much and that can take care of him. WHY? and I don't believe that god had a plan for my son "to be taken away from me" I don't think so. UGH! I'm just so pissed off right now and rightfully so.

Vacation to Daytona Beach

Memorial Day weekend Jonathan and I went on a little vacation to Daytona Beach. It was the first time we were able to get away since I found out that I was pregnant in September. It was a very nice weekend everything that I hoped for. We left home on Saturday at about noon. We got to Daytona at around 3:30 checked into the hotel and went straight to the beach. There was hardly anyone on the beach that day because it was gloomy out and very windy so the waves were quite large. We walked about 2 miles on the street so I could shop until we hit downtown Daytona beach. Then we walked back to the hotel for the night. Walking on the beach at night was so peaceful and relaxing. Sunday the sun came out and so did everyone else. We walked back to the downtown area again on Sunday. It was hard and sad to be there because their where so many people there with babies. Watching the babies reactions when they were first introduced to the ocean made me wonder what would have Jasper done? Would he be just like his mama and be petrified of the ocean or like his dada and want to go in deeper. Watching parents and their kids making sand castles. Parents chasing their kids. It was hard for me to see. I wished I was them. I wished I still had Jasper. Overall, we had a wonderful time. It was a chance to just get away for a couple of days and we did manage to have a lot of fun.

In memory of Jasper by Lacinta

This beautiful poem was written by my sister Cheryl's friend Lacinta. It was written shortly after Jasper passed away.

In Loving memory of Jasper

You never said i'm leaving.
You never said goodbye.
You were gone before I knew it and only god knew why.
A million times I cried.
If love alone could've saved you, you would have never died.
In life I loved you dearly.
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place that never can be filled.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you did not go alone.
A part of me went with you.
The day god took you home.

Mother's day

Mother’s day was hard and it didn’t help that people were completely ignoring the fact that I’m a mom. Just because my son is gone doesn’t mean I don’t want to be acknowledged as a mother. I know people were trying to protect me so that I wouldn’t have a “melt down”, but not being acknowledged was far worse then me crying because my son is gone. Jonathan did get me a Nintendo Wii game for mother’s day, but only because I had to tell him that he should get it for me for mother’s day. I wish people would understand that not being recognized for something is far worse than being recognized and me getting sad.

My first two days back at work (short version)

Yesterday, was very hard. It was my first day back at work and Jasper’s should be 2 month Birthday. I was so scared to go back to work that I could not sleep on Sunday night. It was so hard to leave Jonathan. He has been my rock through out all of this, without him I don’t think I could have survived the death of our son. I cried most of the way to the hospital where I work. I cried walking through the parking lot. It got worse when I walked through the door that just happened to be the door right next to the Maternity part of the hospital and there were people in the waiting room with a baby. I cried a lot yesterday, when I talked to my boss, when I told people about Jasper, the four times they played the song over the loud speaker when a baby is born. I can’t believe I made it through that first day.

Today, was more of a challenge because a girl that is pregnant was working today and it was very hard to see her baby bump. I can’t help being jealous of pregnant women and women with babies because they have everything I’ve wanted for so long. I spent a lot of time today talking about Jasper and answering questions about everything that has happened. It was very hard talking so much about the past eight months, but the more I talked about everything the easier it got to talk about, to a point. I’m no where near being comfortable being back at work, but it’s nice to know that I work with better people at the hospital then the people I worked with at the out patient facility; even though it is very hard to work with so many new mom’s.