Jasper, Forever our First-Born

A rainbow is born

2012-02-05T17:25:00.001-05:00

On Monday Jan 16th I went for my NST, Biophysical profile, and OB visit. The Biophysical profile went perfectly. The NST I was having some pretty strong contractions, but not regular which prompted my OB to check my cervix and it was 3cm and 90% effaced. I was told to get my butt straight over to L&D because I was only one day away from being 36 weeks.

Once I got to L&D I was hooked up to the monitor and continued to have irregular contractions some small some were pretty intense. After being there for about 4 hours and all the usual stuff was done IV, lab work, and being put on fluids to stop the contractions the OB checked my cervix again (oh my gosh I thought this guy was going to pull Samuel out the way he was digging up in there) and there was no change. But they decided to admit me overnight to observe Sammy and me because they wanted me to stay off my lovenox just in case I was in active labor and they had to do an emergency c-section. My Platelet counts where also down to 103 and they wanted to give my Brethine (Terb) to stop the contractions and it did for the most part.

At around 9 A.M. on Tuesday the OB came in and told me that he wasn’t comfortable sending me home unless he checked my cervix for any changes and asked if he (not the same one from the previous day) could check, so I said yes and it was 4 cm and still 90% effaced. That was it he made up his mind and said that we were going to have a baby today.

Everything happened so fast and I was scheduled for a noon time for my c-section. I was shaved, prepped and prepared for my spinal, and given that nasty medication. At noon they walked me to the OR my husband had to wait outside while I got my spinal. My poor husband heard me scream when he stuck the needle in for the spinal. When he got into the room everything was all set up and I was on the table. Shortly after I started to feel the pulling and tugging and it was super scary because I can only picture what they where doing because I knew what that was exactly. They told my husband to get his camera ready and at 12:22 we heard him start crying. My husband stood up and took a picture of Samuel coming out of me then they brought him around the curtain so I could see him and it brought tears to my eyes. That was the last thing I remember because the Anesthesiologist gave me something to knock me out. Samuel Thomas was born Jan 17th at 12:22 p.m. weighing 5 pounds 11 ounces and 19 ¼ inches long.

Just born

Going home outfit

Birth Announcements by WiddlyTinks.com

Third trimester craziness

2012-02-05T17:18:00.000-05:00

Before I post Samuel's birth story I want to post a little more about my third trimester. Looking back on it now I would say that it wasn't all that bad, but I would be lying. Starting at around 30 weeks it all started. I was in L&D pretty much every two weeks for something. The first time was for some spotting which turned out to be nothing. The second time was for Samuel not passing his kick count. The third time was on Christmas night. I was at work and out of nowhere I started to feel very dizzy, lightheaded, and my heart was racing. I took my Blood pressure and it was 115/75 which is high for me. I sat down relaxed and the symptoms just got worse and so did my B/P it was 128/84 or something very close to that. I went down to the ER (I work in the hospital where I had Samuel) and yet again landed myself in L&D. Everything came back normal except my Platelet counts which dropped I can't remember the numbers, but I do remember they where below normal. The next time I landed myself in L&D was the day before I had Samuel. You can read about that when I post my birth story.

Here are a couple of pics from my 3D/4D ultrasound.

I wanted to post the pics from my maternity shoot that I had done on Dec 17th, but for some reason I have not received them yet. Here is a picture that Jonathan took of me two days before I gave birth.

Third Trimester

2011-11-29T04:34:00.000-05:00

Another amazing milestone! Well, I have been in the 3rd trimester for a week now and it's so surreal. Everything seems to be going great and still no symptoms of preeclampsia or HELLP. I am just so grateful for each day, for every kick/movement, and for each and every normal pregnancy pain even though people may think that my talking about each and every one is a complaint, it’s not. I just love being able to express every single moment.

Long time again

2011-11-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

It has been such a long time I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know why I wait so long to update my blog. I love writing here it helps a lot with getting out everything that I keep bottled inside and that is something I tend to do very well.

I think I have been avoiding my blog because I have been so afraid to post something here in fear that I would upset someone. I know most of you can just guess what I am going to post next based on that statement. I found out on June 7th that I am expecting my rainbow baby on Feb 14, 2012. We where actually super surprised I honestly thought I would never get pregnant ever again, but after 22 months and 1 day of trying for our rainbow we finally got our BFP.

We have had our ups and downs throughout the past 27 weeks. The first trimester consisted of fear of having a miscarriage, morning sickness or in my case 24/7 nausea, and just keeping my fingers crossed that my baby was growing as he should. The second trimester which will officially be over with on Nov 21st was a bit more nerve racking. Until I could feel movement I at least had my Doppler to keep my mind at ease. On Sept 21st we found out we where going to have another boy I was so happy I cried and still cry for hours. I would have been absolutely thrilled if I was having a girl, but just being able to give this baby Jasper’s middle name as my rainbow’s middle name makes me feel like Jasper is somehow looking out for his baby brother in some cosmic way. My rainbow’s name will be Samuel Thomas Goldthorpe.

I do get a lot of moments where I am so sad that Jasper doesn’t get to share in this experience with us. I am sure he would have been so happy to be a big brother to his little brother. I would have loved to see his expression when he found out that he was going to have a little brother or being able to feel/see my belly move. I am only left to wonder with what should have been.

I can’t help but to brag that Samuel has been doing so well. At his big/gender ultrasound at 19 weeks everything looked absolutely perfect and was measuring 11 ounces which was quit a bit more than his big brother at that time. He even took a little moment to laugh at me for being so worried.

His second growth ultrasound at 24 weeks was absolutely amazing. I was so worried going to this one because I was so afraid that he wasn’t gaining any weight. With Jasper he only gained about 2 ounces every two weeks, so of course I was freaked out. Samuel not only gained weight, but he surpassed his big brother’s weight by 11 ounces by weighing in at 1 pound 8 ounces and in the 44th percentile. Jasper only weighed 13.2 ounces when I had my emergency c-section at 25 weeks so this was a huge milestone.

The next milestone came a week later when I passed 25 weeks. I don’t even know how it happened, but I scheduled an appt with the exact same doctor on the exact same day gestation (24 weeks) that I was admitted into the hospital with Jasper. My wonderful husband Jonathan just had to get a picture just like we did with Jasper that day.
This first picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Jasper at the Dr's appt.

This second picture is me 24 weeks pregnant with Samuel at the same Dr's office.

His third growth ultrasound was just today and I am pleased to announce that he is weighing in at a wonderful 2 pounds 8 ounces and in the 68th percentile. I am also happy to report that I passed my glucose test and have absolutely no signs or Pre-eclampsia or HELLP. I am one happy mommy.

Just a short version of catch-up

2011-05-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

It didn't mean for it to be this long before I posted again, but I can't seem to write down what I am feeling. I'm still not sure if I can, so all I can do is try.

I go through my days in a foggy haze of depression. I don't ever feel like doing anything except for reading and playing my facebook games. I do manage every once in a while to do other things besides going to work because I have to do that. I would go back or I need to go back on Prozac, but that would put an end to TTC a brother or sister for Jasper. Jonathan refuses to TTC while I am on that becasue of the potential risk of birth defects. I don't blame him I honestly thought we would have another baby by now. But we haven't even had so much of a glimmer of anything despite the perfect timing and all.

Sometimes I wonder why Jonathan even stays with me. He doesn't deserve having a wife that can't give him what he wants (a child). I have talked to him about it, but he gets all mad saying that I shouldn't say something so stupid that if "You can't have a child neither can I." If it where reversed and he was the one with the issue I would never be able to leave him over it. I just wish......I just wish I was "normal".

I never did come here and write down about Jasper's birthday and Angelversary this year. We didn't really do to much this year. The only thing that made this year super special is that my mom got to come down to Florida this year and spent the first two weeks of March with us. I was able to make Jasper's bear this year at Build-A-Bear. I wasn't able to do it on his Birthday, but I was able to make his bear a few weeks ago. We live in a very small area and the nearest Build-A-Bear is 50 miles away.

Well, my SIL and BIL had their daugher in March and I couldn't care less. Yes, this is the same SIL and BIL who said that we lost Jasper because we are not Christian or that he would have been evil. Ever since that day I have not spoken to them at all and truthfully never want to again. I told Jonathan it was up to him if he wanted to continue speaking to his brother I would never ever get in between them. But I do not want anything to do with either of them. Some people would say that I am being childish and maybe on some level I am, but I don't care. I will choose who I want in my life and I don't want them in it for many reasons not just the ones I have said and I won't bore you with the rest of the story.

For the love of vampire books

2011-02-14T01:13:00.000-05:00

People are always asking me why I am always reading about vampires so I will do my best to try and explain my new found love of vampire stories. I used to read before I got pregnant with Jasper, but definitely not like I do now. Before Jasper I would only read maybe two or three books a year and it would be all types of books. Some love stories, murder mystery, and horror type like Stephen King novels. I can remember the day it all changed for me. It was about three weeks after Jasper died. I was still very sore from the c-section so my wonderful husband insisted on putting me in a wheelchair and carting me around Wal-Mart at 3 o’clock in the morning just so that I wouldn’t have to encounter any babies or pregnant women. That one particular night Jonathan wanted to look at the magazines so I decided to look at the books and that is where I found the books that in a sense changed and possibly saved my life. Those books where the Night World Series by L.J. Smith. When I say that these books saved my life I mean it literally. During those first weeks of losing my son I had thoughts of just ending my life and somehow these books helped me. When I began reading them it was like I was transported into another world as I was reading I became those characters. When I was reading I became so engrossed in the story that I stopped thinking about the pain and the sadness of losing my son. Vampires are the furthest thing from reality that you can possibly read about and that is what I need. I needed to find a way to escape the heartache and I found it. In the past 23 months 1 week and 1 day that Jasper has been gone I have read about 100 books. Yes! You read that right it is close to 100 books in almost 24 months.

The perfect infertility song

2010-11-16T03:39:00.000-05:00

Alright! There should be absolutely in no way be a "perfect" infertility song, but this song explains exactly how I feel about this disease that plagues my life.

My answer to question #6

2010-11-09T01:32:00.001-05:00

Thank you to everyone who has asked me a question.

Jamie from Week by Week asked me:

“Alright Lisa I have a 3-parter for you.

1) In what way do you feel you changed the most since Jasper? How do you compare to the pre-Jasper's-pregnancy Lisa?

2) If you could be any animal what would it be and why

3) finally, do you dig purses or shoes more... or :gasp: both!”

1) The way I changed to most since Jasper is that I’m more open with my grief. I concealed the grief I felt when I had the three miscarriages. I didn’t tell anybody that I even had the last two I just kept it to myself. I realize now how unbelievably unhealthy that was.
Pre-Jasper’s-pregnancy Lisa was very willing to go through anything in order to get pregnant. I did countless tests (HSG, Uterine Biopsy, blood work, HSC, ultrasounds) the list continues.
Now, I’m so afraid at the thought of losing another baby that I figure if I get pregnant then so be it. I’m still trying, but the thought of going through all those tests again just saddens me.

2) I would be an Orca. I love them. I would love to be free to swim through the oceans without a care in the world.

3) I would always pick bags over shoes in a micro-second.

My answer to question #5

2010-11-09T01:26:00.001-05:00

Lisette from Learning To Breathe Again Asked:

“Being a loss parent is not easy, how have you and Jonathan grown from this experience?”

This is by far the hardest question I have to answer. I honestly never gave it much thought before. We have grown in many different ways. One of the biggest ways we have grown is that we are closer then we ever where before. We have learned to deal with our grief separate as well as together. I’m sure the more I think about this question the more I will be able to come up with.

My answer to question #4

2010-11-09T01:16:00.001-05:00

Erin from FF asked me:

“Hi Lisa, I was wondering how you are doing? I lost my subscription to FF and wanted to say hello to you. Erin (otee)”

Erin I’m go glad you are stopping by my blog. I have since answered your question on FF since you reenacted your subscription to FF. I have since put my subscription on hold because it is all just becoming too much for me at this time. It just seems like every time I turn around more and more people on there are getting their BFP’s and I keep getting BFN’s. I know! It is silly or just plain stupid of me to even think something like that because it is in fact a fertility sight. It just gets even harder when I see someone that was in my June 2009 DD group already on their 2nd. Other then that I’m doing fine I’m finally down to my pregnancy weight. It only took 19 months. We are still trying for baby number 2, but I’m definitely not all gung-ho like I was before Jasper. I hope to soon get over myself and take my account off hold because even after just two days I feel like I’m missing so much.

My answer to question #3

2010-10-20T21:32:00.001-04:00

First, I would like to say Thank you to Sarita for asking me a question. I’m sorry I forgot to thank you in the post that I answered your question in.

Holly from Caring for Carleigh asked me:

“Do you and your hubby have any big plans for this next year?”

The only big plans that I have absolutely made so far is to take a road trip up to Chicago to see my family. The only other plans that I do have is to hopefully get pregnant and bring home a live and healthy baby, but I guess that is more of a goal. I almost forgot I do have another plan and that is to start cosmetology school. I did plan on starting this year, but I was too late for the class and it was already full.

Thank you, Holly for asking me a question.

My answer to question #2

2010-10-19T22:19:00.002-04:00

I didn’t forget to answer the rest of the questions. I guess I’m just hoping that the longer I stall then maybe I will get more questions to answer. If you would still like to ask me a question you still can. You can put you question in the comment section below.

Sarita from One Perfect Rose asked me:

“Has Jasper sent you any signs? I know some people see butterflies, ladybugs, etc, that remind them of their babies. Some people find pennies that they believe are sent by their loved ones.”

Yes, I did get what I believe on some kind of level to be a sign from Jasper. I’m sure everyone or most of you know that I am an Atheist and don’t believe in spirits or an afterlife, but I did have a very interesting experience with a cardinal that makes me want to believe it was Jasper stopping by to say hello to his mommy.
It was not too soon after I started going back to work after my 6 weeks of leave to recover from my C-section. On this day I got to work early so I decided to sit in my car and read until it was time to go in. As I was reading I noticed some movement right in front of me and looked up to see a female Cardinal standing on my windshield wiper and just looking at me. I kept watching her and all of a sudden she was pecking at my window and I just let her do it. I didn’t have the heart to make her go away and it wasn’t like she was hurting the window or in danger of breaking it. This continued for a couple of minutes and then she just flew off. I was just so happy for the rest of that day. You can read the original post I made about it here.
I know there are probably a dozen logical explanations as to why she was pecking at my windshield. A heart believes what it wants to believe and I want to believe that it was my Jasper coming to say “Hi, Mommy.”

My answer to question #1

2010-10-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

I will be answering each question one by one in separate posts. If you still want to ask me a question please feel free to ask away. You can post your question in the comment section of this post or on the original post here.

Sarah from My thoughts, my world asked me:

“Hey Sweetie I hope this question doesn’t make you upset or anything, though its one that I seem to ask a lot of baby lost mum's

If you could say one thing to another angel mum to help ease their pain what would if be and why?”

Sarah, I first wanted to say that this question did not upset me at all. This is a really good question and has left me thinking for days.

After days of thinking about this and thinking about what I would want said to me. I don’t think there is any one thing you can say to a baby lost mom to help ease their pain. The only thing that makes sense and that comes to mind is “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You are not alone.”

After losing Jasper I have known two people that I worked with that have lost a baby later in pregnancy and both of them where very different then most of the other baby lost mothers I have ever met. These women were very personal in their tragedy and didn’t want to talk about their babies or the grief they felt so I respected that. I just let them know if they ever needed to talk I was there to listen whenever they needed.

Thank you Sarah for asking me a question.

Questions and Answers

2010-09-30T21:22:00.001-04:00

It has been a while since I have done a questions and answers post so here it goes. You can ask me any type of question that you want. It can be personal, about Jasper or baby loss, or Infertility and I will answer them. Just type your question or questions in the comment section below.

Everything happens for a reason...

2010-09-25T04:20:00.000-04:00

I have heard this saying so many times since we lost Jasper. I know a lot of people cling to this phrase for some kind of spirutal guidence or for some reason find some kind of good meaning to this like maybe something worse would of happened or something would have been wrong with my son. I just don't understand why people would think that there god thought there was some reason for my son to die. For me it is like a huge slap in the face because this phrase means something different for me. My son did die for a reason and that reason is because my body failed him. My body caused the blood clot in his placenta which caused him to be growth restricted. My body developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP which caused my blood pressure to sky rocket, protein to spill from my kidneys, My liver was failing, and my Platelet counts where very low. My doctor's thought it would be best to save my life and the only way to do that was to deliver Jasper and then hopefully try to save his life. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame myself for everything that has happened. I couldn't help it and I can't change what happened, but I just wish people wouldn't say something so stupid like that. Like it is going to make me better. I wish people would just think about what they are going to say before they say it. I wish people would understand that for me if there is a god (which I don't believe) and he decided that my child was going to die, but the crack whore's baby would live and be healthy that I would hate that god.

18 months...

2010-09-06T23:24:00.000-04:00

First, let me say I’m very sorry that I have not been a very good blogger friend by not commenting on your blogs. I do read them it is just sometimes I don’t know what to say, but I will make the effort to be a better blogger friend even if it is just to offer a cyber hug.

I can’t believe it has been 18 months since Jasper was born and left this world. It still feels like it just happened. Yeah! The pain is not so raw, but still very real. There are days I cry, days I get mad, days I think about how happy I was when pregnant, and days I think about how scared I was after Jasper was born.

I am on a baby loss group on Fertility Friend and one of the women on there that lost her twins due to IC had someone tell her that "the grief still seems so huge and present for you." She was very obviously pissed off by this and truthfully so was I. It took me a minute to realize that the person who said this obviously has no clue what it is like to loose a baby. I wrote this in response to that comment. There is no such thing as unhealthy grieving for us. The truth is no baby lost mama will ever "get it". I honestly wonder what goes through somebody’s mind when they try to give advice to a mother who lost her child when that person never lost one themselves. I would never try to give advice to someone who lost their mother because I have not lost mine. The ignorance just astounds me.

A couple of days ago I ran into yet another person that had no idea that I lost Jasper. I can’t even believe that it is even possible. I didn’t even think she would remember, but she did. When she asked me “How is your baby doing?” My heart sank. She was a patient at the out-patient rehab facility I was working for when I was pregnant. I went through the short version about everything that happened. She told me how sorry she was to hear about my loss. She then started saying that she wonders the reason I had so many problems was because of that job. She said stuff like that she realized that I never got any rest that I just kept working, and just never stopped. Oh, how I wish I could’ve told her that I had no choice that my co-workers would write me up if I tried to rest, but I couldn’t say that to her. I have always wondered about that and for another person to say those words makes me think that it may be true.

Now on the TTC front. I am 5dpo at the moment and got mixed emotions about how this will go. As of right now my temps are going up beautifully and it seems to be heading in the right direction, but yet again I have another UTI. I don’t know what to do about this. It seems like every month right after I ovulate I get a UTI. There is absolutely no reason for it. I drink lots of water and pee after sex. I just don’t know what to think at this point.

Broken Record

2010-08-21T03:40:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't been blogging that much, but I just hate sounding like a broken record all the time. It seems like every time I blog it is always the same stuff. Once I would just like to come here and blog about some good news. I wish that time is now, but unfortunately it's not.

I thought for sure last cycle was it. I was so sure that I was going to get a BFP that when I tested and got a BFN I was in shock. I really thought it was a bunk test so I retested two days later and it was a BFN. I keep trying to tell myself that it will happen soon that it will be next cycle, but how many cycles do I have to go through already. I'm not a patient person never have never will be.

It has been almost 18 months since this nightmare started and I still wonder if I had refused to let them take Jasper when they did. What would have happened? They claim I would have died if they didn't get him out when they did, but I will never know if that is true or not. I'm still very skeptical about it and I guess I always will be. I wonder if the doctors where just trying to avoid a law suit or where they really acting in my best interest.

I hope to one day post something positive.

Guilt

2010-07-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

The guilt that I have from losing Jasper never really goes away, but sometimes it gets to the point where it takes over my life and it is all I can think about. It is one of those times and this time seems to be worse then the others. It has been almost 17 months since this nightmare began. So this feeling of guilt should be getting better not worse. I keep replaying every aspect of my pregnancy wondering and looking to see if there was something I did wrong; something I did to cause what happened. I don't know how many doctors have told me that I did not cause the blood clot that formed in Jasper's placenta, but I just can't stop wondering if I did do something to cause it. Why did I get Pre-eclampsia and HELLP? Would I have gotten it if that blood clot wasn't in Jasper's placenta? I wonder if I had stopped working sooner would things be different. Would Jasper be here right now safe in my arms? The hardest part is I know I should have left work sooner. My job at the time was very stressful and my co-workers treated me like shit. So why didn't I just leave? Why did I wait so long to go on FMLA? These are questions I will be asking myself until the day I die.

I am also feeling guilty about not being pregnant yet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like it should have happened already. I know for a fact that we have “did the deed” on the right days because I do temperature charting and everything was done on the right days. I just recently started temping every day again because my OB wants to see at least 5 charts so that he can tell that I am ovulating. I’m just so ready to be pregnant again. *Sigh*

A Journey to see a Specialist

2010-06-26T01:37:00.000-04:00

I finally got to see the specialist in North Carolina, but before I write about what was said in that appointment we had lots of fun that I want to write about first. We started our journey on Thursday afternoon. We first started driving to Ohio to go to a youtube Atheist gathering. We started our journey in the afternoon because I was sick for a few days before hand and wasn’t able to pack until I woke up in the morning. We drove for 10 hours before we decided to get a hotel for the night in Statesville, North Carolina. We got up about six in the morning and were back on the road around seven. The drive from Statesville to Columbus was absolutely beautiful. We drove through the Appalachian Mountains and there are no words to describe the beauty. I have so many wonderful pictures, but I will have to Photoshop them because there was no way Jonathan would stop every 5 minutes for me to get a picture so I had to take them from the car and driving in the summer equals bugs on windshield.

We had a blast in Ohio. We stayed there for two nights Friday and Saturday and left to Durham on Sunday morning. The two nights in Ohio was the best two nights I have had since losing Jasper. I can’t even explain it, but I will try. During those two nights I got drunk and I think the best thing about it is that nobody knew about Jasper. I did tell one women about him because she asked about my charms on my necklace. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to talk about him, I did. It’s just I took a step back and focused on having fun and not obsessing about everything that I have lost, but just decided to have fun. I didn’t even realize just how much time I spend obsessing about losing Jasper and trying to conceive Jasper’s sister or brother that I forget to have fun. I almost forgot about one of the greatest parts of being in Ohio. We went to the science museum and went to the Titanic Exhibition. I absolutely never thought I would ever see it and I did. It was amazing! Seeing those artifacts that were lying on the ocean floor for 60+ years, well there are no words. We got to touch a piece of the Titanic and there was a room that was filled with stars, had a large piece of ice (iceberg), and it was freezing and eerily quiet. The atmosphere of the room was supposed to simulate how it was the night the Titanic sank. I have read a lot of books about the titanic, but to see it was, priceless.

Driving to Durham, North Carolina we went through the same mountain range we did on the way out and still breathtaking. We got to Durham and our next hotel at about six in the evening. We found the best Italian Restaurant and had dinner. We had a free day on Monday so we decided to go to The Streets at South Point mall and it was huge. We spent all day there looking around and of course shopping and spent our night swimming in the pool at the hotel.

Now, the major point of this trip was to see the high risk specialist that specializes in blood clotting disorders. It was Dr. J, and internist, and a Geneticist that where all in the room and it was a bit intimidating. We started off going through my history with miscarriages and the events that happened during the time I was pregnant with Jasper. She talked about my risks because of my Homozygous Factor V and was very surprised I never developed a blood clot when I was taking birth control or smoking. She said that because I had such a high risk for clotting and the fact that Jasper had such a large clot in his placenta that it would be a good idea for me to start Lovenox 40 mg a day pre-conception and then once we hear a viable heartbeat then I would start Lovenox twice a day based on my weight. We also talked about my risk for getting Pre-eclampsia and HELLP again and sadly we do not have good news there. She said based on the gestational age I was when I got it (24 weeks), the fact that I have an underlying condition, and the fact that Jasper had severe IUGR. My risks are elevated to 75% chance that it will happen again, but the chances are lowered due to the fact that I will be on Lovenox early enough. She even said with women who get pre-e the problem started when the placenta was implanting in the uterus. She said that with the early treatment of the Lovenox could help, but it is still a roll of the dice and you never know what could happen. She also went through my other options such as surrogacy and adoption, but I told her we are not ready to go that route yet. She did say that she would tell me if it was in fact to dangerous to get pregnant and she has told people that they should not even try or if they got pregnant that they should abort the baby due to such high risk to the mother, but she did not say that about me and she said that. She said my risks where manageable with Lovenox. I did talk to her about my job and she couldn’t tell me to quit my job and get a new one, but she did stress that having a high stress job like mine lots of waking, pushing, pulling, lifting, and bending could be harmful in pregnancy and could impact the blood flow to the placenta. She couldn’t legally tell me that it would be a good idea to switch jobs, but I understand what she was saying. When I was pregnant with Jasper I was working in an out-patient rehab at the time and it required me to be on my feet all day long and I was always cramping up which I thought to be normal. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing all that, but I never in a million years thought I was harming Jasper. That is pretty much it. I am still waiting to hear from my Hematologist about when I should start the Lovenox, but if he doesn’t call me by the end of next week I will call him.

Jealousy and Fear

2010-06-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. It is not to be confused with envy." - Wikipedia

Jealousy is the next strongest emotion next to grief at least for me it is. Some people are lucky enough to be able to hide this emotion, but some like me can not. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let things get to me, that I shouldn't be jealous. These are all people who don't have the first clue what it is like to live with years of infertility, failed pregnancies, and the loss of a child. I also don't understand why people get so offended when someone is jealous of them? I mean someone being jealous of you is kind of flattering in a way, right? They say that living your life being jealous of everyone that has a kid, and can get pregnant easily and by easily I mean it doesn't take a year or more to get pregnant is bad for you. Why? Why is it bad for you exactly? For me it makes me try harder to get what I want. To have a child that is my goal. I will do it, I will one day have a child, a living child. The truth is even when I do get what I want the jealousy will still be there. I will always be jealous of women who get pregnant easily, can have a problem free pregnancy, and that get to have multiple children. The effects of infertility and infant loss will never go away. I will live with this forever.

I am having lots of fears about going to see this specialist in North Carolina. I'm so afraid about what she is going to be telling me. I go see her in 10 days and the fear is getting stronger with each passing day. The one thing I'm pretty sure she is going to tell me that I will have to go on Lovenox while we are trying. I'm ready for that and I'm prepared to hear that. I keep having these fears that she is going to tell me that I will need to quit my job and go on bed rest for the whole nine months. Personally, I wouldn't mind it I would do anything to bring home a full term live baby. The problem is we get our health insurance through my job without it we would be SCREWED. Jonathan works from home and if we were to get private insurance we would have absolutely no money to live on at all. I could talk to her about maybe taking a less stressful job, like a sit down clerical job during my pregnancy or something that doesn't require so much walking, lifting and bending. I guess I will just have to see what she says and take it from there.

2nd Mother's Day and A Break

2010-05-11T01:28:00.000-04:00

My 2nd Mother’s day started out pretty nice. Jonathan and I went to Rainbow Springs. When we got home from doing that I noticed that a special showing of Letters to Juliet was playing in a nearby town, so we decided to go see it. We got to Ocala and went to the mall and did some shopping and ate some lunch. Headed over the Best Buy to see the latest and greatest gadgets there are and then headed to the movie theatre. We got to the ticket counter and the movie was sold out. I was so disappointed. Honestly, in the 14 years Jonathan and I have ever been together we have never had this happen. Even for sneak previews. After that we just headed home and spent the rest of our day there. I was very surprised that I only had one major breakdown while having lunch.

Lately, my depression has kicked into overdrive. It pretty much all started since I got my last monthly. I was so disappointed we didn’t get pregnant last cycle even though I knew I shouldn’t and the fact that we are supposed to be on a forced break until I get out to North Carolina in June. I can’t do it, I just can’t.

I also need to take a break from my blog. It seems like everyday I read the blogs that I follow and everyday there is a new pregnancy announcement. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for everyone. I’m just at a point right now where I feel like I will never get to have that again and it is depressing. We started trying again in Sept and nothing. I hate that I feel this way, but when you suffer from Infertility for so long and then lose your child and then have to deal with the infertility part all over again. IT SUCKS!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T02:00:00.000-04:00

I am very pleased that for my 100th post that I get to wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day.

Jasper's name and a beautiful website

2010-05-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

In just a few short months I have gotten so many pictures with Jasper's name that I have not been able to keep track of them all let alone post thank you’s to everyone. I can't even begin to tell you just how much I LOOOVE seeing his name, and to know that other people think of him is priceless. I will be making another video with all of them very soon. That will be my thank you to everyone.

I wanted to introduce you to an absolute beautiful website I stumbled upon on facebook. If you are friends with me there you probably have realized that I join a lot of groups and pages. I’m addicted! If it sounds interesting, has a subject that I can relate to, or has anything to do with baby loss I join. I recently joined a group called Treasure Beans by Casey Doiron and on there I found her website. She is an absolute treasure.

March of Dimes

2010-05-01T00:28:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to write this post now for almost a week now; I tried every single day that I was off work since the day that I walked for the March of Dimes. We did real good I had originally set my goal to raise $250, but after all was said and done I raised $300. I want to thank each and every person who was able to donate to Jasper’s walk for The March of Dimes. When we got there I was beside myself to see how many people where there. I have no idea what made me think that it was going to be smaller, but I did. When I signed up to walk I never even thought about the NICU Grads until a fellow blog member brought it up in one of her posts. Truthfully, I’m really glad she did otherwise I would have been freaking out when I got there. I had time to process it all and thought I would be ready for it, but actually you can never be ready for something like that. Ever!

There was one NICU Grad there that made me think about everything we went through with Jasper. The little guy was about the age Jasper should be right now. The team for him was wearing shirts with his age (1 year old), how early he was born (16 weeks early), and his weight (1 pound 1 ounce). What is upsetting to me in a huge way is the fact that he was only 4 ounces bigger then Jasper. Now, I don’t know how the doctors or nurses treated the parents or that little boy, but they treated us like Jasper would never survive. Even before I had to have the emergency c-section they kept telling me over and over that Jasper would not make it, it is too early. Blah! Blah! Blah! When Jasper was born it was like they didn’t even care what they where doing because they had it in their heads he would never survive anyway. I have convinced my self that they just didn’t care at all. I am and will always be grateful for the amount of time I did get to spend with Jasper.

The place where we walked was absolutely stunning. Click here to see the pictures.

Every month for the past year I have been getting a How do you feed your baby survey in the mail and I just usually just shred it. This month I didn’t I opened it to see if there was an email or number to call to get them to stop sending this to me, but there wasn’t. So, what I did was wrote in nice big letters on the front was “Please stop sending me these my baby passed away and getting these every month is a real nasty reminder.” I wonder what the person’s face looked like when he/she opened it and read it.

Being blah can be dangerous

2010-04-20T23:44:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling very blah today and that could be a dangerous thing. It leaves me to think and wonder. Jonathan had mentioned to me that he doesn't think we should wait until we see that OB in North Carolina. The way I see it we would probably only have to take a month or two off, but Jonathan has a point. He thinks that any month we take off is a waste and he is right. I don't want any wasted months, but if it ensures that maybe one day we could have a healthy pregnancy and our take home rainbow baby then why am I so upset about a month or two of wasted cycles? Well, I'm not getting any younger and neither are my eggs. A wasted month means my eggs are another month older.

It is very hard for me not to wonder what Jasper would be like right now. He would be 13 months right now or if he was born when he should have been he would be 10 months. I have been around babies enough to know milestones, but I do know babies develop at their own rate. I wonder what Jasper's milestones would be right now. Would he be crawling? I wonder about his weight, height, sleep habits. I want to know what his smile would've looked like and well just anything and everything about him. I hate the fact that I will never know these things.

Clothing drive and medical records

2010-04-16T00:22:00.001-04:00

While I was in Gainesville we were finally able to drop off the donations from Jasper's clothing drive. The reason we didn't drop them off earlier like planned is because Jonathan knew we were going to be out there for my Appt and didn't want to make more then one trip out there because it is a long drive. I was able to give the NICU more than 30 pieces of clothing and I had gotten 15-20 blankets from Stephanie at Sweet pea project. I would consider the drive a success.

While I was at the hospital I went to Medical Records and got mine and Jasper's medical records. I have to admit I was a bit hesitant to look at them at first, but I did.

Mine had all my blood work which is really what I needed to see. I have always needed visual proof and now I got it. They are saying that I had Severe Pre-eclampsia with Class 3 HELLP. I think I was pretty lucky that I had class 3 and they are saying this because my Platelet counts stayed close to the normal range, but my liver enzymes were way high and they were the highest starting the day before I delivered and continued until after I delivered. That would explain the upper right quadrant pain! *sigh*

Jasper's was very good. I have to say that my little man was perfect in every way. Everything is where it should have been for his gestational age, well except for his weight of course. His Apgars were 8 and 8 at 1 and 5 minutes that is better then most babies born under normal circumstances. His PKU was perfect. I finally got to find out that Jasper was 11.2 inches. I have to tell you that I was absolutely mad that the hospital never gave me this information before.

Update on my appointment

2010-04-12T18:21:00.000-04:00

I will start with the blood clot in Jasper's placenta. What Dr. L told me was that being on Lovenox doesn't necessarily keep you from getting blood clots. In my case what had happened is considered pretty rare. For some reason that we will never know a bleed happened in the placenta and being on the lovenox made it keep bleeding and getting bigger and bigger. The reason why it was never found is because it was actually inside the placenta. He said that the only ones you can really see with a ultrasound is the ones that are in between the placenta and the uterus. It was actually so nice to finally have someone tell me something about this. My old OB wouldn't say anything except that she had no idea and my new one said that my OB probably knew about it, but just didn't want to tell me. I really hope that he won't hold any info from me because I'm so proactive in my health care that I WILL find out.

So, next is Platelet counts. Dr. L pretty much told me that as long as they are still normal then he is not going to worry just yet. On a good note my counts today were 215,000. I still think they are low, but he thought they were good for someone with a blood clotting disorder. Normal range is between 150,000 - 500,000.

Dr. L was pretty worried that I was already trying again without seeing him first. He really wants to have a game plan in order for when I do get pregnant again. So, if I end up not getting pregnant this month then we will be on hold for a while until a game plan is in order. First order of business is to go to Duke university to see a High Risk OB. She specializes in blood clotting disorders in pregnancy and Dr. L says she comes highly recommended. He is wondering on whether or not I should either be on Lovenox while we are trying. He is also wondering on whether or not I should be on a treatment dose of Lovenox when I get pregnant which means it would be based on my weight and would be taken twice a day instead of once. I hope to be seeing the Dr. at Duke real soon; I just have to check insurance info and call Dr. L back up so that he can call her to set up the appointment.

Dr. L is testing me again for the Antiphospholipid syndrome because it is something that could be acquired and not considered genetic. I did talk to him about the Long chain acyl-coa dehydrogenase or LCHAD mutation gene (it is a test that may give a clue as to whether or not I would be more likely to get HELLP again and even if it comes out negative there is still a 15 -20% I will anyway). He pretty much said that we will have the Dr. at Duke decide if I should have it.

I will post about the rest of the day in another post.

Hopefully, I will get some answers

2010-04-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the day I finally go back to see my Hematologist and hopefully get some answers. I really need to know why I developed a blood clot in Jasper's placenta if I was on Lovenox (a blood thinning medication). I also need to know if he knew about the blood clot would I have been put on a higher dose of the Lovenox. I can't help still being so mad at the fact that I was having ultrasounds every two weeks and the blood clot was never caught. I can remember one ultrasound I had at about 21 weeks with my high risk doctor and she spent a lot of time looking at Jasper and was wondering why he was so small. All she kept telling me is that I needed to get an amnio to find out what was wrong and I kept telling her that I will not get an amnio because the risk of Pprom (preterm premature rupture of membranes) was way to high and I was not going to risk my sons life and was glad I didn't because they would have never found out I had a blood clot from an amnio and it turned out Jasper was perfectly healthy. I also need to have a plan in action for my next pregnancy. I already have lovenox for when I get my BFP and I'm hoping that will be soon.

It's hard to believe that I'm already on my 8th cycle. I'm really getting frustrated that this is taking so long, yet again. I have been trying to relax, but it is so very hard. I'm doing everything I did before I got pregnant with Jasper. Except for temping I'm not doing that as well as I should. I'm on Fertility Friend and I haven't even been charting all my symptoms either. I think I did it once since I started again and it just gets my hopes up. Fertility Friend has what they call Early pregnancy signs and what that does is based on your symptoms it gives you a percentage on you probability of being pregnant. The one month I did it I got like between 80-90% chance of being pregnant based on my symptoms and I wasn't.

The other day I met an older woman and we got to talking. She asked me if I had any kids and I told her about Jasper. She then began to tell me about the son she lost to a placental abruption on April 1st 57 years ago. We talked for a long time. She told me about that day and the things people said to her. That is the one thing that doesn't change, peoples inability to understand what we go through when we lose a child. She told me that every year on April 1st even though it has been 57 years she still has a hard time. She said that in time the pain lessens, but it never really goes away. It was just so bittersweet to talk to someone who understands what I feel and understands what I have been through.

Video's, dreams, and anger

2010-03-31T23:53:00.001-04:00

I can't believe I never posted the video's I made for Jasper here. I swear these days I would probably forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.
This one is the story of Jasper's life:

This is the slide show of Jasper's name:

I work in a hospital and more often then not I get patients asking me if I have any children. I tell them yes I have one son, but sadly he passed away and leave it at that unless they ask me anything else. Anyway, there has been a few patients within the last couple of months that asked me and I told them and each time when I went in to do their 3 A.M. vital signs they told me that they had a dream that I was going to have twins. Now, normally I would be super happy to hear this, but the first thing that goes through my head is I would be at a greater risk for getting Pre-e and HELLP again. I would be the happiest person in the world if I got pregnant again and it was twins under normal circumstances and I didn't have that extra risk.

Which brings me to the anger portion of the post. The past year I have told a lot of people what has happened to me and sadly most don't even know what Pre-e or HELLP is, so I have to explain in short detail about them. The ones that I have told and have some knowledge on these conditions always take a look at me (by look I mean look me up and down) and say "HMMMMM! I thought only big women only get that?" WHAT? Seriously, Why would you say this to me? I just simply tell them that I have seen pictures of quite a lot of women that have had this and they are not "BIG" either. I just don't understand how someone could say something like that. It just pisses me off. I was going to write this a bit ago, but decided not to; until I saw on a comment on facebook of another baby lost mama that she was told that as well. It just brought back all those feelings and had to get it out.

It's been a while

2010-03-26T23:38:00.000-04:00

First, I want to thank everyone who has donated to Jasper's walk for the March of Dimes so far. Thank you so very much.
My walk is in 29 days and I really want to reach my goal of $250. I really need your help.

It has been way to long since my last post. I have been so super busy that I didn’t have any time to write. Since my last post I have worked three 12 hour shifts in a row twice. If you ever worked 12 hour shift you know that the 12 hours that you are off in between shifts you don’t want to do much of anything, but sleep. In between that my dad came to Florida for a week and that was nice. We did a lot of fun stuff.

On the second day that my dad was here we went to dinner to pizza hut. Everything was going great until the waitress puts a family in the table next to us. When they were walking to the table I heard the baby crying and I froze. They put the baby practically right next to me, with him facing me and that is when I started to cry. It was so hard to even look at the baby, but when I did he stopped crying and he just kept starring at me. I didn’t think anything of this at first, but the whole time we were there he would not take his eyes off of me. Another baby lost mama had a similar experience and it got me thinking if babies do have some kind of sixth sense about things? Since that day I have been paying a lot more attention to this and I have noticed that whenever there is a baby close to me they tend to watch me.

There has been something that has been bugging me and it is about my job. I got a call from my boss on I think it was Feb 25th and she was told by some of my co-workers that on the 24th I was moody and crying. Yes, the weeks and days leading up to Jasper’s birthday and Angelversary left me a bit moody, but this particular day my patients were lets just say hard to handle. I was getting admissions left and right and a lot of my patience where incontinent. Anyway, I was in with a patient and she started flipping out on me. Just one of the joys of working the midnight shift with sun-downing patients. I walked out to the nurse’s station crying because I just get very emotional and the charge nurse asked me if I was OK. Being emotional I said “That I will never be OK.” I went to go help the patient after a few seconds and one of my co-workers came in and made me leave the room after I told her I would be OK, but she would not take no for an answer so I left and cried some more. To the point my boss calls me and tells me “I need to take time off.” I told her that I am (I had already put in to take the first week of March off). I told her I had one more day to work before that, but she wanted to give me that day off so I took it. She then continues to tell me that yelling at the patients is never good. I was like hold up, I never yelled at the patient and told her everything that really happened, but she didn’t believe me. She continued to tell me that I need to get help and talk to someone and that I need to just somehow “get over it.” Oh, how I hate those words! I wish people could understand that I will never get over the loss of my son. Someone who has never lost a child before will never get it.
I did try and talk to her again in person, but it was no use. She told me that some to my co-workers told her that I cry too much and she told me that if I need to cry I need to go into the bathroom and not cry at the nurse’s station. I’m at a loss about this. I’m just so flipping pissed off about this. If any of my co-workers are reading this that have a problem with me crying about the loss of my son. You need to grow the fuck up and grow a heart and if you have a damn problem with me grieving for my loss you come to me not our boss. COWARDS!

The other day at work I was tried a couple of different time and I have to say I did very well. I was working again in the ER again and two different cases with pg women and I didn’t cry. I almost did, but managed to stop myself. One of them I even had to take to OB and that was so hard to do, but I did it. Yay me!

A couple of thank you's I forgot to mention in Jasper's birthday and angelversary post is I recieved two beautiful pics of candles for Jasper.

Thank you susan:

Thank you Sandie:

And a few more thank you's to a few wonderful women who wrote my Jasper's name.

Thank you Laura for doing this for me.

Thank you Jaime for writing Jasper's name in the ice.

and thank you to Michelle who wrote Jasper's name in the snow and put it on my Waterfall Angels facebook page.

March of Dimes walk

2010-03-17T23:10:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone, I'm doing a walk for the March of Dimes in April for my Jasper. I'm asking for any size donation, anything even if it is a dollar would be wonderful. Thank you all so very much.

And the winner of the frame is....

2010-03-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

Using Random.org I got #3 and that is Michelle from Missing Juanito. Congrats Michelle. Please send me your Address to jasperthomas@live.com and if there is anything more that you would like to add that reminds you of your precious Juanito.

Thank you to all that entered. I liked reading what reminds you of your precious angels. Sorry I haven't been around to much lately things have been hectic around here. I will be writing again soon.

One year

2010-03-09T02:25:00.000-05:00

First, I would like to thank everyone who entered My first blog giveaway. I have decided to keep it up another week so that more people can enter in the chance to get the frame. Everone who has not entered you may do so by following the link: My first blog giveaway

It has been one year since Jasper was born and passed away. I can't even believe I made it through last week. As it approached I felt like I would crumble to a million pieces and fly away and part of me wishes that I had. I never wanted this year mark to come. Well, I never wanted to to come without Jasper. I hate the fact that he is gone, I hate the fact that I have to go on without him, I just hate everything about this. The truth of the matter is, if my sister wasn't down here I probably would have went insane. Somehow her being down here, keeping me busy doing things kept me from going insane for sure.

On March 4th we went to Silver Springs state park to celebrate Jasper's birthday. We spent the day talking about Jasper, taking boat rides hearing about the history, and taking lots of pictures. My sister and I did buy Jasper some presents and put them on Jasper's Dresser.

On March 6th we did a lot on Jasper's Angelversary. We started out by going over to Rainbow Springs so that I can honor Jasper by taking photos of some Angel rocks by the waterfalls. We then went to the beach and did the balloon release and I wrote Jasper's name in the sand.

I just wish so bad that I would be writing how Jasper made a mess of his first birthday cake and how he reacted to his presents and there would have been way more then two. I know I will always wonder about the what-if's, what Jasper would be doing, and what he would look like. I wish people could understand that I didn't loose someone that I knew for a lifetime. I lost my child who I never got to know, and who I never got to see grow up.

My first blog giveaway

2010-03-01T02:14:00.001-05:00

I really wanted to do this as a 100th post type thing, but I couldn't wait. So, I'm doing this because I have reached over 50 followers. When I started this blog I never thought that I would have so many people reading about Jasper's story and it was never my intention when I started this blog. I do want to say that I appreciate every single one of you for reading my story and helping me through my grief it means the world to me.

So getting to the point the giveaway. It is open to all baby lost mommy's and daddy's, if you follow my blog or not. So here it is: It is a collectable case frame.

Of course, the one I have for this giveaway has nothing on it. I just wanted to show off what I did with mine.

So, what I would like to know is three things animals, words, pretty much anything that remind you of your angel babie(s). I will be using those three things to get some stickers for the frame, not including the letters for your angels name(s). So leave me a comment on this post to enter.
I will be keeping this giveaway open until Monday March 8th.

March

2010-03-01T01:32:00.000-05:00

This month has brought on a whole new meaning for me. Last year if someone would have asked me what does March mean to me? I would have said nothing. Oh, how I still wish that was the case. Now, if I was asked that same question. I would say that March means the birth and death of one of the most important person in my life and alway will be. I know associate March as one of the saddest months of the year. It will alway be the month when I celebrate the birth of my first born son and mourn his death.

One year ago today...

2010-02-27T01:40:00.000-05:00

I was admitted to the hospital for observation. I was in denial about the whole situation. I had no idea how sick I really was. The only way I can sum it up is that when you are faced with a problem you always go into some sort of denial. I went to the doctor that day thinking it was just going to be a routine visit, but instead my B/P was sky high. My doctor told me that my Platlet counts were really low and that he really thought it would be best for me to go to the hospital and be observed. I was refusing to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want anything to be wrong with me and I guess going to the hospital would have been admitting there was something wrong. My Dr. eventually talked me into going and it scared me so very much and when I walked into that hospital I never thought I would walk out without Jasper.

The last picture of Jasper safe in mommy's tummy. It was taken just before I was told to go to the hospital for observation.

Lately, I have been having nervous breakdowns two of them have been at work. The first time I was standing at the nurses station when I thought I heard a patient call for help. I didn't rush off because no one else was getting up and going so I figured I heard wrong. It happened again the patient called for help when one of my other co-workers that was close to the room screamed out "someone is calling for help" and he did nothing about it; he just stood there. I got pissed off. I walked passed everyone and said "It is really nice that no one goes to see what is wrong with a patient when they call for help." My co-worker then said to me " I was busy cleaning this vital sign machine." WHAT? Seriously, cleaning a stupid machine is more important then a patient calling for help? So, I screamed out "The patients come first." Then went into the patients room and the miserable old man started yelling at me. At first I was very calm and told him that he didn't have to yell at me I was there to help him, but he just kept going on and on; so, I broke. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I started crying and I yelled at the poor sick miserable old man. I know I didn't say anything bad to him, but still I felt really bad. The second time it wasn't as bad. A patient just started freaking out thinking I spilled some pee from the badpan on her bed and I kept telling her I didn't when she kept saying I did. I just said I would change her pad and I don't even know why, but I started bawling. My charge nurse asked if I was alright and I freaked on her saying I will never be all right. Yikes, I'm just more embarressed about these situations more then anything.

So, My boss called me today. She heard about the first incident and told me I needed to take some time off. Well, that is nice seeing that I will be off till March 8th already all she had to do is give me Sunday off. I told her that I'm sure it is just the build up until my son's birthday and Angelversary, but she continued to lecture me anyway. I told her I know that it was wrong and that I will be OK. She did tell me that I have to start talking to someone and saving the best for last. She told me that it is time that I get over this and move on. I would have said something or educated her that, that will never happen, but I didn't want to stir the pot that was already troubled. I thought she was the only one in real life that understood, but I guess I was wrong.

BLAH!

2010-02-20T17:11:00.000-05:00

Well, My last chance to be pregnant before Jasper's birthday is gone. I didn't get AF yet, but I tested. I'm 11 DPO and got a BFN. I hate this. I was really hoping to be pregnant so that it would make Jasper's birthday a bit more bearable. I know the pain wouldn't be any less, but being pregnant with Jasper's sister or brother would have made it more bearable.

I can't believe Jasper's birthday is in 12 days. Where did the time go. Did I go through some time warp? It sure feels like it.

Just a quick thank you...

2010-02-17T19:52:00.000-05:00

to Franchesca for my new blog design. I LOOOOOVVEE it SOOOOOO much! I can't stop going to my blog to look at it. Jonathan loves it as well. Thank you so very much!

Some Thank you's and some rambelings

2010-02-13T20:20:00.002-05:00

I would like to say thanks to Megan for writing Jasper's name in the snow. I sure do love to see his name and that other people think of him...

...and Birni for making this beautiful Valentine for Jasper.

Not much going on here. I am still trying to figure out where to have Jasper's Birthday party. I'm thinking Rainbow Springs State Park. I plan on doing a balloon release. I would like to ask a favor if you would on March 4th light a candle or release a balloon and take a pic and send it to me at jasperthomas@live.com. I would be forever grateful. These next few weeks are going to be hard to say the least.

I'm so hoping that the clomid worked this month, I do not want to endure another month of this stuff. I'm so glad I finally ovulated and that I'm no longer the crazy lady. Now, I'm a crazy lady in a different way. I am in the two week wait and that in a sence will drive you crazy. I'm over analyzing every twinge in my body. Symptoms so far are tender breasts, bloated, and that is about it. I think that is pretty good for only being 3dpo (days past ovulation).

I finally made my appts with my doctors. I see my new OB next Thursday and my Hematologist next month on the 21st. I think I overwhelmed the nurse for my new OB with everthing that has happened to me. It will also be interesting to see what my Hematologist says when he finds out that Jasper had a clot in his placenta and why it was never caught by a high risk doctor or my OB. If it had infact been caught early enough I would have been on a higher dose of Lovenox and on strict bed rest. The blood clot had been there a month before I had my emergency c-section, so maybe Jasper would have been close to where he should have been.

I know I have to stop thinking about the what if's? and What should have beens? I just don't know how I can. This is probably the most difficult part of being a baby lost mama.

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Anger, Fear all wrapped in my stomach

2010-02-08T09:58:00.001-05:00

I wanted to thank all of you for such wonderful support you gave me about my last post. I have to admit that I was a bit scared to post it. I have been treated poorly about my belief or lack there of in the past, but it was something I had to get off my chest. I'm so glad and grateful that I have this blog and all of you to help me through these rough times.

I can not believe it has been a full 11 months since this nightmare began. I was so nieve getting admitted into the hospital, being told that if my "condition" gets worse I will have to have an emergency c-setion and that my son may not live. For the past couple of weeks I have been dealing with all of those things in this title. I get to the point where I can't function, I can't even sleep. How has it been almost a full year without my son and through all this I remembered yesterday that I completely forgot about Feb 1st. It marks the day that two years ago I lost my first baby and I only noticed it because I scrolled down to the bottom of my blog and saw my tickers. How could I have forgotten about my first precious lost baby? I feel like such a horrible mom.

The fear is driving my insane. It is a fear that stems from almost 4 and a half years of infertility. I wonder if I will ever get pregnant ever again or if I do, will I lose him/her? Will I have a miscarriage? Will I develop Pre-e and HELLP again? These are all the questions that go through my head on a daily basis. I hate the fact that I feel like this, I hate the fact that I even have to worry about those questions, and most of all I hate the fact that I can't just be a normal women who gets pregnant and has a baby. I just feel like such a failure.

Upset and distraught

2010-02-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to write this for some time now and just was not sure if I should. I just can not hold this in any longer it is eating me alive and I have to write it out.

I need to get this part out first because it has to deal with the main part of the story. I don't know how else to say this, so I will just get on with it.

This has been eating at me since we went to Chicago in November. Jonathan and I went to dinner with his brother and wife, so my brother-in-law and sister-and-law. Like always the conversation started about god and religion. Jonathan and I are both Agnostic, we are unsure that there is a god or an intelligent creator. We are just a couple of people who accept everyone for who they are and expect the same. Well, not with them. My brother-in-law especially. He finds every exuse to argue the subjet. In this case he went to far or he put his foot and his mouth and their is absolutely no way I could ever forgive him for this. The discussion came up about loosing a child and my brother-in-law said pretty much that we lost Jasper because we are godless and evil. I was dumb founded and pissed to say the least. He soon after tried to take this statement back and say something different, but the damage is done with me. I know on some level he meant it when he said it, even if he doesn't know. The people in my life know I'm not an evil person. I am a person who will bend over backwards to help them. I treat EVERYONE with respect and dignity as I expect to be treated and this is what I get and from my own family.

I'm usually a very forgiving person, but I don't know how I can forgive my Brother-in-law for saying what he said.

The way I think of things is that if there is a god. I would hope that he would understand why I didn't believe he exsisted. If a god exsists and he is just like he is in the bible, all mean and unforgiving of people like me who are unsure then so be it. Then it is for me to live with. I don't understand why people get so offended by me being agnostic, it's not like I want to change anyone.

Empty arms and a heavy heart

2010-01-26T00:22:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty tough night two nights ago. I was at work (I work as a CNA at a hospital) and I was sent to the ER to work. I can't even count how many pregnant women came into the ER last night. I did not even want to know what they where there for. The worst part was about 2:30 in the morning when in walks a new mom with her new baby. The baby had a cold. I couldn't even go near the baby without wanting cry and I did. I was cleaning the bed in the next station over and listening to her making baby talk, just making all the sounds that a baby makes. I felt my heart sink and suddenly my arms became so heavy. I want my baby back with me and in my arms.

Another month and Waterfall Angels

2010-01-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Well, yet another month and nothing. I thought for sure I had a shadow of a line about 5 days ago, but I guess not. Now, it is back to clomid time. I wish it didn't have to come to this because I hate myself when I'm on clomid. Oh well, it's all for the greater good.

I also want to introduce my newest blog Waterfall Angels. I'm still working on some of the details of the blog, but I have already put the names I have already done. I can not wait to get started on writing some more names. It makes me happy to do something so special for angel mommies. I have also made a facebook page as well Waterfall Angels

Thank you

2010-01-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

I wanted to give a special thank you to Katy for making Jasper this beautiful plaque. I already have it hanging next to my desk. I absolutely love the scripture as well. Thank you so very much.

My project

2010-01-18T21:21:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post. I stared working on my not so little project. So far I have written and taken pictures of 15 angel's names for 12 different mommies. This is just a small portion of the names that I have written down and ready to go. I know first hand how we all love to see our angels names written in different ways. I did cry while working on them, it is just so sad. I will be posting the pics on a different blog or some other way. I don't want to take away from my precious Jasper's blog.

My poor husband

2010-01-16T18:52:00.000-05:00

Today we went to the mall to do a little bit of shopping and we where in Kmart checking out when I told him I had to use the ladies room and I will be right back. I got up to the front of the store where he was watching a little girl, she was not listening to her mom at all. Jonathan and I walked out and he started laughing and said "That little girl just didn't want to listen to her mama." I snapped at him and didn't mean to. I said "you know what I just don't fucking care." The poor look on his face. I felt so bad. I just don't want to talk about any kids. I told him that and he said "That one day we will have a child either on our own or through adoption." Well, I started bawling. We should not be saying this in future tense. It should be the present. We should be parent's to Jasper. We are parents to Jasper, just not in the way we want to be. It is just not fair.

99 things

2010-01-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

A couple of other fellow blogger's Kristy and Rikki did this and thought I would join in the fun.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog! I am changing what I have done to black as the bold doesn't show up well with the colour scheme on my blog.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

A song, and a couple of udates

2010-01-10T21:00:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I forgot about this song. I used to sing it all the time when I was pregnant with Jasper. I heard it again just a little bit ago and had a meltdown. I miss him so much.

Well, I finally got my pos OPK and officially in the two week wait. I hate the fact that my cycles are so off, the fact that if I don't do those stupid OPK's and temp I will never know when I ovulate. As far as taking a HPT I have know idea when I will. I tested very early with Jasper about a week before I missed my period, so it is just a matter of not letting my obsession with peeing on a stick get to me.

UPDATE: my little project to write everyone's angel's name is still in the works. Due to the recent very cold weather here in Florida. It has been down in the 40's here during the day and 20's at night for the past two weeks and will continue for at least the next week. I have to put it on hold at least until it get's warmer because I have to go to the springs to do my project. That is the only hint I will spill.

OPK RANT!!!!

2010-01-05T03:57:00.000-05:00

I keep forgetting that this blog is also for my tireless journey through Infertility and hopes for a living Rainbow baby.

*Disclaimer I will be using harsh language*

I'm so sick and fucking tired of OPK's. I really don't even know why I continue to use them. I'm currently on cd 20 and the fucking ovulation test will be almost pos one day, then fucking full fledge negative the next. I mean come on I know I have fucked up cycles, but this is getting ridiculous. This was never like this before Jasper. They would gradually get darker until it was postitve. I hope this in not some start to a new fucking problem, because right now I can not handle any new fucking problems. I can not help to wonder why I can not just be normal in the sense that I can get pregnant, have a trouble free pregnancy, and a happy healthy baby? Nope, instead I am to watch everyone else get their dreams while I sit back and watch. It's like the universe is saying on big fuck you to me. I will not sit back and watch quietly, I will do everything in my power to be able to give the universe my middle finger back and say. HA! I fucking beat you. AAAAAAAAHH! Much better at least for now.

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST

2010-01-02T08:29:00.001-05:00

I found this and thought I would share. I just changed it with Jasper's name.

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST
I wish Jasper hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. Jasper lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Jasper, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Jasper's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Jasper; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my Jasper's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of Jasper until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss Jasper and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When Jasper died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before Jasper died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I hope that you will never understand.

Not ready

2009-12-31T09:17:00.000-05:00

I thought I was ready for this year to be over, but the truth is I'm more afraid of next year. I don't want it to be March again. I don't want it to be a year since I met Jasper and had to give him up. I don't want to spend this new year or any without my son. I'm forced to and I hate that more then anything in this world.

Ready

2009-12-24T05:55:00.000-05:00

Well, My chances for ever getting pregnant in 2009 is officially over. I'm wondering if it will ever happen again. I feel as if though somehow that me getting pregnant with Jasper was some sort of fluke. Maybe not the fact that I got pregnant with him just the fact that he was a sticky little bean. I guess after having 3 miscarriages that will do that to ya.

I'm actually kind of relieved that this year is almost over. It was in fact the worst year of my life ever. While I was in the mall I couldn't help, but to watch all those happy families getting ready for their holiday. I also couldn't help being so sickly jealous of them and how they probably don't even realize just how lucky they are.

I would like to let everyone know that I have been reading everyone that I follow even if I don't post a comment I have had severe writers block recently I just don't know what to say without sounding like a broken record. I also have a surprise, I came up with how I want to write all of our angels names, but I'm keeping it a secret until I start to do them which will be real soon.

Lost

2009-12-19T01:50:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now, but just can not seem to figure out what I want to say. I'm sorry in advance if this post seems a bit jumbled, it is because I am. For the past couple of months I don't even feel like myself. It is like I'm a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get back. I have been depressed and mad about everything that has happened over the last 9 months that I don't stop thinking about it, ever, I just want everything that has happened to disappear, I want my son here with me now. I know in my heart that it is impossible. Everywhere I go I have constant reminders that my son is gone. I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I go, even at home on my computer screen. There is really nothing I can do about the outside world, but just now as I am writing this I realized I need to stay away from anything pregnancy/baby realted at home for a while. I'm hoping that it helps, I'm hoping I can find myself again.

Moments

2009-12-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where you are doing something normal and then all of a sudden a thought pops in your head about your angel baby and how he/she would react?
That happened to me while driving home from work today. I was in my car listening to some music and was singing a song being all goofy dancing around in my seat and the thought of Jasper laughing at his mommy for being so goofy. The tears just started and there was no way to stop them. It is so hard to imagine that I will never get to have moments like that with Jasper.

Answers

2009-11-27T18:57:00.000-05:00

I want to thank everyone for asking me questions. I really enjoyed doing this and hope to do it again sometime. Hopefully, one time getting Jonathan to answer some. I'm sure he will.

Anonymous asked
What made you choose the name Jasper Thomas?

Well, I have to be honest about the fact that I was reading the Twilight series at the time so part of it had to do with that, but I put alot of thought in what I would name my son or daughter. When we chose the name it was before we found out we where having a boy. I knew I didn't want to give him a common name I wanted it to be something special that 1,000's of other people have. I did some research and found out that Jasper was last common in the mid to late 1800's and that just about a few hundred people in the world right now is named Jasper. Thomas we got because Jonathan's dad my father in law is named Thomas and also my brother is named Thomas so it was a double plus. My father in law wanted to have a grandchild so bad and I just feel so terrible that I never had a chance to give him that and he passed away in Oct, 2007 so I thought it was fitting. If one day we get to have another son I will still give him the middle name Thomas for his Grandpa, his uncle, and for his big brother.

Bree asked
You and your hubby have been together almost as long as me and my hubby (14 years). We met in high school. Where did you two meet? What took you guys so long to get married? In our case, we were just young and waiting until we finished college. Sometimes I wish we would have started trying to have kids sooner. Heck, I'm gonna be 30 in two months. Also, if you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

We met on May 5, 1996. Earlier in the day my best friend at the time Lesely where leaving to go do something and when she realized she left something in the house she ran in to get it. When she came out she told me her ex-boyfriend called (not Jonathan) and wanted to come over later that night to catch up. She wanted me to meet him so I said I would be there. Anyway, Later that night we waited and waited when I decided to go home. I was about to walk out the door when her phone rang and it was him and said he would be there in less then 5 minutes. She begged me to wait so I did. He showed up and brought a friend and that friend is now my husband, but it was so funny how it all happened. You know Jonathan never even said one thing to me that night it wasn't til two days later that me and Les went to her ex's house and while they where doing "stuff" in another room Jonathan and I bonded while watching her baby. That's when he asked me out.

It took us so long to get married for several different reasons. We where so young. We didn't feel the need to rush into anything. We wanted to make sure that we could live together before getting married. We where also pretty scared, we broth grew up with divorced parents so we wanted to be absolutely sure. I wish we would have really tried to have a baby sooner as well, for the 14 years we have been together it's not like we played it safe the whole time though. When we where together for I think it was 4 or 5 years I went to get my annual done and I was concerned that we never got pregnant yet. We went over everthing and he said that I should go on Birth control for a while to regulate my periods. I was hesitant, but I did. He did tell me that I would get pregnant faster when I came off of them LOL! What a crock of S*#t. I have been off of them for 9 years. We "officially" stared ttc in Sept 2005 that is when I started temping, ovulation tests, pretty much the works. I was 27 when we started and now I'm 32. I thought for sure I would at least of had two babies by the time I was 30; was I ever wrong.

I would love to travel all over. first, starting in Greenland to Iceland, then going to the United Kingdom, from there going to Europe (all over), especially France, Italy, Then to Australia I would love to walk on Christian's beach.

Franchesca Cox asked
If you could be any place right now, where would it be? What things remind you of Jasper?

I really would like to be back in Chicago for good. I miss it there, it is where all my family is and I miss them so much. After losing Jasper it pains me to be away from my neice's and nephew's like I have missed out on being apart of their life and I will never get that back.

So many things remind me of Jasper. The ones nearest and dearest to my heart is His teddy bear, Butterflies, and Cardinals. I often get reminded of Jasper when I eat something like at this place called Charley's I would eat a chicken philly and while I would be eating it Jasper would kick so much I knew he loved what I was eating, or when I would listen to the Twilight soundtrack to and from work he would start moving around. Also, how he would start moving around the second I would fall asleep and wake me up. I miss that feeling of him alive and safe so much.

Mommato2miracles asked
I know this is so personal and i haven't been able to read your blog lately as my son has had MORE health issues (he is the one that I had SEVERE HELLP with) anyways what have you decided about the future and trying again to conceive? What research have you found about HELLP that leads you to those decisions? I am starting to think about a baby again, but it is so terrifying to think of, and to remember how sick I was, and how we both almost died, and how now my son has all these health issues. Just wondering what you are thinking about the future

Oh boy, have I ever thought about this. We are currently trying again because of my age we don't want to wait too long because it did take us 3 years to get Jasper, but I'm scared shitless. My experience with Pre-e and HELLP was touch and go. I did develop it early and was admitted to the hospital a week before I had my emergency c-section. During that week my B/P was up and down (mostly up), my labs where all over the place Liver enzymes going up and down, Platlet counts doing the same as well was the protein in my urine. When the pain started in my abdomen I didn't know what I should do because I had the pain before since about 17 weeks my pains started and all my levels where normal then so I was afraid that it was something like my gallbladder having attacks. Well, when the pain started my B/P was low, liver enzymes slightly elevated, and platlet counts where pretty close to normal, but the doctors where so afraid they kept telling me I could die so I agreed to the emergency c-section out of pure fear. The research I have done lead me to believe that there is a huge possibility of this happening again, but most likely occur later in the pregnancy. There is also a decent chance that it won't happen again at all. I wish you luck in what ever you decide. It is a hard choice.

Questions and Answers

2009-11-25T06:18:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to do this post for some time now. A post where everyone asks me questions it could be one, two, or five. You may ask any kind of question and I will answer all the questions in the next post.

Special thanks..

2009-11-20T05:01:00.000-05:00

To Rikki for thinking of Jasper and writing his name on a precious rock and sending the picture to me. I can't express just how happy it makes me that so many think of my precious Jasper. Just know that I too think of all your angels and am trying to think of so special way to write all of your angels as well.

Special thank you..

2009-11-17T02:33:00.000-05:00

To Holly at Caring for Carleigh for writing Jasper's name on a beautiful fall leaf.

I would also like to say sorry for being such an awful blogger and commenter. I am reading all of your blogs that I follow. I have been in such funk. My depression is back ten fold and am actually considering going on medication again. I'm going to wait until January to try see if I can get through thim myself and if not then everything goes on hold until I can "heal". I quoted the word heal because I'm not sure if anyone can ever trully heal from something like loosing a child.

I don't even know why I bother to get my hopes up each cycle. I thought for sure we timed it just right, but nope stupid witch showed up. I guess deep down inside I hoped everyone that told me that once you get pg it will be easier the next time where actually right for a change. Damn stupid infertility, YOU SUCK!

Grief and bitterness

2009-11-13T01:33:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it has only been 8 months since Jasper was born and passed away it feels like it has been and eternity. My grief seems to keep getting worse as the time passes. Lately, I find myself getting so angry over the stuff I can't control. Like seeing pregnant women everywhere I go, it is really driving me insane and seeing babies that are around the age that Jasper should be right now. My latest is when I see Jasper's name, but someone elses baby I don't know I just feel like that is my son's name and no one else is aloud to use it. I know it is crazy, it just really hurts to see his name with a different babies face. I know this to shall pass
(I hope).

I just got back from Chicago, yet another trip I had to make without my son and it was the worst. I'm not saying it was a bad trip, but just my saddness that Jasper was not with us. I spent alot of time with my niece (Kimmy 7yo) and nephew (Andy 9yo). I always have fun when I am with them. I did learn though that my sister has never shown them a picture of Jasper and figured when I was ready I should show them. I did end up showing them a couple of pics of Jasper when he was still alive I figured they where to young to see the ones when he was gone. I don't even think they really understood what they where looking at. I can't wait for the day that they can fully understand everything about there cousin Jasper.

While I was in Chicago I got my memorial tattoo for Jasper and I love how it turned out.

Another man's story

2009-11-06T02:38:00.000-05:00

Thank you all who replied to my last post failure. I'm was in a bad way and still am. I thought this was supposed to get easier, but it's not. I wish my insurance never cut me off with counseling. For those who asked about Jasper's clothing drive the link is at the top of my blog. Just click on the pic of his little feet

Recently I met a man in his 60's and we got to talking. He asked me "if I was married?". My answer yes. "How long?" 6 years, but been together almost 14 years. Then for the dreaded question "Any kids?" Yes, but he is no longer with us. He asked me "How long has it been?" so I told him almost 8 months and here is where everyone starts saying "god has a plan" and "everything happens for a reason" bull shit. Nope, not him. He said "that he knows how I feel and the pain does get better." I told him that I hope so because this pain I feel hurts alot. Then he said "That he himself lost a son at 14 months old 40 years ago and continued to tell me his story about what happend to his son. His son was born with blue baby syndrome and at 12 months had the surgery and was getting better starting to get his normal color. Both he and his wife weren't paying attention for a couple of seconds and he fell out of his highchair ended up in the hospital because of it and passed away 6 days later. When he was telling me his story he started to cry so I grabbed his hand and we both cried. He told his story as if it happened yesterday. I guess the point of my story is the pain may lessen, but we will always remember.

I will be away in Chicago for the next week, so I won't be able to read.

Failure

2009-11-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been feeling like such a failure. It seems like I can't do anything right and I'm not talking about just having a baby that is just the biggest of all my failures. I mean that everything I seem to do I fail. Going back to school, I keep changing my mind and want to do something different. I also feel like I'm failing at even being a wife; even though my husband would disagree. I don't clean anymore, not since Jasper died. I keep the house free of garbage and all and tidy looking for the most part, but when it comes to dusting, vaccuuming, sweeping, mopping, Etc. well that is a loss cause. My recent failure is the clothing drive in memory of Jasper. I thought I did everything in my power to get the word out there, but it wasn't good enough. I still have not received one thing. I know there are a couple of people sending some stuff out soon and I know that I won't be giving the hospital the donations that I get until Jasper's first birthday, but I thought I would have gotten a couple of donations by now. I have posted signs where I was allowed, posted on numerous websites for baby loss, so I'm at a loss for words. I hate asking for help, but I think I need it. The hospital where Jasper was born knows there is a donation coming and I don't want to show up empty handed. The link for the clothing drive is on the top of my blog.

I made this for Jasper on facebook. In memory of Jasper Thomas

Still?

2009-10-29T21:56:00.006-04:00

I can't believe I'm still running into people that have no idea what has happened. Two people this week so far. One was my hairstylist. She didn't come out and ask about Japer, but I could tell she was looking around for him so I had to just tell her. The other was today at the book store I ran into a Dr. that has privilages in the hospital that I work at and she asked me about the baby. I didn't even know how she knew I was pregnant at the time of my pregnancy I was working at an out patient rehab facility as a Rehab Tech. I was a bit taken off by that, so yet again I have to explain everything that has happened. At least I didn't have to explain about Pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome to her like I normally have to do.

Ready to quit

2009-10-28T08:50:00.002-04:00

Well first let me tell you a bit about the situation. I work as a CNA in a 119 bed hospital in a small town in Florida. We usually don't have days like this, but last night I was ready to quite not only because of the situation, but because of some of my co-workers as well. It all started about 8 p.m. I was asked to go into a room with a patient to help her do something the patient was very short of breath and needed my help with something so as she was doing what she needed to do which he needed to be flat for and if you ever have been short of breath the last thing you want to do is be flat on your back, anyhow I was holding the patients hand and just trying to get him to relax while the nurse was doing what needed to be done. Ten minutes later I was in with another patient and I hear that dreaded code call for that patient. I stop what I was doing to go see what I needed to help with and just the site of him being intubated and them breathing for him with the Ambu-bag made me start having flashbacks of getting to the NICU and seeing them work on Jasper with the Ambu-bag. I panicked and started crying. Now, here comes the fucked up part when I was asked what was wrong from a couple of co-workers they just rolled their eyes at me and just walked away one of them had the nerve to say "AWWW shit you need to stop doing this to yourself, your son is up in heaven now" I wanted to tell her what I really thought about that. I just didn't want to start an argument.

I know the whole situation was not about me, but this was the first code I have been a part of since starting back at the hospital. The last time I ever saw a code was when they where coding my son. I think I am aloud to be a bit upset about it. The whole situation about how I was treated by some of my co-workers sucked and I just didn't want to be any where around them any more.

Name in the sky

2009-10-27T04:36:00.004-04:00

Thank you so much to Ashley at Babies in the sky for writing Jasper's name in the sky. I absolutely love it. I wish so much I could do something for each of you because you have done so much for me and I have not done anything in return and for that I'm sorry. I do not have an artistic bone in my body and some of the stuff I would have thought of someone else thought of it before I did.

Once apon a time...

2009-10-25T00:50:00.006-04:00

In a time that seemed a long time ago. There was a young girl named Lisa. She was just like every other girl who planned her wedding, and dreamed of having a family of her own. She had lots of baby dolls to pretend with and she loved to play with them. She spent lots of time feeding them, changing their clothes, and changing their diapers.
Eventually, that young girl grew up and met her prince charming named Jonathan.
Jonathan and Lisa where engaged for seven years before they got married on Nov 11, 2003. In Sept of 2005 Jonathan and Lisa decided they where going to get serious about starting a family of their very own so Lisa started taking her temperature every morning, checking her cervical mucous, and doing Ovulation prediction tests. Finally, after one year and three months Lisa saw her first positive pregnancy test. Seeing those two lines was the happiest moment because she knew her family was about to begin. Sadly, all her dreams came to a screeching halt on Feb 1, 2007 when she lost their first baby. They did not give up they kept trying to get the family they wanted, but sadly they miscarried their next two babies as well.
Jonathan and Lisa kept trying for that family that they wanted. They went to special doctors, started taking medicine, and Lisa under went alot of tests to see why they where not getting the family they where trying for.
On Sept 30, 2008 Lisa found out she was pregnant once again, but she did not get her hopes up. She thought for sure she will miscarry this baby as well. Much to her surprise the pregnancy tests kept getting darker as was the blood tests that kept doubling like they where supposed to and that has never happened before. Jonathan and Lisa got their hopes up and waited until Oct 20, 2008 to finally see their baby's heart beat for the first time and it was the most beautiful site. Many things happened that scared Jonathan and Lisa during the pregnancy, but everything seemed to be going OK. That was until Feb 26, 2009 when Lisa went for a routine check up with my Hematologist Jonathan and Lisa was told that she needed to get to the hospital to be admitted for observation because her Liver Enzymes where high and Platelet counts where low. They went straight to the hospital where in 24 hours Lisa was diagnosed with mild Pre-eclampsia and need to stay in the hospital until birth for observation. Jonathan and Lisa didn't realize that it would only be a week before their son was born at six and a half months because Lisa developed severe Pre-eclampsia at that point along with HELLP syndrome. Their son only lived for 36 hours he was to small to survive out of his mommy's belly.
Jonathan and Lisa are still waiting for their happy ending.

I wish I could go into the past and tell that little girl that what she was dreaming of is only a fairy tale.

Anger

2009-10-22T17:18:00.004-04:00

It has been a while since posting. I have been reading everyone that I follow just been too busy to write anything.

Ever since coming off of Prozac I have been a walking time bomb waiting to go off. When I was on it I honestly don't know how to describe it except for I felt stuck like I could not move on. Being off of it has made me feel again, I'm now able to cry again, get mad about everything that has happened, and just feel like I can be sad again. Prozac just wouldn't let me feel all of these things therefore I don't think I was healing or getting any better, just frozen in time. Does that all make sense?

Will this feeling of being punched in the gut, and anger ever go away every time I see a pregnant women or a baby? I can't deal with this anymore, I don't want to feel like this, but every time I see either I just want to go off screaming, yelling, cursing well you get the picture. I'm also so sick and tired of the media glamorizing celebrity pregnancy. Every time I look at a damn magazine there is a pregnant celeb, one trying to get pregnant, or one with a newborn. I'm SICK of it.

Now, to save the most fucked up for last. There is this young girl that I know and guess what she's pregnant. She is young, she doesn't have a pot to piss in, and get this when asked how she will be able to care for a child, she says (can't remember exactly what she said) something like faith will help her or some shit like that. The last time I checked faith doesn't pay the damn bills, buy diapers or clothes, the last time I checked faith does absolutely nothing for you except give you false hope.

The midnight orange

2009-10-16T22:22:00.002-04:00

I have been following a wonderful blog called My Very Own Angel and came across a wonderful artist. Dana makes the most beautiful sculptures and each one of them have a very powerful meaning. Her website is The Midnight Orange
Take a few minutes and check it out.

Pregnancy and infant loss day 2009

2009-10-15T10:14:00.003-04:00

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is a special day where we can all recognize the babies we have lost, no matter the cause. Tonight at 7:00 P.M. I will be lighting a candle for each of my children that I have lost. My son Jasper Thomas and the three litte angels that I lost early in the 1st trimester of pregnancy.

Bad news and even more bad news

2009-10-11T05:37:00.003-04:00

Well, My first month back trying again is a complete bust. I'm so disappointed even though I knew it probably wouldn't happen. I also found out that I did have HELLP, It's been confirmed and I'm pissed about it this put me and my next baby at great risk, but I will do everything possible for it NOT to happen again.

I have been working so much overtime recently which has been helping me keep my mind off of everything. I have also been falling behind on reading the blogs that I follow and I feel bad about that because everyone here has helped me so much I would like to be able to do the same in return. I have a couple of days off so I will be going back and reading.

September Secret Garden Meeting

2009-10-07T05:12:00.002-04:00

“This month we feel that we need to focus on the positive things that have helped us in this journey so far. We know that for some of you it is still very early days and that you may not be able to see any light right now, so that is why we are sharing about things that have helped us the most in the hope that you may see something that has helped someone else that could possibly benefit you”.

There are three things/people that have helped me through this painful and tough journey.

The number one person that has helped me in this new life is my Jonathan. Without him I don’t think I would have ever survived this nightmare. He dragged me back into life kicking and screaming, and he never gave up. He may have gotten upset with me on one or two occasions and I’m glad he did.

Number two would be my blog along with the wonderful women that follow it and the women that I follow. It is bittersweet to find people that understand the pain i'm going through.

Number three is the fertilityfriend website. I joined the site just so that I could do my ovulation charting on-line and not by hand anymore, but when I ventured over to the community I found some wonderful women to talk to and still continue to find wonderful women to talk to even after 2 years.

My Do's and Don'ts

2009-10-02T08:44:00.009-04:00

I have seen this done on a few other blogs and decided to make one especially for me, for my situation. I will most likely be adding to this as time goes on. Seeing that the more people I happen to tell or find out about Jasper, the more people will say some stupid shit.

1) I am a mother so recognize me as one. Just because my children are not with me does not mean I should not be recognized.

2) Don’t say that I need to “move on’, I will never “move on” ask yourself would you be able to just “move on” if you lost a child? If that answer is no which I’m sure it will be if you’re not a cold heartless person, then do not tell me too.

3) Do not tell me that god has a plan. Honestly, I don’t care if god has a plan or not. I had a plan and that plan was to love and nurture my child for many years alive. Truthfully, don’t even mention god. The way I feel if there is in fact a god then he is an asshole for taking away my baby. I have lost all my faith in anything spiritual period. Actually, it has been lost for quit some time. This does not make me an Atheist (someone who does not believe in any god), it makes me an agnostic (someone who is unsure of a spiritual being). I have gone through so many bad things that I do have the right to be unsure.

4) If you can’t think of anything to say then don’t say anything, just never say to me that there is a reason, that thing’s happen for a reason. I swear I’m going to flip out the next time someone says that to me.

5) Don’t ask me why I carry around pictures of my son? The answer will ALWAYS be because he IS my son and ALWAYS will be I love him and very proud of him and will ALWAYS show him off even if he is not with me.

6) Don’t just ignore me when I talk about my pregnancy, I was pregnant for six and a half months. I want to talk about my pregnancy I felt my son kick, I gave birth to him.

7) Please if you can’t think of anything to say, just say I’m sorry for your loss and stop there.

8) Ask me about my son, I do want to talk about him. Just because he is not with me
doesn't mean he wasn't real.

9) Don't just ignore the subject because you think I will get hurt, it hurts more when you ignore him.

...More to come (I'm sure).

One year ago today...

2009-09-30T09:21:00.003-04:00

... at approx. 12:30 p.m. Eastern time. I got my first positive pregnancy test with Jasper at 9dpo. I miss the excitment and panic of that day and the 6 and a half months that followed.

I made a slide show of my pregnancy with Jasper

2009-09-26T21:36:00.003-04:00

Happy birthday our first angel

2009-09-26T21:36:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday my precious first angel! Today you would have been 2 years old. You where with us for such a short time, you grew in mommy’s belly for 5w 6d and today Sept 26th was your estimated due date. We will always reflect on this day as if it is your birthday and wonder what you would have been like and who you would have looked like. I believe in my heart that you where a girl and would have looked just like me, just as I looked like your nannie. We will always miss you our sweet little angel.

I'm pissed, I hate insurance companies

2009-09-24T17:25:00.004-04:00

Well, I got a call the other day from my counselor and my stupid insurance will not pay for anymore counseling for me. According to DR. D my insurance will pay for only 12 visits a year. WHAT? I'm so fucking pissed off right now I feel like moving anywhere just to get out of the states. I don't have the money to just pay for it $80a week or even every other week for that matter. How could they do this to me? Counseling was really helping me. I need it now more then ever, I'm coming of Prozac right now and at a very critical state in my recovery and grieving process. I would go to a group support, but the don't have any close to me and once a month is not enough I need the one on one support. I'm so sick of it all the insurance companies care about is the fucking money and the the people they insure and their well being. I pay them all this money for what? To be charged an arm and a leg anyway.

Thank you's and Emotions

2009-09-21T23:07:00.005-04:00

I want to thank Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages for making this beautiful collage for us, we will cherish it forever.

I would also like to thank Sarah at Say it with flowers for writing Jasper's name on a flower. I was finally able to purchase my wonderful picture so I can share it with all of you. I would also like to mention that Jasper's name being on a tulip brings a special memory because tulips just happens to be Jasper's great-grandpa's favorite flower and had them planted in his garden and the tiger lily next to it happens to be one of my favorites.

I can't believe the roller coaster of emotions I have been having since I have decided to come off of Prozac. It almost feels like I've been paused in time and now my life is starting to play again in slow motion. It will take about a month for it all to leave my system. I wish I never started taking it, but the only reason why I had to, is because I was forced to go back to work too soon. I will continually have to keep reminding myself that I don’t want to go back to the way I was before I had to start. Before the Prozac my poor Jonathan had to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming, I never wanted to leave my house ever again. It was even worse when I saw a pregnant women or a baby. I would freak out, runaway and cry. Now, when I see a pregnant woman or baby it feels like I got punched in the gut a few times. I don’t have that urge to run any more or at least if I do; I don’t. I’m so glad Jonathan never gave up on me. I would be a mess without him.

Well, I’m officially in the TWW (two week wait). I really don’t think we will end up pregnant this cycle, but you never know. If we did end up pregnant in this cycle it would be to close to Jasper’s due date and I would be worried OH, 95% of the time, not that I wouldn’t be anyway if we got pregnant a couple of months from now. When my next cycle starts that is when I start doing everything again, by everything I mean temperatures every day, I bought those new fertility tests that First Response has that you do on day 3 of your cycle to see if you have a good egg reserve, ovulation tests, and then when it is time a pregnancy test or two or three. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already I’m a POAS-aholic (POAS = pee on a stick).

My special reminder of Jasper

2009-09-18T23:51:00.005-04:00

Danielle at Letting go and letting god posted I'm posting a MckLinky up at the bottom of this post, and would love if you could write a post that introduces a special stuffed animal, blanket, or even something random that makes you think about your baby. Even if you haven't lost a baby you are welcome to participate. If you have other children living and would like to include what makes you think of them, I would love to read about it.

The one thing that reminds me most of Jasper is his teddy bear. I didn't get his teddy bear until after he had already passed away, but it was the thought that counts the most. I was supposed to get him his teddy bear the day I was admitted into the hospital.

A visit from my 4 angels

2009-09-17T08:48:00.005-04:00

Tuesday Jonathan and I came home from the mall and our across the street neighbors have this really pretty bottle brush tree in their front yard. Well, as we where driving up our driveway I noticed some yellow butterflies flying around this tree. I immediately ran to the tree to watch them and noticed there was 4 of them one for each of my precious angels. This was the best picture of them I could get. Oh, How I miss each of them so much. It makes me so happy to know that they are all together.

The day of Feb 26, 2009

2009-09-15T23:18:00.006-04:00

Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful comments. I no longer feel selfish or bad in any way. She did say she was sorry that she kept rambeling on about her daughter and I told her not to be; that she had no way of knowing about my precious son.

I've been thinking alot lately about Feb 26, 2009. That was the day I was admitted into the hospital. I had an appointment an hour away from my house in Gaineseville, Fl. I should have never went. I should have stayed closer to home, just a few day earlier I was in OB because of contractions due to a UTI that I didn't know I had. I will rewind a little bit to that night. I was at home and started having pain in the upper abdomen that would tighten my whole belly, so off to L & D we go. I was taken upstairs, told to pee in a cup, and got put on the monitor. 20 minutes go by a nurse finally walks in tells me I'm having contractions every 5 minutes, I have a UTI, I have protien in my urine, and my BP is super high. 180's over 90's. I was given my first dose of Procardia to stop the contractions and I asked about the risk of Pre-eclampsia I've been doing my reading. She then began to reassure me that the protien and the BP was probably due to the contractions. She is an OB nurse of course I'm going to believe her. After 4 doses of the Procardia contracions have stopped and my BP is finally normal. The only thing that is reassuring me is my active little boy, his heart rate is staying strong and normal and he wouldn't stop trying to kick the monitor off. It was so funny to watch him try though. A few hours go by and my OB comes in says the contractions have stopped and I could go home. She asked me if I wanted a script for the Procardia to take at home and stupid me told her no, because it made me feel like crap. I was very surprised that she didn't do a cervical check or another pee test to check for protien. I even asked her about it and she wasn't worried. She is the OB so I believe her.

Back to Feb 26th. I had an appointment with Dr. L my Hematologist because I do have Factor V and was on Lovenox. I figured this is an appt I shouldn't miss so I went. This was also the day I was going to go to Build a Bear and make Jasper's bear. Anyway, this was very different then the other appts that I have had there. We waited for Dr. L for a long time before he came in. They kept telling us he was waiting on my blood work to come back. When he came in he looked very concerned, he told me I would have to go to the hospital to be evaluated over night because my platlet counts where low and my liver enzymes where high on top of my BP being 130's over 80's. He said I might have Pre-eclampsia and that going to the hospital to be evaluated was the only way to know for sure. So, I went to the hospital after alot of trying to get out of it. I already wrote the next part of the story you can read it here Jasper's birth story.

It makes me so freaking mad that my OB didn't look into anything further when I was in L & D. I don't understand her logic for not doing so. I know she is the only OB in that hospital, but if she is so overworked that she can't do her job she should hire another OB for her practice. I will be looking for a new OB, but the problem is I live in a small county and have to travel to go anywhere else because the other practice in the county is crap as well.

Feeling bad about being selfish

2009-09-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

I did something unintentional last night at work and now I feel so bad. I worked on a different floor last night and one of the girls just got off of maternity leave and was talking about her daughter all the time. I really didn't care about it I just tuned her out like I usually do. Well, working at night we usually just bring our food to the nurses station and eat there; so that is what I did and I pulled out the recent book that I'm reading and I have a bookmark that I made with a pic of Jasper, his footprints, and his name in the sand. I meant to put my bookmark upside down, but I didn't and she saw it and started asking questions so I explained what happened to Jasper. From then on out she didn't mention her daughter at all. I know she was being nice and respectful to my feelings, but I should have said something. I was being selfish and now I feel like crap.

Jasper's urn

2009-09-12T20:04:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a very sad day. We got Jasper's urn and put him in his final resting spot. I really love how it turned out, it is perfect. A huge part of me is so mad about myself for likeing how it turned out so much. I don't want my son to be in there. I want him home with me in his crib, crying for me to pick him up.
Here are the picture of my precious Jasper's final resting place.

This is the front:

This is the top:

This is the right:

This is the left:

On the road back from zombieville

2009-09-11T02:25:00.004-04:00

First, I want to give a special thanks to Debby at For your tears for sending me this precious handkerchief. I will cherish it forever.

We finally got a call today that Jasper's urn in finally ready. I don't know why I'm so afraid to go get it. To finally put Jasper in his final resting place crushes my heart. I don't want to, but I know I have to. So very sad.

The time has finally come for me to start weaning myself off of Prozac and it is about time I had the courage to do it. I start the lower dosage tomorrow and I can't wait to be free from zombie land. Jonathan is really worried about it he thinks that I'm going to retreat back into a severe depression state where I won't want to leave my house again and he thinks I will get very moody. I hope he is wrong and I can pull through this without retreating or being moody.

I'm still trying to decide if I should start trying again this cycle or next. I want to start this cycle, but then if by some miracle I get pregnant with a sticky bean I would be due in June again and I don't know if I have the nerves to be able to handle that.

I started another blog this one is called From the Sky to the Ground it is pictures that I have taken and the meaning behind them. If you decide to look at it I hope you enjoy.

Six months, but it feels like an eternity

2009-09-07T22:54:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe that it has only been six months when it feels like an eternity.
I can never understand why it feels like it has been so long when it has only been such a short time? I shut down this weekend or at least I let my mind and body shut down. I couldn't let myself deal with this so I slept practically straight through the weekend. I did allow myself to get up and do some things, but I was miserable and still am. Remembering everything that happened March 4th to the 6th brings up so much pain. I just don't want to believe that it happened. When the nurse rushed in my room and told us to get to the NICU was the worst moment in my life. Watching them working on my son trying to bring him back, I can't even explain how that felt it was so horrible. I have seen all of this before working in the hospital, but on older people that it is pretty much there time to go. It was not my son's time, not yet he was not supposed to leave us so soon. I know he was still fighting even though we made the decision to take him off life support and what will always haunt me to know that every time I spoke to my son as I held him is that his heart rate would rise and I knew he was hearing his Mommy. Mommy will always love and miss you my precious Jasper.

Sad week

2009-09-05T06:57:00.003-04:00

This has been quit a sad week. On Monday I found out one of my old co-workers lost her daughter. She was around 20 weeks went in for the big ultrasound and found many problems the biggest one being a heart defect. She was induced and her daughter passed away in her arms. Then I hear about poor Craig and Mirne losing Jet. I am at a loss for words. I am so sad.

I got an Honest Scrap award

2009-09-01T02:26:00.004-04:00

I was given the Honest Scrap Award from Jennifer over at The Blue Sparrow. This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul. So thank you so much Jennifer for the recognition.

There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

The following are blogs that I read and find comfort in the words and feelings written. All have walked or are just beginning their walk down the road of recovering from the loss of thier precious babies. Here are the 7 Blogs that I consider worthy of the award;

My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy - http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/

I love you to the moon and back
http://mooooonandback.blogspot.com/

My Forever family
http://my4evababies.blogspot.com/

My journey
http://myjourney-brycesmummy.blogspot.com/

The journey of a ruby baby
http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/

Nicholas’ touch
http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/

I’m trying to live with the loss of 2 babies within 10 months
http://imtryingangie.blogspot.com/

Ten honest and interesting things about me:

1) I can make anyone laugh or smile, when I want to.

2) I hate to cook, but I can cook. I’m so glad that Jonathan understands. I will cook on occasion and if Jasper had stayed with us I would have cooked a lot more.

3) I love to take pictures of anything. My biggest thing these days are cloud formations, especially storm clouds. Usually if I see something I like I take a picture of it.

4) I have an all black cat named Jackie “O”. The O is for Onasis. She acts just like her. LOL!

5) I love to travel. Jonathan and I have driven through 22 states most of them several times in America since we have been together.

6) I collect rocks from everywhere that I have visited. States, state parks, ETC. I don’t even have them labeled, but I can tell you where they are all from.

7) I’m the oldest of 4 girls (2 are half sisters on my dad’s side), and one brother. I’m also the oldest grandchild on both my mom and dad’s side. I have 5 nephews and 4 nieces.

8) I never stop thinking of Jasper ever. Everything that has happened in the last 6 months and the fact that he should be here right now. I sleep with his one and only toy which is the Bear that I made for him at Build A Bear and his blanket is under my pillow.

9) I’m obsessed with reading vampire novels ever since I have seen and read twilight. Ever since I lost Jasper 6 months ago I have read 20 on my 21st vampire novel. I guess it helps me escape to a fantasy life.

10) I’m a purse/bagaholic. I have over 2oo bags most of them are cheapies from Kmart, Target, Walmart, Etc. I have 1 coach going to be 2 sometime soon and 3 Dooney & Bourke’s.

Thank you to everyone for your amazing support. HUGS!

The Secret Garden (August Meeting)

2009-08-29T01:06:00.004-04:00

This month we are talking about our babies bedrooms and their belongings. There are a few questions all with in the same topic and because all of our stories differ some questions may not apply to you. If you would like you can just write about your experience or you can answer the questions individually. Of course you do not have to answer them all they are just simply there for you to share your experience so please just answer what you feel comfortable with.

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

It is a beautiful spacious room really close to ours, it is on the second floor and when you look out the window, all you can see is trees.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

I wish we did have it ready. I feel bad for not having it ready, but in order to do that we had to move a couple of rooms around. The office was supposed to move downstairs and the guest bedroom (Jasper’s room) was moving into the office. We were working on getting all of the baby stuff we were going to need and move the rooms around after he was born. We wanted him to stay close to us for the first few months anyway so it was perfectly fine for us.

If so, how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was pure agony. I was only 25 weeks into the pregnancy when I had Jasper and after having three miscarriages I was afraid to start buying stuff earlier on. When we found out at our 19-week ultrasound that we our baby was a boy I could not help it I started buying some things for him, well mostly clothes. When I finally got the nerve to step into his room; I just laid on the guest bed and cried for hours.

Did you pack it all away?

Just some of the smaller things like bottles, and diapers.

What is your baby's room now?

It is still the guest room that has Jasper’s ashes, all of his clothes, his birth and death certificate, my pregnancy memory box, and hopefully I will have Jasper’s urn very soon.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant, again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

I will always fear setting up a baby’s room before he/she is born. Next time I think it will work out the same way. We will buy all his/her stuff, next time I will not buy stuff until I pass 30 weeks and will set up the room after he/she is born.

It's about time to sadness to ruined moment

2009-08-27T23:04:00.007-04:00

It only took 3 months, but we finally got a call from the Funeral home. The company that we put our special order in for Jasper's urn, finally said that they would be able to do everything we wanted. I was just about ready to give up and go to a different Funeral home. We go there Monday and look at the pictures to see what his urn will look like.

I can't believe I have to put my son in an urn and not in his crib. I miss him so much. I would give anything just to have him in my arms and not have to go through all this pain. It has been almost six months since he was taken from me and I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. Why is it that we can't remember happy memories like it was yesterday? Why is it you can only remember the sad stuff that way?

Last night at work one of my co-workers asked me if I have a picture of Jasper. Being the proud mommy of an angel that I am, I pulled out my photo album that I keep in my purse of him. I have in there my favorite ultrasound pictures, the last pic of me pregnant with Jasper, I have pics of him alive and fighting and pics of him after he became an angel. A few of my co-workers looked at him and ooed and awwed and I was loving it. What mother wouldn't? Anyway, one girl just had to ruin my moment when she asked me why I would carry pics of him if he was gone? I just simply told her that he is my son and I love to show him off no matter what. One of my co-workers that was sitting next to me backed me up, she said she would do the exact same thing if it was her child. I wanted to give her the biggest hug for sticking up for me. I did say thank you.

I did some researh on HELLP syndrome

2009-08-23T22:00:00.006-04:00

I've been hearing alot about HELLP in association with Pre-e so I decided to research it and find out what it is all about. What I have learned was that:

"What is HELLP syndrome?
HELLP syndrome is a rare but serious illness in pregnancy. This illness can start quickly, most often in the last 3 months of pregnancy (the third trimester). It can also start soon after you have your baby. HELLP stands for Hemolysis, Elevated Liver enzyme levels and a Low Platelet count. These are problems that can occur in women with this syndrome.

Women with HELLP syndrome may have bleeding problems, liver problems and blood pressure problems that can hurt both the mother and the baby.

Who gets HELLP syndrome?
We don't know the cause of HELLP syndrome. We also don't know who will get it. Any pregnant woman may get this illness.

Most women who will get HELLP have blood pressure problems before they get HELLP syndrome. (But you can get HELLP syndrome even if your blood pressure is normal.)

You're more likely to get HELLP syndrome if you're white and over 25 years of age. You are also more likely to get it if you have had children before or if you had a problem with a pregnancy in the past.

How can I tell if I have HELLP syndrome?
If you have HELLP syndrome, you may feel tired. You may have pain in the upper right part of your belly. You may have bad headaches and nausea or vomiting. You may have swelling, especially in your face and hands. Rarely, you may notice bleeding from your gums or other places.

Because many healthy pregnant women also have these symptoms late in pregnancy, it may be hard to know for sure if you have HELLP syndrome. Your doctor may order blood tests if you have these symptoms or if your blood pressure is high." familydoctor.org

It was easier for me to copy and past from the website. I was never told I had HELLP with my Pre-e, but it honestly sounds like I did by the description of it. I had elevated liver enzymes and low platlet counts that was one of the biggest reasons why I was admitted into the hospital and also the protein in my urine, but we didn't know that until I was admitted. I had also had pain in my upper abdomen which they said the day they delivered could be my liver swelling and they didn't want to take any chances. I honestly don't think it was my liver, I feel like it may have been gull stones because I still get the same pain today only not as bad. I'm getting it checked out. I also have a blood clotting disorder and was on Lovenox during my pregnancy.

I just don't understand why they wouldn't tell me if I had HELLP as well as the pre-e? I plan on talking to my Perinatologist about it when I see her for my pre-conception visit. Now, I wish I didn't do any research I have to stop doing that.

I think I'm ready to start trying again....

2009-08-23T19:54:00.004-04:00

These are some big words for me. After losing Jasper I had no desire to go through the hole trying thing ever again. It took us three years to get him only to have him ripped away by Pre-e. I wonder how long it will take us this time, hopefully not as long as it took to get Jasper. Trying again scares the heck out of me, but seeing as that I'm not one to give up, I'm ready. We will be waiting until my October cycle because trying again next cycle will be to hard. One year ago Jasper was concieved, well actually we found out on Sept 30, 2008 that I was pregnant. If by chance we do get pregnant the first month I will be scared if Jasper's and the next baby have the same or close to same due dates.

The last two weeks

2009-08-22T03:43:00.004-04:00

I have decided that I am going to change the title of my blog. About two weeks ago, I opened my blog to read it, started staring at the title In memory of Jasper Thomas, and while there is nothing wrong with the title. I started crying I know I can come up with something better for me and for what Jasper represents to Jonathan and me. I am still not 100% on what the title will be, but I will expect to have it changed with in 24 hours. I will be keeping the link the same.

It has been officially two weeks since I began my new job and shift. I went from being a Rehab Tech to finally going back to be a Patient Care Tech and from working eight hour day to working twelve hour nights. It has definitely been interesting I am still trying to get used to it all. I am very grateful to be working with some of the people I used to work with on the floor before I left three years ago to work in Rehab. Of course, none of them knew about Jasper or what had happened to us; so I have been telling our story repeatedly over the last couple of weeks. I definitely do not mind I like being able to tell people about my special little angel. It makes me feel like they are aware that he was very much real.

I have also been very eager to stop taking Prozac; I cannot stand the way it makes me feel. I feel like an emotionless zombie; as if I am off in my own little Lisa world that I cannot escape. I fear that it is doing more harm then good. That is the only way I will ever know if Prozac is doing more harm then good.

I would like so give a special thanks to two amazing women who sent me a very special gift: Thank you so much to Bree, her blog is My Baby Butterfly Ella for sending me Jasper’s Butterfly and Lea, her blog is Nicholas’ Touch for sending me Jasper’s angel wings. I adore them and have them both hanging in Jasper’s room.

The clothing drive blog is finally up and running

2009-08-06T21:25:00.003-04:00

I finally had time to finish it today. YAY!
It is http://jasperthomasclothingdrive.blogspot.com/
I need to ask for a favor. I need some help to get the word out if you wouldn't mind. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you all so much for your support.

Will this pain ever go away?

2009-08-05T22:14:00.003-04:00

Every day I think of my son and the fact that I will never get to do the things I should be doing with him and every day I get so sick to my stomach. I have gotten to a point where I don't cry everyday, but everyday I'm haunted of the memory of everything that has happened. Today was the absolute worst. I woke up this morning wanting to stay in my bed all day curled up into a little ball and just cry all day, but I had to go to work. The whole morning (right now I work near the OB dept)there was a woman in the ob waiting room with a baby boy around the same age Jasper should be had he been born around his due date June 13th, so about two months. I could not stop looking at her son and picturing Jasper. Ther was even a couple of times that I thought I was crazy. As if that wasn't enough one of my co-workers brought in her three kids today along with her new baby girl. Something inside me just snapped and I broke down. I just had to get out of there, so I went to cafetaria, but there was nothing good there so I braved going back to my department to get my purse. I walked in crying and looking at the ground got my purse and left. Now, I feel bad about it, but I said nothing to my co-worker. I just had to get away. I know this will probably never happen, but I don't want this pain anymore, I don't want to feel jealous of every pregnant woman, or women with a baby/child that I see. I just feel so drained. I want my Jasper back so bad.

July Secret garden meeting

2009-08-04T20:11:00.002-04:00

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I imagine Jasper as if he should be here. He should be around 2 months old, so I imagine him holding his head on his own, sleeping through the night, getting bigger, rolling over for the first time on his own.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
With my next pregnancy I just hope I can get through it problem and pre-eclampsia free. I know I will be so scared throughout the whole pregnancy. I really want to try and have a VBAC, but I will do what ever is needed to bring home a healthy baby.

Clothing drive in honor of Jasper

2009-08-03T22:51:00.002-04:00

I'm working on the new blog for the clothing drive and should be up by the end of the week. It has taken such a long time to put it all together, but it finally is almost there.

The trip to Texas that we were supposed to take with Jasper

2009-08-03T19:18:00.006-04:00

I didn't know how I wanted to start this. I thought about writing this as a letter to Jasper, but I think I will just write about our weekend to San Antonio, Tx to see Jasper's grandpa (my dad) without Jasper. We talked about this trip quit a bit while I was pregnant with Jasper. It was supposed to be around Christmas time, but we decided to go this weekend. My weekend started out on Thursday after work. Jonathan and I got on the road at 9:00p.m. I got to sleep throughout the night while Jonathan drove. He purposefully slept all day so that he could drive all night. Well, I couldn't get a peaceful nights sleep. I kept dreaming of Jasper and him being in the backseat like he should have been. Crying for a bottle, to be changed, to be held. I kept waking up and remembering that it was a dream and I would start tearing up. It was so heartbreaking being reminded over and over again that my Jasper is gone. When we got to my dad's I started to cry again remembering that Jasper will never get to meet his grandpa or grandpa will never get to meet Jasper. There were a couple of times I allowed my self to have some fun. It was just nice to spend time with my dad. I haven't seen him in about two years.

A bit off topic and a prayer request

2009-07-27T22:20:00.004-04:00

I wanted to go a bit off topic and tell you something that I am so proud of. As of this month I have been smoke free for 9 years. Wow! It seems like yesterday I quite smoking. I quit for the benefit of my future children. I knew I didn't want to smoke when I got pregnant.

I also wanted to ask you guys to please pray for a women who had a really bad day today. I really don't know anything about her. It was just this morning a Preacher could not figure out how to get into the OB section of the hospital I work at and he mentioned that he had to get in there because of a women having a still born. It took everything in my power not to start crying for her then and there and rush in and comfort her, but I couldn't because of all the privacy laws. I don't know her name or anything. I just thought she would need some prayers from women who have lived and survived this horrible trauma of losing a child.

I've been tagged

2009-07-26T21:13:00.003-04:00

It's my first time getting tagged and this sounds like so much fun!

Here are the rules to this tag:
1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (I was tagged by Ashley at http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com. Thank you Ashley!!)
2. List 6 little things that make you happy.
3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it".

1. My husband Jonathan He is the most amazing person. I don't know what I would ever do without him.

2. My angel Jasper He means the world to me. There is not anything I wouldn't have done or would do for him. I'm truly blessed to be his mommy and I'm blessed for every minute I got to share with him while he was in my tummy and after he was born.

3. My Family They are the ones who made me into what I am today.

4. Traveling I'm the type of person who likes to just get up and go. As a child we never got to travel, so now I use every opportunity to travel.

5. Reading It is my only way to escape reality.

Special thanks to Carly, Lea, and Bree

2009-07-22T21:24:00.005-04:00

I can not express how much I love Jasper's name in the sand, Jasper's angel wings, and Jasper's butterfly. I feel very blessed that I have them all. I smile every time I look at each of them and to know that other's have recognized my sweet angel Jasper makes me a truly happy mommy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Random Thoughts

2009-07-21T18:50:00.005-04:00

1) I'm having such a hard time figuring out how to be this new person. "The person that has a baby that is no longer with her". Every time I think about having to be this new person I get so enraged, sad, and depressed that I just want to curl up in a little ball on my bed and never leave it.

2) I'm always thinking Why me? Why did I get Pre-e? Why my baby?

3) I had this though just earlier today, but I was thinking when I showed my OB the pathology report from Jasper's placenta and she saw that they had found a large Subchorionic Hematoma (blood clot)did she go back and look at the ultrasounds from the last couple of months to see if she missed it. I'm also wondering how not one but two doctors, one of them being a high risk doctor missed such a large blood clot in the placenta.

4) I just wish I knew that next time I get pregnant that all of this will not be a repeat. I wish their was some kind of guarantee I will get my baby that I get to take care of that I have always wanted.

What a week

2009-07-18T20:59:00.004-04:00

The week I had is a complete nightmare. Monday started out like any other week and that is going to work except I was still sick and getting worse. I have been coughing for the past three weeks and nothing is working on it.

Tuesday gets worse my sinuses felt like they were going to explode so I finally call my doctor and the only time they have for me is Wed so I took it. That's not all that happened on Tuesday. I was at work and one of my co-workers ended up bringing her 1 year old daughter to work because she was off. I work in a hospital and right now I'm working with Physical therapy and I happened to be on the floor she came to. I was in a room with the patient and I can hear her and her daughter in the hall and I froze. The therapist I was with asked me to go get the walker and some linen so that I could set up a chair for the patint to sit in and I couldn't move. I even started crying and had to tell him that I could not go out there right now because of our co-worker that brought up her daughter. There is a very long story about all of this and one day I may be able to write about it, but not today. I really didn't think I would be like that.

Wednesday I went to the Doctor and find out I have sinusitis and have to go on antibiotics and will have to be out of work that day. I'm just glad that I didn't have to be at the hospital when another one of my co-workers had her baby. I really hate hearing the lullabye that they play on the speaker system when a baby is born.

Thursday I ended up back at work and feeling a little bit better. I was getting money out of my locker to go to lunch when another co-worker walks in with her son on her hip. I stood there like a deer in headlights I didn't know whether to cry, run, or both. She came right over to me and held out her son to take him and I did. The whole time I was holding her son I couldn't help, but to think about Jasper and everything that I will miss out on. It was nice to hold and play with her son. It just felt natural and very saddening to know I will not get to do all of that with Jasper. So, I figured I made it through that I can make it through going to OB and congratulating my co-worker whom just had a baby girl. I was only there for about thirty seconds (Yes, I counted) I went in said congrats! gave her a hug, looked at the baby and left. I knew she wouldn't mind such a short visit.

Friday, Another day back at work at least it's Friday and payday. Anyway my co-worker was being discharged and I wanted to say bye to her because I won't see her when she comes back to work because I'm transferring back to be be a CNA (certified nurses assistant) and can't wait to do so. This time I went in there and two other co-workers are there so I have to wait to say bye to her. Finally, I got my turn and I left when everyone was swooning over the new bundle of joy. This time was just to much for me and I started crying. Luckily nobody asked me what was wrong. I just think they knew.